I start off my story-telling series with this visual of a basket of thriving green. I'm not much of a planter or someone with a green thumb. From a young age I can recall nearly drowning a soil plot with a single seed of a sprouting bud. It was a toy from McDonalds possibly or a small gift back when kids actually had toys that gave them something to do and actually "learn". We are the last of what can be considered "innocent" because I don't know where we're going in today's society with "raising children".
But anyhow, all spring and summer hardly any growth was happening and being that I don't tend to plants as regularly I wasn't watering it like I should. Astoundingly it really started to show new growth by the end of the hot days of summer somewhere around the last couple of weeks of September. Surprisingly I hadn't noticed the progress until then and was exited by it and unsure of what will happen with the cold days upon us. If he/she decides to weather the storm will be a miracle for me. It will be a strong green to hang on through the bitter cold of Georgia's winter. If we're lucky it won't be dreadfully cold to the point it just weathers up and dies. Maybe this time I'll consider another option of keeping it thriving with a heater, something warm.
You will be surprised to know this basket of soil was at one point a beautiful bouquet of white lilies, tall and kind. It was a gift out of condolence during our time of mourning in April 2007. My mother and I lost my father at 58 during one of his normal, routine days of work on a Monday. It was a gloomy, overcast day, looked like it would rain and I can't remember if it ever did. He came into my room before he went to work to tell me he was leaving. Usually I would peep out the front door hole and watch him drive down the street, turning right out of the driveway in his 1998 sporty black Honda Civic, until I couldn't see the car anymore because it turned the corner at the end of the road we lived on; but that day I stayed in bed. I didn't get up and went back to sleep. My father and I were not super close like many father daughter relationships, we argued, there was tension, it was bothersome. He got on my last nerve and we just butted heads for the realness of it all. I've always understood that when two people just can't deal with each other it is because they are so much alike its like two repelling forces. We just clashed. So the last memory I have of my father was during the start of the roughest years that lied ahead for me in my middle 20's - we were at that place of rubbing each other the wrong way and it was apparent every day including that particular day. So I stayed in bed.
It wasn't even noon, from what I account because details were a blur from my recollection after that, and I was sitting at my new DELL 1525 Laptop with custom design magenta lid cover getting ready to figure out how to set-it up when I realized he had taken the instruction manual in his bag to work. My father was always trying to do more, frankly in my opinion because it became routine for my mom to tell him to do "Honey-Do's" or help with "something" or another. I remember the night before he was up late, as was customary of his nighttime boutness, and had my computer opened and looking it over. He wasn't like a Geek Squad techy, but he knew enough to pass relying on his techy co-workers/ work colleagues especially one he was particularly close to Lee, to aid in figuring things out. That's what I remember...the light on in the room with the tv on, sitting at the table with my laptop open figuring something out. We weren't close so at that time it annoyed me he was all engaged in my computer and I hadn't had the chance to do anything with it. That's just how it was, the life it was.
The phone rang and I went over to the caller I.D. to see who it was and it was his work number. I answered it and this woman asked if it was me. The weirdest thing happened, I had a feeling - I "knew" something was wrong and feeling that sudden uncertain knowing fear I hung up. For some reason I had gone upstairs, we live in a two-story house, and went into that same room he was in the night before and answered the phone when it rang again. It was the woman that worked with dad. She sounded upset and I just knew. This is where it gets very fuzzy for me...
I can't remember word for word what she said because my memory doesn't pick that up now, but in paraphrasing she told me, something happened to him... I know she was hysterical and I couldn't continue listening, not even a second longer to hear everything she had to say - just hung up in the middle of her talking. She asked if it was me and that my mother was at the hospital...two people were coming to get me to take me to the hospital to be with her. I'm not sure at this time if my mother had tried to reach me to tell me what was going on but I'm sure she did through tears and extreme emotion. Too much was going on. I got dressed and not that long came a knock at the door. It was a medium-height and frame white man with curly brown hair dad worked with and a woman who also worked with him sitting in the passenger seat of his jeep. I just get in and all this random small talk between long intervals starts happening in unsettling quietness. No one told me what the case was, what really happened.
I was left in the dark with bits of information without really being told anything - riding in the car downtown. I caught the man glancing back and forth at me through the rear view as if he was trying to read me. It annoyed me. My emotions were probably unreadable, it was a solemn moment in time. I looked out the window not sure what to think or what I would find when we got to the hospital.
They dropped me off at the entrance and I was met outside by another woman, my father's boss I think, unsure. She led me into the sanctuary to my mother very upset with a tear stained face being consoled by who was probably my dad's boss. It was so strange I just went along with the motions still unknowing of what was going on. My mother was relieved to see me and found some composure with me being there. I think she asked me if I was told what happened and I told her no, or it was about dad. It still didn't hit me when the chaplain came into the room. He said a prayer and we all bowed our heads... I guess in my mind I thought my father was not well or fighting something and we were praying for his recovery. Mom and I went back to the room where he was in a hospital gown lying on the bed with the sheets pulled up with the monitor going and tubes coming out of his nose. Mom stood there rubbing his gray hair (my father had premature gray hair), emotional. I just saw him lying there unsure of everything. I didn't want to touch him knowing what I was possibly looking at and didn't want to feel the cold. There was dried blood under his nostrils and it made me wonder. That's all I could think about, what happened? Why is there dried blood under his nose? Those questions were not answered with certainty since no one seemed to know what actually happened. My father kept to himself and my mother usually referred to him as a "loner", the story on this will be in another entry. He didn't sleep well at night, having nightmares, and staying up late most of the time falling asleep in the same room I've mentioned at the beginning. He worked in an environmental firm as the scheduling manager and on occasion would fall asleep at his computer in his office space. With it being an open space with windows it was easy for anyone to walk by and notice everything.
This Monday he was found lying on the floor. Even though he was given CPR to resuscitate him it didn't work... no one knows how long he was unconscious. I keep thinking 15 minutes, my memory keeps showing this number, but unsure. We, my mother and I believe that he hit his head on the table and it knocked him out, but I feel that is only part of the conclusion. Something else happened but the autopsy results showed nothing was wrong. He died of natural causes.
My father had just got a new pace maker since the last one was not at its best anymore. A smoker for as long as I can remember growing up. I remember him having the procedure done the actual day of Halloween 2006. There were no problems with his heart to cause what happened. So we were left with knowing that there was no cause of his passing except it was his time to go. And it's so weird reflecting on this because I remember when I was still taking classes, at Bauder college downtown in Atlanta, and a Sunday before returning back to the apartment him asking me, "If anything was to happen to him would me and my mother be okay". He was a worrier, and I told him confidently everything would be fine and I meant that. I felt that with my mother's strong, take-charge, handling everything ways with my independent and go-getter ways there was nothing that could break us. I was also saying it "matter-of-factly" with no inkling that something was awry or the future would hold this change in life's dynamic. The sad part is in my mind I could actually believe we would be okay without him, assured we would be fine. It's something you don't want or need to experience to find out. There is no one in your life that you can do without or be okay without. My father and I did not have the best or closest relationship but with him not being here it has changed so much of our lives. We were already 3 in a home, just us and no other family, and with him gone it created the worst strain that continually grows. I grew up feeling lonely, misunderstood, and struggled with my peer-oriented relationships, extended family relationships, and authority figures, along with my parents. The later years of my 20's have been the hardest, most challenging, miserable, and loneliest times of my life. I prayed throughout my teens that life would be better because I couldn't fathom my future being any worse than the moments I've had. So you can understand my emptiness and hopelessness to experience the 20's where you're having the time of your life while messing up and learning your way to maturity - to have advanced challenges to face.
Besides not having the strongest support system from neither side of my paternal or maternal families I realized that time was passing and I still didn't know where to go with myself. To be quite honest I'm still trying to figure that out but I am in a much better place now if I decided writing would be my purpose. The issue that lingered in the air before my father passed was the rising tension about me still being at home. My life didn't have much meaning and I didn't know who I was. I'm still learning about who I am currently right now but think about this. Imagine not having a strong relationship with your extended family especially during the loss of a parent, not having the comfort and support of close friends, no job, living at home still, and not knowing what to do next. It can feel like the bottom is about to give out, which is what eventually happened to me with my health. You're not supposed to be in your 20's with issues involving your well-being. Vitality, right? Not so, never have I experienced a single debilitating migraine, my mom used to have them when I was in middle school and early high school, until now. It took five years to experience it but never before has it been a problem. What the female body goes through during high stress is overwhelming and crazy. I think it was the hardship of experiencing loss having an internal affect I failed to believe. When we left Georgia and stayed in California to spend time with family we hadn't seen since I was 16 my body expanded like a balloon. Feminine complications set in and I was off-track for three months. It was abnormal. With everything my mother and I were still sorting out emotionally I never brought it to her attention but she was aware of how much weight I gained. Upon returning home something else was happening that was unusual. I felt light-headed like everything was spinning, especially during the night, and thankfully approved medical insurance allowed me to go to the doctor. I was able to get regulated again over time and eventually the "vertigo" episodes ceased.... just too much was going on. But it wasn't over yet...more on the horizon lasting from October 2008 until March 2011 at a demeaning job took me for another loop in my life...
I was left in the dark with bits of information without really being told anything - riding in the car downtown. I caught the man glancing back and forth at me through the rear view as if he was trying to read me. It annoyed me. My emotions were probably unreadable, it was a solemn moment in time. I looked out the window not sure what to think or what I would find when we got to the hospital.
They dropped me off at the entrance and I was met outside by another woman, my father's boss I think, unsure. She led me into the sanctuary to my mother very upset with a tear stained face being consoled by who was probably my dad's boss. It was so strange I just went along with the motions still unknowing of what was going on. My mother was relieved to see me and found some composure with me being there. I think she asked me if I was told what happened and I told her no, or it was about dad. It still didn't hit me when the chaplain came into the room. He said a prayer and we all bowed our heads... I guess in my mind I thought my father was not well or fighting something and we were praying for his recovery. Mom and I went back to the room where he was in a hospital gown lying on the bed with the sheets pulled up with the monitor going and tubes coming out of his nose. Mom stood there rubbing his gray hair (my father had premature gray hair), emotional. I just saw him lying there unsure of everything. I didn't want to touch him knowing what I was possibly looking at and didn't want to feel the cold. There was dried blood under his nostrils and it made me wonder. That's all I could think about, what happened? Why is there dried blood under his nose? Those questions were not answered with certainty since no one seemed to know what actually happened. My father kept to himself and my mother usually referred to him as a "loner", the story on this will be in another entry. He didn't sleep well at night, having nightmares, and staying up late most of the time falling asleep in the same room I've mentioned at the beginning. He worked in an environmental firm as the scheduling manager and on occasion would fall asleep at his computer in his office space. With it being an open space with windows it was easy for anyone to walk by and notice everything.
This Monday he was found lying on the floor. Even though he was given CPR to resuscitate him it didn't work... no one knows how long he was unconscious. I keep thinking 15 minutes, my memory keeps showing this number, but unsure. We, my mother and I believe that he hit his head on the table and it knocked him out, but I feel that is only part of the conclusion. Something else happened but the autopsy results showed nothing was wrong. He died of natural causes.
My father had just got a new pace maker since the last one was not at its best anymore. A smoker for as long as I can remember growing up. I remember him having the procedure done the actual day of Halloween 2006. There were no problems with his heart to cause what happened. So we were left with knowing that there was no cause of his passing except it was his time to go. And it's so weird reflecting on this because I remember when I was still taking classes, at Bauder college downtown in Atlanta, and a Sunday before returning back to the apartment him asking me, "If anything was to happen to him would me and my mother be okay". He was a worrier, and I told him confidently everything would be fine and I meant that. I felt that with my mother's strong, take-charge, handling everything ways with my independent and go-getter ways there was nothing that could break us. I was also saying it "matter-of-factly" with no inkling that something was awry or the future would hold this change in life's dynamic. The sad part is in my mind I could actually believe we would be okay without him, assured we would be fine. It's something you don't want or need to experience to find out. There is no one in your life that you can do without or be okay without. My father and I did not have the best or closest relationship but with him not being here it has changed so much of our lives. We were already 3 in a home, just us and no other family, and with him gone it created the worst strain that continually grows. I grew up feeling lonely, misunderstood, and struggled with my peer-oriented relationships, extended family relationships, and authority figures, along with my parents. The later years of my 20's have been the hardest, most challenging, miserable, and loneliest times of my life. I prayed throughout my teens that life would be better because I couldn't fathom my future being any worse than the moments I've had. So you can understand my emptiness and hopelessness to experience the 20's where you're having the time of your life while messing up and learning your way to maturity - to have advanced challenges to face.
Besides not having the strongest support system from neither side of my paternal or maternal families I realized that time was passing and I still didn't know where to go with myself. To be quite honest I'm still trying to figure that out but I am in a much better place now if I decided writing would be my purpose. The issue that lingered in the air before my father passed was the rising tension about me still being at home. My life didn't have much meaning and I didn't know who I was. I'm still learning about who I am currently right now but think about this. Imagine not having a strong relationship with your extended family especially during the loss of a parent, not having the comfort and support of close friends, no job, living at home still, and not knowing what to do next. It can feel like the bottom is about to give out, which is what eventually happened to me with my health. You're not supposed to be in your 20's with issues involving your well-being. Vitality, right? Not so, never have I experienced a single debilitating migraine, my mom used to have them when I was in middle school and early high school, until now. It took five years to experience it but never before has it been a problem. What the female body goes through during high stress is overwhelming and crazy. I think it was the hardship of experiencing loss having an internal affect I failed to believe. When we left Georgia and stayed in California to spend time with family we hadn't seen since I was 16 my body expanded like a balloon. Feminine complications set in and I was off-track for three months. It was abnormal. With everything my mother and I were still sorting out emotionally I never brought it to her attention but she was aware of how much weight I gained. Upon returning home something else was happening that was unusual. I felt light-headed like everything was spinning, especially during the night, and thankfully approved medical insurance allowed me to go to the doctor. I was able to get regulated again over time and eventually the "vertigo" episodes ceased.... just too much was going on. But it wasn't over yet...more on the horizon lasting from October 2008 until March 2011 at a demeaning job took me for another loop in my life...
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