FLEETING YOUTHFUL YEARS -From Work to Life

Adulthood...already?!?
Where did time go, or in my case where did my time go???
Today triggered these thoughts after a job interview for another part-time position (to make ends meet since the past few were not secure in longevity). I know my age, even more so that I'm still job hunting with the same position in mind -part-time. It may be questionable to these interviewers why someone who is on the brink of turning thirty, not in a higher position or seeking more than a position that high schoolers run after for chunk change (with the security of mommy and daddy taking care of them at home, oh those were the days!) I guess in the back of my mind I'm hoping for my life to change so a window of hope or "never-may come" hope opens to blow me out with the wind to wonderful possibilities. It could just be unreasonable optimism -perhaps it is. But to avoid sounding too woe as me and broken-down I continue to maintain a sense of hope for my future I'm still quite uncertain and honestly lost in.

What I've come to find, despite how redundant the process of retail interviews or job interviews are in general, is that I may be an adult now and almost thirty but I'm still trying to find balance in my life and comfort in myself. I've come so far from where I used to be, but the battle of maintaining the confidence is much harder when there are constant reminders of how others are perceiving you -family maybe even friends and those you must interact with outside of your home for one reason or another. It shouldn't matter at all what the next-door neighbor thinks or a random stranger in public (who you may never see again) but I'll share what makes these unimportant people 'matter' and it's not what you expect. When there are voices in your ears influencing every move and decision you make in life making you feel at a loss you can't help but to internalize "what the world thinks of me". I honestly don't want to spend my days caring because what I hold myself to: Giving back to humanity, showing the best sides of myself, finding my own happy and living that every moment given, contentment with myself, associating with people who lift me up and help me to grow matters more to me than measuring up to everyone's ideal of what they want me to be. I'm not a robot or a programmed device. Tell that to the voices or voice that is always speaking in my ear.

Personality, we all have one -my mom says. Only I know my past, my hurts, pains, and experiences. Perhaps the people I've experienced them with may know, but I'm not concerned on their memory because more than likely it hasn't hurt them as much as it has affected me. I've thought I knew my personality (as of late) and from the interview today it has made me question and take a second look. What I see myself to be or want to be because it's 'perfect and right' is not what the world sees me. The interactions and experiences I've had with the world has been less than pleasant. For every good interaction it was highly praised and gratifying. I sensed it and felt the need to be more 'giving, caring, etc.' and in return it has served as a 'weakness' for people to take advantage, use, and take me for granted. Can't win for losing. There's almost a fear tinged with being too open, friendly, and welcoming out here in society. There's always the wrong people stepping into the light with their false appearances to show you exactly why exposing too much of yourself is a bad idea. If there's any lesson I've learned it is to protect what's private and personal, show kindness and decency, and try to be as positive in all situations as you can. There's no good in opening up entirely because for every good person there is a bad, looking for an opportunity to cause trouble, pain, and ruin someone's life.

How it all came up was with a question the Interviewer asked. I'm believing the answer I'm giving was what she was looking for but instead was thrown suddenly completely off my rocker. It makes me nervous and turns my mind from glass half-full to half-empty for any hope of being offered the position. If there's one thing I've encountered it is the turn-off from the hiring manager for not receiving the answer to their question they were looking for. It threw me off so much I needed to inquire deeper to figure out exactly what she 'wanted' me to say...it fired me up. I wanted so much to say it's not that I'm avoiding the question or disregarding it. It is honestly just your discontent for not receiving the response the way you exactly wanted! There is really nothing that can be done about it and it's quite unfair.

It's amazing how the original question I can't remember but the revised I can. In summary she says, Let me redirect you back to the question, because you went off it. Let me start over because you may not be understanding the question, you're missing what I'm asking you. What motivates you to come to work everyday? Do you enjoy the environment, teamwork, engaging with customers..etc?!??
The clarity dawned on me that if I didn't make sure she understood that of course I have interests in the activities and things I attribute my time and effort -she would turn me down and it would've been a waste of time. I felt like I was spilling my guts with any and everything that popped in my head to satisfy her almost to the point where umm and ya know became the lingering last words to a few sentences. Interviews can rattle your brain but I didn't expect it to be that discouraging and challenging.

I tried. That's all that can be said...just wish I felt more sure than what I went into the interview thinking.
But don't think she got away with it. I put her 'through the ringer' as she said she did to me, and let her have it with my direct and off-beat questions. Totally different reversing roles because what I learned to be negative -talking too long was not a problem for her. Would it matter in this case? She has a paying job and I'm trying to get a job. She can actually do whatever she wants that's why it's a vulnerable place to be in. It turns me back to 'Personality' and what it means to 'have one'. She had me perplexed even more when she said 'she could see some of it there somewhere' and that she was trying to 'pull it out more'. I've never had anyone intentionally try to figure me out or dig to do it. There was one major compliment that came out of it all and it was how professional and prepared I was. It wasn't what she was used to seeing and with the expertise I have (how long I've worked in retail) it shows. And I wonder what difference it would've made if I never laughed...I can only imagine how much that would've been held against me. Truth is every manager is different and looks for specifics in potential associates. To hold against me that I didn't show enough personality would be a terrible discredit to me when interviews are meant to be taken seriously and not a giggly gab fest.

Here I am. Thinking back to my earlier days (because I still consider myself young) wondering where did they go. Reflecting back there were many times I was asked, Will you be ok? At the time I didn't see the big deal and wanted to be treated as though I could handle my situation, had it all under control. Rely on me as responsible and mature. Don't worry about me. Don't worry about me being alone. I wish it never happened. If I could take it back I would. In the long run it actually did affect me...and not for the better. It's not that I didn't have a childhood. Thank God I had anything remotely close to one! It just seems that my memory returns to the lonelier points as a child growing up rather than the happier moments. I think what happened was I was made to think in advance for my age and was ahead of those in my age group. Already experiencing troublesome emotional challenges that a child shouldn't have to deal with. It made it hard for anyone to relate because it made no sense to them. There was a point where I knew my existence was the only thing that was alive but not me. For years there was blame towards the ones who provided me shelter, food, clothing, and medical/health needs. It seemed like the sensible thing to do since I felt like I was missing something. I've learned that I did. Did anyone care about the girl living with her mom and dad -shy, quiet, reserved, detached?!!? More than compassion and concern the response I received mostly from the outside world was detest and criticism. It's like I was put on this earth to be treated tough and hard. There were so many days left unattended (emotionally and mentally) to myself, in my mind space, in my room, in a life I was living but didn't feel connected to. Each day came and went. 

Maybe that's what the world saw, my anger, loneliness, pain... I was the easy target of any predator so there must've been an angel by my side that kept me from danger. Let's just say that now actually being 'expected' to be an adult is not as special and rewarding. It reminds me of the past and not having the complete unconcerned innocence of not being so maturely adult. It almost feels as though I didn't grow up and I'm still there at a younger age 'thinking I'm responsible, relied upon, confident, and certain' like an adult. Somewhere between there the gap was large and it lost me. No one checked in to make sure I was mentally maturing and developing well. It was all left up to 'chance and luck' I suppose. That's another story.

Perfectly Planned

I just look at them and think, You have no idea…

For anyone who has speculated that the life of an “only child” is so spectacular and “perfect” you don’t have a clue. To directly put it, you don’t know anything about it. As a child everything was pre-made, done for me, any problem that arisen it was fixed. When you see life as an organized, readily made organic routine you don’t look to the future thinking everything will change. I hoped for change because unlike the presumed notion that all sibling-less kids are happy with everything they could possibly ask for it wasn’t enough. What child wouldn’t want to live in a home where they have both of their parents, a two-story home, three meals a day, a bed to sleep in, decent clothes to wear, (toys if younger) and nothing else to worry about??? Who wouldn’t want to be secure? It is in our nature to maintain and provide what is necessary to be comfortable and safe. It is a fundamental that we must have to function properly. What I’m frankly saying is we all need these things… It is what we add on in addition to it that becomes the misunderstanding, especially for single-children homes.

You want to call me a spoiled brat, go ahead but I will correct you and say it is wrongfully misused and insulting. Would you mind me calling you a self-righteous judgmental asshole? I’m sure you wouldn’t. Summing up an individual into a category and labeling them is exactly what is wrong in our society right now. First of all I don’t know who came up with such a title to describe single children with both parents. It implies that generally we’re all ungrateful kids who get whatever we want. Has anyone stopped to think that perhaps what is given is what the parents choose for the child to have? I guess it has never been viewed that way. It’s not necessarily whatever the child wants, but I will agree that we are much readily able to have certain things if we ask (and do all the right things parents want). I’m referring to things. I’ve escaped some situations with the protection at hand much more easily than otherwise expected. I value those unexpected holidays like Valentine’s Day or Easter when my mother would buy little gifts and create a cute basket. I’m sure many of us can possibly relate to that.  If it was my choice I would trade in all that I have for the bond and closeness that is non-existent from those that matter most. Over the years it has gotten worse and now it’s only a memory and ideal of what I want family to be.

Whether we feel we’re justified in it or not doesn’t change the fact we don’t allow ourselves to open up to learn about who someone is. There are times I’ve been proven wrong but it doesn’t change me from getting to know someone else. I am this way because I have been categorized and labeled all my youth: whether it had anything to do with my upbringing, my personality, my ability to learn, or anything else—I  can’t stand it because I know what resides in me is a character, a somebody, a whole being, that is not given a chance to be seen. We listen to what each other say about someone and we immediately form an opinion. All possibilities for seeing the true essence of him/her  is robbed because of what someone else has put in our heads. The sad part is we allow it to cloud our judgment. Every once in a while I’ll catch someone brave enough to say, “Think for yourself” and I love it because that’s what I always try to do no matter what. One of my biggest pet peeves is someone telling me what my thoughts are or telling me the decisions I’m about to make as If they’re controlling my body like a remote controlled robot. You want to know what a hell-raising bitch looks like take a trip inside my mind because it’s happening at those very moments. I’m an easy-going person, at least I’ve always believed myself to be, and I believe in you and anyone else having your own freedom. I live under this notion that if I don’t run your life then you can’t run mine. So when I come across anyone who thinks they can live my life better than me I have a problem with that…

Do you want to know the similarities between a child who has it "all" and a child who has nothing? Do you really? I know there are people reading this thinking, Give me a break! We already know the “vast” differences. But just give me a chance to explain and maybe this will shed some light and help you to view people’s circumstances a bit differently. A child who has it all may have the perfect picture life but feel completely alone. Things only tide us over, keep us occupied for a moment of pleasure, but they don’t fill the void of what you really need. What only children may miss is for others to see them for who they really are. When a child is alone with no parents, no family, no home, nada they have to rely on basic instincts to survive.  It’s about finding love and on this journey it can lead to the wrong places, bad places, bad people. Things overshadow what is really there and important. When it becomes the basis of any relationship there’s a need to go out to find what fills the emotional void. Besides an orphan or foster child having no one an only child experiences loneliness through the distance and lack of understanding from their parents when their emotional needs are not met and having no siblings to share and confide in. Having an extra body that is the bridge between parents is missing therefore the child must learn to cope and figure things out. This is not to blame because there are cases like mine whereas it would’ve been life threatening for more children to be brought into the world. This happens, this is life.

What varies according to every only child’s life is the closeness with extended family. I was unfortunate especially in my late teens, early adult years… With my mother and father’s presence in my life it was familiar and safe. I was upset by the detachment within my extended paternal and maternal family but it didn’t hurt as much as it does now since my father is no longer living. The void of him has made a difference and impact in my life especially being at home with my mother. Her work life has not changed and therefore she is just as consumed in it as she was when he was alive. Because I’m left with the knowing that he is not around and my extended family has not reached out to be comforting, supportive, and present it has affected me more than ever. My father was present at the birth of his daughter’s second son by his first marriage. He will never see the potential birth of children I bring into this world or walk me down the aisle if I ever get married. He will never know my children or meet the man I want to marry. Even though I’m almost 30 I still feel there’s something I’m missing and was left out of knowing. There is no manly-guide in my life anymore. There is nothing for me to base anything from and now I must rely on my instincts and continue asking God for guidance. Life will take a swing at you and remind you that not all good and secure things will last. This was my wake-up. I believe that the Lord is creating curbs in the road of life to change the course of our lives for the better. We all have a timeline and my father’s ended at the time it did. Mine is still going therefore the path that was once made has reverted in a different direction for something else to take place.  

I want to make this one point very clear. It doesn’t matter what you have or how you have it if you don’t have the foundation of strong family ties you have absolutely nothing. There is a void, emptiness, and hole that cannot be filled with monetary and material things. Unless you have a strong bond with friends that are a constant in your life then you’re not going to find it otherwise. When you don’t have the security of extended family and lose a parent you will definitely feel the sting of loneliness. It doesn’t matter how much your family pisses you off you must think about is it worth distancing and separating yourself. I know that what lies within my family’s history is much deeper than what saying “Sorry” can fix. The unexplainable can create a much bigger gap than what can be explained. My days are spent uncertain of tomorrow or where my future leads but I keep hope in knowing that in spirit the Lord guides me through all my challenges teaching and helping me to grow inside and out. As an only child I’ve learned to rely on a higher being when I was misunderstood, taken for granted, ignored, and mistreated. In the end it’s all we ever have, so I hope I’ve shed some light on what it means to walk a path “perfectly” alone and you can find an understanding that is most of the time misunderstood.

The Green Still Lives & Grows

I start off my story-telling series with this visual of a basket of thriving green. I'm not much of a planter or someone with a green thumb. From a young age I can recall nearly drowning a soil plot with a single seed of a sprouting bud. It was a toy from McDonalds possibly or a small gift back when kids actually had toys that gave them something to do and actually "learn". We are the last of what can be considered "innocent" because I don't know where we're going in today's society with "raising children".

But anyhow, all spring and summer hardly any growth was happening and being that I don't tend to plants as regularly I wasn't watering it like I should. Astoundingly it really started to show new growth by the end of the hot days of summer somewhere around the last couple of weeks of September. Surprisingly I hadn't noticed the progress until then and was exited by it and unsure of what will happen with the cold days upon us. If he/she decides to weather the storm will be a miracle for me. It will be a strong green to hang on through the bitter cold of Georgia's winter. If we're lucky it won't be dreadfully cold to the point it just weathers up and dies. Maybe this time I'll consider another option of  keeping it thriving with a  heater, something warm. 

You will be surprised to know this basket of soil was at one point a beautiful bouquet of white lilies, tall and kind. It was a gift out of condolence during our time of mourning in April 2007. My mother and I lost my father at 58 during one of his normal, routine days of work on a Monday. It was a gloomy, overcast day, looked like it would rain and I can't remember if it ever did. He came into my room before he went to work to tell me he was leaving. Usually I would peep out the front door hole and watch him drive down the street, turning right out of the driveway in his 1998 sporty black Honda Civic, until I couldn't see the car anymore because it turned the corner at the end of the road we lived on; but that day I stayed in bed. I didn't get up and went back to sleep. My father and I were not super close like many father daughter relationships, we argued, there was tension, it was bothersome. He got on my last nerve and we just butted heads for the realness of it all. I've always understood that when two people just can't deal with each other it is because they are so much alike its like two repelling forces. We just clashed. So the last memory I have of my father was during the start of the roughest years that lied ahead for me in my middle 20's - we were at that place of rubbing each other the wrong way and it was apparent every day including that particular day. So I stayed in bed. 

It wasn't even noon, from what I account because details were a blur from my recollection after that, and I was sitting at my new DELL 1525 Laptop with custom design magenta lid cover getting ready to figure out how to set-it up when I realized he had taken the instruction manual in his bag to work. My father was always trying to do more, frankly in my opinion because it became routine for my mom to tell him to do "Honey-Do's" or help with "something" or another. I remember the night before he was up late, as was customary of his nighttime boutness, and had my computer opened and looking it over. He wasn't like a Geek Squad techy, but he knew enough to pass relying on his techy co-workers/ work colleagues especially one he was particularly close to Lee, to aid in figuring things out. That's what I remember...the light on in the room with the tv on, sitting at the table with my laptop open figuring something out. We weren't close so at that time it annoyed me he was all engaged in my computer and I hadn't had the chance to do anything with it. That's just how it was, the life it was. 

The phone rang and I went over to the caller I.D. to see who it was and it was his work number. I answered it and this woman asked if it was me. The weirdest thing happened, I had a feeling - I "knew" something was wrong and feeling that sudden uncertain knowing fear I hung up. For some reason I had gone upstairs, we live in a two-story house, and went into that same room he was in the night before and answered the phone when it rang again.  It was the woman that worked with dad. She sounded upset and I just knew. This is where it gets very fuzzy for me...

I can't remember word for word what she said because my memory doesn't pick that up now, but in paraphrasing she told me, something happened to him... I know she was hysterical and I couldn't continue listening, not even a second longer to hear everything she had to say - just hung up in the middle of her talking. She asked if it was me and that my mother was at the hospital...two people were coming to get me to take me to the hospital to be with her. I'm not sure at this time if my mother had tried to reach me to tell me what was going on but I'm sure she did through tears and extreme emotion. Too much was going on. I got dressed and not that long came a knock at the door. It was a medium-height and frame white man with curly brown hair dad worked with and a woman who also worked with him sitting in the passenger seat of his jeep. I just get in and all this random small talk between long intervals starts happening in unsettling quietness. No one told me what the case was, what really happened.
I was left in the dark with bits of information without really being told anything - riding in the car downtown. I caught the man glancing back and forth at me through the rear view as if he was trying to read me. It annoyed me. My emotions were probably unreadable, it was a solemn moment in time. I looked out the window not sure what to think or what I would find when we got to the hospital.

They dropped me off at the entrance and I was met outside by another woman, my father's boss I think, unsure. She led me into the sanctuary to my mother very upset with a tear stained face being consoled by who was probably my dad's boss. It was so strange I just went along with the motions still unknowing of what was going on. My mother was relieved to see me and found some composure with me being there. I think she asked me if I was told what happened and I told her no, or it was about dad. It still didn't hit me when the chaplain came into the room. He said a prayer and we all bowed our heads... I guess in my mind I thought my father was not well or fighting something and we were praying for his recovery. Mom and I went back to the room where he was in a hospital gown lying on the bed with the sheets pulled up with the monitor going and tubes coming out of his nose. Mom stood there rubbing his gray hair (my father had premature gray hair), emotional. I just saw him lying there unsure of everything. I didn't want to touch him knowing what I was possibly looking at and didn't want to feel the cold. There was dried blood under his nostrils and it made me wonder. That's all I could think about, what happened? Why is there dried blood under his nose? Those questions were not answered with certainty since no one seemed to know what actually happened. My father kept to himself and my mother usually referred to him as a "loner", the story on this will be in another entry. He didn't sleep well at night, having nightmares, and staying up late most of the time falling asleep in the same room I've mentioned at the beginning. He worked in an environmental firm as the scheduling manager and on occasion would fall asleep at his computer in his office space. With it being an open space with windows it was easy for anyone to walk by and notice everything.
This Monday he was found lying on the floor. Even though he was given CPR to resuscitate him it didn't work... no one knows how long he was unconscious. I keep thinking 15 minutes, my memory keeps showing this number, but unsure. We, my mother and I believe that he hit his head on the table and it knocked him out, but I feel that is only part of the conclusion. Something else happened but the autopsy results showed nothing was wrong. He died of natural causes.   

My father had just got a new pace maker since the last one was not at its best anymore. A smoker for as long as I can remember growing up. I remember him having the procedure done the actual day of Halloween 2006. There were no problems with his heart to cause what happened. So we were left with knowing that there was no cause of his passing except it was his time to go. And it's so weird reflecting on this because I remember when I was still taking classes, at Bauder college downtown in Atlanta, and a Sunday before returning back to the apartment him asking me, "If anything was to happen to him would me and my mother be okay". He was a worrier, and I told him confidently everything would be fine and I meant that. I felt that with my mother's strong, take-charge, handling everything ways with my independent and go-getter ways there was nothing that could break us. I was also saying it "matter-of-factly" with no inkling that something was awry or the future would hold this change in life's dynamic. The sad part is in my mind I could actually believe we would be okay without him, assured we would be fine. It's something you don't want or need to experience to find out. There is no one in your life that you can do without or be okay without. My father and I did not have the best or closest relationship but with him not being here it has changed so much of our lives. We were already 3 in a home, just us and no other family, and with him gone it created the worst strain that continually grows. I grew up feeling lonely, misunderstood, and struggled with my peer-oriented relationships, extended family relationships, and authority figures, along with my parents. The later years of my 20's have been the hardest, most challenging, miserable, and loneliest times of my life. I prayed throughout my teens that life would be better because I couldn't fathom my future being any worse than the moments I've had. So you can understand my emptiness and hopelessness to experience the 20's where you're having the time of your life while messing up and learning your way to maturity - to have advanced challenges to face.

Besides not having the strongest support system from neither side of my paternal or maternal families I realized that time was passing and I still didn't know where to go with myself. To be quite honest I'm still trying to figure that out but I am in a much better place now if I decided writing would be my purpose. The issue that lingered in the air before my father passed was the rising tension about me still being at home. My life didn't have much meaning and I didn't know who I was. I'm still learning about who I am currently right now but think about this. Imagine not having a strong relationship with your extended family especially during the loss of a parent, not having the comfort and support of close friends, no job, living at home still, and not knowing what to do next. It can feel like the bottom is about to give out, which is what eventually happened to me with my health. You're not supposed to be in your 20's with issues involving your well-being. Vitality, right? Not so, never have I experienced a single debilitating migraine, my mom used to have them when I was in middle school and early high school, until now. It took five years to experience it but never before has it been a problem. What the female body goes through during high stress is overwhelming and crazy. I think it was the hardship of experiencing loss having an internal affect I failed to believe. When we left Georgia and stayed in California to spend time with family we hadn't seen since I was 16 my body expanded like a balloon. Feminine complications set in and I was off-track for three months. It was abnormal. With everything my mother and I were still sorting out emotionally I never brought it to her attention but she was aware of how much weight I gained. Upon returning home something else was happening that was unusual. I felt light-headed like everything was spinning, especially during the night, and thankfully approved medical insurance allowed me to go to the doctor. I was able to get regulated again over time and eventually the "vertigo" episodes  ceased.... just too much was going on. But it wasn't over yet...more on the horizon lasting from October 2008 until March 2011 at a demeaning job took me for another loop in my life...

Opposite Side of the Tracks

"Dangerous & Violent Love" along with other episodes I've seen on Dr. Phil has encouraged me to start talking about a very sensitive topic that has affected me for as long as I can remember. I'm searching the internet for a specific form of abuse and what I find is the opposite of what I expect. I know personally what I've experienced is something that is extremely personal and hard to deal with even now as an adult. There are times I don't view myself as an "adult" and have to convince myself that I'm 28, not a child anymore. Even saying it can feel strange....and other times it feels fine. I've made points in status updates on Facebook and Twitter to emphasize the uniqueness in my  life compared to others (even though I don't know anyone's story other than my own) because when you feel the way I do you believe your life is "different". I'm not where I would like to be or where I would've liked to be if I had an idea of what it is that I would want to be. I know this may sound like one of the characters in Alice in Wonderland or Yoda from the Star Wars Trilogy but hopefully you're able to understand my point. LOVE has a very strange meaning in my life, that has never been the "ideal" that I wanted it to be. I say ideal because I'm believing now after years of growing up that I see things "perfectly" or "happily" and life is not that way. I want to believe there are happy times and loving people out here but my youthful timeline has presented muddled forms of everything I believed to be "right" or true.

It is best for me to start with the confession that I know for myself....I'm alone. No sympathy or pity I'm seeking when I say this, but I've learned to accept the fact that I'm alone. The peace I've obtained from learning we come into the world alone and leave not alone has helped me to manage. My growing faith and reliance on a higher being, The Divine, guides me to happier places and hope for better. Have you had days where you feel at a loss and other days you're fine? Well it can be scary at times when you don't have a handle on things. It could just be the fact there's no "control" that I have in my life presently I'm confident and happy about. It can be tough trying to stay ultimately positively when mentally and emotionally you keep drifting back to a place you don't want to think about and want to move away from.
There were plenty of disagreements...misunderstandings because let's face it I'm not easy to understand and I guess relate to. I've spent my youth having to "explain" myself and apologize for everything I did because it was always taken out of context. When I'm able to analyze myself (take a moment to think before acting or speak before talking) I realize I'm impulsive and quick to react. I've tried to slow myself down and really assess what I've heard or seen before having something to say or do about it.... and I've come to find that when I do give myself a moment I'm able to address the situation much better than anticipated. I'm feeling better and honestly quite embarrassed because I realize I could've made an ass out of myself. It really is important to try hard to put one self into another person's shoes (even if it's challenging to understand their perspective) because you find a commonality. It spares the drama and indifference that is likely to happen. So Reader I ask you to walk in my shoes as a black female living in a small little town going to a predominately white school all your years (with the exception of a few ethnic kids) and living in a neighborhood on a main road, no kids playing in the streets, people walking up and down the pathways, old neighbors, and having an extremely distant paternal and maternal family dynamic.

Some would say I lived the "charmed" life because there wasn't the piddle to post problem for me and there was no financial struggle since both matriarch and patriarch held down the fort. Life was clock-work. Work, school, weekend, and so forth. Remember being told, what you don't know won't hurt you? There's some right and wrong to that. Children don't know nor do they understand why things are the way they are. I've always been filled with many questions and as an adult its been a relief to receive answers to those questions. It didn't matter whether I liked it or not. I just wanted to know the truth. There were ALWAYS people "wondering" about what our lives were like. It was annoying. Mostly work related people but also family which made it odd. I could never understand what was so 'fascinating' or why people were so nosy but my mother's response to it taught me that they were "wrong" and low-down for it. I adopted that attitude too. As an adult I believe some people were just concerned or worried, not knowing how to really tell us. It's a tricky thing wanting to be honest with someone you know and not knowing how to begin speaking to them on a personal note without causing tension or causing defense. Sometimes I just want to not give a d*mn because I just say what's on my mind and don't like to walk around my words. But there's something about getting older that you realize you are doing a service to yourself and others when you're mindful of your words and show tact. So I'm addressing those people and then there's others who are just seedy, shady people that must be kept at bay. It's hard to tell the difference because I've been let-down and hurt by those that I believed would ride or die until the end. Hurt doesn't even seem like the appropriate word...it's more like betrayed. It's life lessons like these that mold us into the people we are. Gain a wiser more careful approach. But I understand now and that's all that matters.

There was a concern for me that people had....I didn't know why. I thought I was fine and they had no business acting as though something was wrong with me. This touchy and defensiveness I'm aware of about myself came from growing up and being the target of negativity. There's a fighter in me that came from being the victim of prejudice, bullying, and mistreatment from every direction. From the inside looking out I viewed myself as a non-threatening, harmless, quiet, shy, scared, anxious girl who didn't understand why people treated her so roughly. What I came to find was I was being treated as though I was troublesome and "bad". I couldn't be myself without there being a connection to something "wrong".
I just wanted people to like me and more importantly accept me... There was no reassurance or a place to draw strength from with my family. I was alone to walk the path and learn the hard way of dealing with the challenges and stresses of my environment. It was a battle and instead of learning quickly it turned into a slow ordeal that became unbearable and torturous. All my years in school I felt trapped and wishing to be set free. Many times writing I want to get out of here. It seemed to lag on right down to the last year in high school. Just when I thought I couldn't hang on any longer it all ended. Graduation finally arrived and it felt like a ticket to a freedom that took too long to get there. I walked away from those years thinking life would be better but there was one thing stopping me that I didn't resolve with and that was my family life. Friends come and go even though "childhood friendships" are those memories of your past that bring some wholesomeness. That was another part that never felt complete and I'll touch on that later.

LOVE...love..love... well if it means knowing you're related to people who come from the same "bloodline" as yourself then that's what I've known growing up. "Blood is thicker than water" I held close to my heart and still do. How I view it though is much different from understanding my family dynamic. Nowadays blood is thin and water is still the same, if you get my drift. Many of you come from families that you know without a doubt you can turn to in any situation and lean on when times get hard. You're so lucky, fortunate, more than you know... Truth be told milestones have never been a big hoopla. Holidays come and go. After listening to rap Artist Drake's single "Too Much" (currently on homepage http://RPRAI.com) it connected with me when he mentions his family's dynamic...it parallels my own with the "distance". If he's feeling the way I do the need to talk about it and direct it head-on helps in confronting the issue instead of pushing it under the rug or ignoring it. Which leads me into saying this, how I've come up in this generation is a far-cry from the old school generation (my parents and their parents). We're about addressing everything and leaving nothing unspoken, even taking it so far as to show acceptance towards unacceptable and profane aspects of life. In other words using the crude word f*** open-ended and playfully referring to each other as "b*tch and ho" and the list goes on. Not to confuse my mention of this as adoration or glorification per se, more so showing how us young people are turning a new leaf to what was once rejected.

What do you think of when you hear someone tell you "I love you" or actually say it yourself ? One major issue I notice is the use of it without the meaning these days. I've heard it more times than I'd care to mention but it's sickening. Love means so much to me and it should to all of us to say it when we mean it. Sporadic and sparing phone calls from those I thought "loved" me ended with I love you as if it was a closing statement, a salutation to a letter to just say. It's even more strange and uncomfortable for me to say it now than when I was a kid. It meant so much to feel a part of something bigger than myself and my shortcomings. It was a let-down and a major disappointment when all the pieces of the puzzle came together as I witnessed the deterioration of my vision of love in a family. Realizing we're not as "close" as a family should be allows me to aim for those important values when I have a family of my own one day. I don't want to hover, spoil, or smother my child or children but give them a sense of home and closeness that seemed to lack in my own. I've been blessed to have both parents and lived without concern of where we would be living the next day or if we had anything to eat. I'll forever thank God for these blessings. Saying I love you and showing love are lessons to be learned over again and every day I try to do something unselfish that gives of myself back to one or more people. I'm also on a journey to surround myself with people who embody a sense of love because I want it to absorb into my character - to be a better person than I was in my past and to not give up on it in.

So this covers inside my world and life a bit and I'll be returning with more and hopefully progressively you'll learn all sides of who I am and find some relation to your life.

SP

Why Even Get Out Bed

It's an odd thing. How we're able to repeat our actions and train our subconscious to do the talking and walking for us when the rest of us is not there. "There" meaning in the present, willing to do all the things we do in a single day if we chose to do any and everything at all. But do you ever wonder how we manage to continue the same pattern of how we rise in the morning and do it again the next day? Does it help you to feel in control of something, anything, when everything else is falling apart? Or is it just the right thing to do because you've been taught to hit the alarm when it goes off and get up, straighten your bed, put on the morning coffee, and get yourself ready for another joyous or tireless day of going to that job or whatever you do in your day-to-day life.

So why get out of bed when there's no reason to get up? How do you find a reason to continue the same routine? You keep telling yourself, Today will be different. I'll make a difference today...or just "give it a go, just one more time". It must be scary for someone who has the fear of not knowing what tomorrow will bring so they live in a state of anxiety and paranoia while everyone else seems to easily and readily get going every day with no problem. At least there's something to work with, something to give a biological or chemical diagnosis towards, but what if you know there's nothing wrong with you...

You've been doing the same thing for as long as you can remember since your mother, if you've been fortunate to hear the constant persistence engrained in you, Time to get up! Get up sleepyhead! Or in my case a mother and an annoying cousin who happens to call on a Saturday morning at 11 to "remind" you that you're still in bed. Thinking about it makes me laugh inside because if you need someone to get you going just allow a family member to call "out of the blue" while you're in a sleep oasis to bring clarity to your life, or start your day off wrong in my opinion.

It's engrained. It is the way of life. Everyone else does it...your mother and father, your siblings, your friends, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your neighbors, the mailman. That's what it looks like, or so it seems. You can blame it on being sick why you don't feel like getting out of bed, which is exactly how I'm feeling right now. The difference is I'm feeling better today than I did 3 days ago but you just lay there just wanting to lie in it, your bed, and your thoughts. Then you can start giving a face to it. It's your frustration, anger, your aggravation, your lost and brokenness, and just feeling tired. There's a difference between your eyes partially closing from a long day and just feeling the kind of tired that falls upon you when you wish it would go away.

When your life is not on the right track or you find yourself questioning, why am I not where I want to be? What is the easiest way to excuse it all away? What do you tell yourself? This is what we should ask ourselves every day. What am I going to do to make it better, what am I willing to change about myself or the situation to make living my life better? It's about getting out of a place of bad and ultimately reaching a place of "better" or good. I'm not an expert otherwise I would be charging per session by now but I do think it's what we should be talking about with each other and not rotating it over and over again in our heads.

Maybe if we all listened to each other instead of wanting to "hear" only ourselves talk we can learn from what the other person is sharing and let it influence the repair of the problems in our own lives. We talk so much, expletive, we talk so damn much! If you only knew the people I know you would understand how strongly I feel about this. It's like screaming inside of a glass jar or more realistically behind a sound proof wall. The words you say just float upward or dissipate while all you hear is a never-ending tractor trailer collision and train horn steam-rolling on tracks of non-stop self-involvement. Just by experiencing these kinds of people in my life I've felt the need to personally teach myself to listen more and talk less. Unfortunately there are times I get so passionate and opinionated about a TV show, the news, or what someone has said or done that I must get it out. It could feel like a "never-ending story" but I guess you're learning about that right now with the length of this entry.

So how do you get out of that bed you're supposed to at least get eight hours of sleep in at night? Simple, just remind yourself you'll feel fatigued and experience the most annoying energy-deprived bed cramps for a good part of the day. Side note, it helps to have hot water in the shower beat down on the spot for a moment. Believe me that is another issue to turn you into Oscar the Grouch while figuring out how to change the scheme of crazy and bother in your life.

But in some unusual way if there's any possibility that my ridiculous, mundane, below sea level "average" life can make a difference with a pen full of sarcasm, silliness, and sincerely good intentions continue reading and I'll be sure to give you just that. Who knows it may give you something to smile about as you figure out your own life or give it a jump-start in knowing you're not the only one who is trying to pull their self out of the bed every day.

Second Year In College - Course Reflective Journal Exercise

Anti-Social - Grouped Together - Separated
Is what I see surrounding me.
Stares - Judgement
Is what I notice.
I see the Judge.
Through the stares - gawking - laziness
I guess I meet the world defensively or racing past.
Defensively because I'm not sure - I'm unaware - Tired of being talked about or made - fun of -
because I feel & "Know" that I'm all alone & no one is going to have my back 100%
This is good to keep me strong and enduring in my life and in the world but also bad.
Bad because I probably won't let certain people in My Life and probably see me for me.
Looking at life this way keeps me hidden and secretive - shy -
Not loose and carefree like I want to be.
I do not like it.
That's what it is like for me.
Through time and work I will not have to see the world like this anymore and feel this way.

Second Year In College - Course Reflective Journal Exercise

If you had a magic wand, what 3 things would you change?

Lord, if I could change three things - I would change the type of schools I went to - 

They were good schools due to the education and for that I am grateful -

but because it was in an area where everybody would tend to not act so realistic -

I would've changed it.

2nd - I would change the crazy way both of my families act and get a better family.

3rd - I would've changed the location of where I grew up. 

It's a decent place - but I lacked friends - young people in the neighborhood  - close to my age to hang outside with. 

There are a lot of older people and the ice-cream man never came down because it was a road!

There are other places we could've lived that were decent - neighborhoods but with more young people.

The school - also being so hard is because it was predominately white and I, being the only or couple in my classes - made it hard -

I didn't have much to Identify with.

Second Year In College - Course Reflective Journal Exercise

Most of the time I am....

In between emotions - Kind've chill -relax and upset.
It's sometimes more of this or that but I'm in between most of the time.

I Long For...

To follow the direction of my own happenings & know that it made me happy and it was right.

I long for - the point in my life where I'm satisfied doing something that complements my artistic and creative talents and my talents complement it.

I long for the Meaning of my existence - My purpose and knowing it.

I get angry about...

Common sense that people around me should know. 

I know that it can't be helped all the time - but sometimes it can.

I get angry about things I can't change -

My mom's and dad's families, not being close like a family should be - acting right.

The Most Joy or Fun I have is...

When I draw or paint for the fun of it when I want to - and laughing at silly goofy things - such as movies 

- tv shows - or getting funny e-cards off of the internet from buddies. 

The most joy or fun I have had makes more sense in my situation.

Joy for me hasn't come yet in my young adult life.

Every kid feels their sense of joy while growing up because they don't know the responsibilities of the world yet or know how tough the world can be - or trying to be something they're not.
All they know is what makes them happy, sad, and angry.
Joy has yet to come to me but hopefully I'll find it because things in life don't blow to you in the wind.

Life is about...

What you make of it - it's about making a mark for yourself and hopefully making a change that you created for the better. It's about being wiser and more knowledge and becoming aware of yourself spiritually. 

Second Year In College - Course Journal Exercise

The Most Important Thing About Me Is...

My Heart - my ability to give my Love, my Life, my all into anyone who is an important part in my life.
I can be very generous and willing to be the "brave heart" for anyone who is in trouble in my life.
(This is also not fully true due to the fact I go through difficulties with my family, and I easily turn off from people who claim to be "friends" and turn around and stab me in the back - from past experiences growing up because trust is a big part with me.) There's still a caring side of me and I just want to give. I like to do nice - sweet things for others even if they may not appreciate it - which can and is a problem. I'm learning and know better now - at 20 years old.

Second Year In College - Course Journal Exercise "Goal"

A goal I have for this semester is to get through this last semester so that I can move onto better things in my Life - Towards my interest in Fashion & further myself.
This is important to me because I believe in some sense I'll achieve an inner sense of happiness and reform.
I feel that if I'm doing something I want to do then I'll feel happier - more excited, thrilled.
It is the most important thing in my life right now - the next step if I reached this goal - the obstacles would be trying to get ideas for clothing patterns, accessories, etc. because in the field you have to be on top of your game & always observant & looking for something, fresh, new, and trendy.
Something you know will catch peoples' eyes.
Meeting the criteria and deadlines for a Fall and Spring line.
It's also very important if your styles are interesting to different companies so that they will choose you to work for them.
I will try to achieve this goal by looking to the school I want to go and sounding as convincing as I can possibly be so that they'll (parents) let me in - believe this is what I want.
Because if I don't try now - I'll still be here at West Georgia and this was my limited time - Pit stop
to get my feet into the door.
There's nothing more for me here as an Art Major and it's time to move on.
Then once I get in, which I pray I will, I want to absorb as much as I can and focus my mind solely on design and do what I got to do -
Once I'm focused I'm in and I've always been interested in clothing of all cultures and time periods or accessories such as belts, hats, bracelets, necklaces, rings, pins, hair pins, stockings, etc.

Second Year In College - Course Journal Exercise

January 19, 2005

Where am I now?
At this moment it is 12:28am and I'm at a relaxed state.
I feel calm and comfortable. During the day I wasn't feeling like this though.
I was feeling somewhat aggravated.
Not extremely - just a small tinge you feel inside.
Even though I only have two classes I still felt this way.
I realize it's close to my time of the month - so that could be causing some of this feeling.

Desirous

2005 August 28,

9:33 am

What I don't understand is how I can be this way or feel this way.

It's not every Sunday Morning. 

It's strange for this Sunday Morning.

I hope it's not a bad - thing. 

For reason I was feeling aroused and didn't want to move from my bed.

Instantly the thought went to C as my subject of encounter.

Probably because I know it is very unlikely for us to ever be as close and I can't stand him at times.

And because of his self-involvement and conceitedness shows he could care less either.

The Most Unlikely Pair. 

We're already too different and I doubt if we were together we would get along at all.

Why is it, I start seeing him as that?!!?

The image in my mind that I partake in "unbound-less" pleasure in?

That figure who wears all black trying to distant his feelings from me.

-This Fantasy-

This figure that was in my mind's work. It's like a "Real"- Soap Opera with both of us trying to figure out what we're going to do.

Whether to fake it or be real...

In this dream I don't care if there is a girl friend. 

She is younger than me and I'm closer to his age.

He has different girl friends all the time. 

I think, how could he pass me up and I'm more mature?!!?

I know I'm sexy , being who I am, and nobody else.

I can seduce him if I don't try to hard.

But what I really want is for him to seduce me...

I want to be lost and disillusioned by him.

We go out to dinner...

I'm wearing a wrap dress and stilettos or T-straps

Even though in reality I would not have enough expertise to wear them.

My hair is pulled up and a few strands fall around my face, brushing the sides of my neck.

Very little make-up, mauve or brownish-pink lip color, more on the pink side.

Nude but with a nice tint of pink and red.

Mascara, medium-dark eyeshadow, and black eye-liner.

My goal was for him to notice me - All the details that he could linger on in his imagination.

I imagine us eating something sensual and sumptuous while his eyes slyly catch my lips.

We just sit, talk, and laugh of course. 

I feel that we are growing closer to each other.

I make my move.

Moving closer to him because we were sitting sort of far a part at a round booth.

Underneath the table I rub his leg... He grabs my hand to stop. He did not like that.

I try again. Moving my hand from underneath his and take it again.

I guide his hand underneath my dress brushing up my smooth, freshly shaven thigh

to where my panties should've been. 

His fingers touch the curve of my hip-bone then onto the coarse dark curls.

I can not believe this is happening...

He stops, not wanting to go there with me. I'm not wearing any panties, he realizes.

I wanted to tell him there wasn't anything underneath the dress so he could imagine 

that one string tied to the side of my bodice would unleash the material covering my body.

He asks, Can we go? I say, Sure. 

We ride around for awhile without saying anything. 

He takes me to my house and walks me to my door.

He doesn't believe in having two girl friends at once, hurting the one he already has.