Your
"Go-To". Support. Love. Family is suppose to mean everything. But what
if you're not blessed with such a gift in your life? What if you have a
family but they are everything you don't need in your life? Familia over Everything, right?
Just the other day Rodney King is found at the bottom of a pool. Tormented all his life by things unknown to us. It's tragic when the end can be so brutal. I think about my life story... the dysfunction. The disconnect. The built up anger... And wonder if I'm festering the mess inside of me.
It is impossible to believe it's not. Both of my parents, God help them, came from families where "Love and Family" did not mix. What I saw as a child was "surface matter". I didn't understand why we lived so far away from everyone. I was just mad as a child that I didn't have the closeness I wanted. I needed to feel complete. The truth of the matter is I didn't know who these people were. My mother's brothers, my father's mother, sister, and brother, my half brother and sister. Their family continuation didn't change much either.
I finally get the chance to "know" them for a few summers of my life when everything seemed good. I was happy to know I was connected to something I came from. But tell me why the tables turned leading up to my final years in high school? Seemed like everyone by this point separated emotionally and mentally from what was important in a family. What I didn't understand was it was always there....it just started to show it's ugly face.
By the time I graduated high school not a single person from my maternal or paternal side recognized my graduation. All I had was my mother, father, a friend I'm no longer close to, my bus driver, her mother --who is now deceased, a co-worker from working at Kroger and her housemate who looked for opportunity in all the wrong places. Those were the only people who congratulated me that one day in May.
It didn't make a difference when I graduated College in April 2007. Only my mom and dad were there. That's it. So what does family mean to me? It's very hard to say. I want to believe in what it means to be loved by a family... I want that for my life. I deserve it like anyone else, but I've never had it. I'm a lost wandering soul.
There has always been something upsetting me. I've covered it up- with the constant "you have a chip on your shoulder" or "it's going to come back on you" or "you have a bad attitude" thrown at me from my parents. I showed emotion like any other person but for some reason it was just "wrong" to my parents. I felt ashamed. Guilty. I put on a false face to show that I wasn't those things because what they said to me sounded so bad. I put all my time and energy into "proving" to those around me I was worthy. I was loyal. I was good. I was trustworthy. A good friend. Doing all of this left me used, taken for granted, made-fun of, and delusional to mistreatment. It left me alone feeling even more insecure than what I needed to feel.
I desperately wanted to feel "home" with the ones I loved. But it wasn't there. As I got older The unsettled emotions inside of me formed into infrequent rage. It wasn't all the time, just every blue moon the emotions festered up to surface. I lashed out on my parents at different times when I just couldn't take any more. I was holding onto what I had left--my own damn self. I cried many days and nights from feeling alone. No one understood what I felt --where I was coming from. If I wear my emotions on my sleeve then I do it proudly. What is a heart if we don't use it??? My parents were taught to build a fortitude to protect themselves because they experienced this indifference to family love in their youth.
When you have no where to turn what happens? You go straight to the wrong things that can torment and destroy you. For some reason I stayed away from those things. I am excessive when I like something but God must have been standing next to me every step of the way because no liquor came to my lips to induce me into a drunken stupor, no unexpected early babies, no promiscuity, no drugs or chain smoking bad habits, no failing bad grades, no cutting, no choking, no beating, no bullying... Nothing but my hope that my future will be different. That it will change. I stayed strong for myself because that's all I had. Whether someone believed in me or not it didn't matter if I didn't hold strong to my Self.
I seemed to run into many un-promising individuals. I still do to this day... which I'm believing must be my faith since birth. I just don't understand how it seems okay at first and then it ends sorely. I can talk to the person 1 day and everything is fine then wait a few months and I call them again... it may or may not be good. That will always be the mystery of my life. So the question that I can answer is- What about family to turn to? Ha..that's all I can say...
Even now at 27... the worst position I could be in. At home, no job, no money-- only a humble soul, the Lord to look to, and my mother working to provide for both of us-- there is no family support elsewhere. I could go into all these f* up details about that and why not? I have nothing to lose. My father passed in April 2008 and everything else seemed to slide downhill afterwards. There were promises of care, giving, love, and support when both families combined for the first time under one roof. Life is as it was before my father passed to this day. My mother and I, alone --endured a falling accident that required 911 to be called and an ambulance to arrive at the same time the basement flooded basically half way up the stairs during a major storm, severe sickness for two weeks, super weight gain, broken water heater in the winter, toxic job for two years with a vengeful, demeaning supervisor, unjust termination from an ungrateful job, and the intent from another to underhandedly terminate from constant viciousness from the supervisor. We went through some trials. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? It doesn't kill you --it just pains a good part of your happiness.
I would like to think I've matured in some kind of way. I've had experiences that hurt me. I wish I had more happy times and less heartbreak but maybe it contributes to my approach. If I want something I go after it. I work up the nerve to do things other people have called brave. I just don't see it that way. I guess being my own person has left me not afraid of certain things. I embrace my directness and blunt quality of saying what's on my mind and how I feel. I don't want to cower away from those qualities about myself. I'm tired of holding back what I feel for fear of how it will be perceived. I've been shunned for it. Those that take the time to get to know me will realize I mean well. I'm not maliciously trying to say things to hurt someone and cut them down. I've been bullied, ignored, mistreated, and misunderstood in my youth. It's not who I am.
I want to be more happy than sad. I like to make people laugh and enjoy the company of anyone who allows me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel that way around everyone so when I am around those people...watch out! It's like unleashing the dragon, seriously lol. I enjoy what's enjoyably good. I care about what people think, their opinions, their hopes, dreams, aspirations... We don't give each other enough time to enjoy each other for who we are. I notice how we get antsy and impatient when a person elaborates on something they're talking about. What's wrong with just listening? Do we know how to listen anymore? We are so quick to judge and get annoyed with someones' differences. We should do better. Yes there are times we may not be in the mood, but guess what? There is someone out here who may not want to deal with how we are sometimes. So it's a give or take.
What I take from my life is what I want in my future. I want to be in a family that exemplifies everything that was missing from mine. Seems to be the only way to do that is to marry into one. If that's the case I hope it happens. I don't mind it being his --or her family because honestly I don't know who I'll fall in love with. I'm not professing any form of sexuality, just being for real. But for any who question I am heterosexual. I know that I want to have the best relationship with my partner that I can have so marriage counseling is on my list. I will not carry the baggage of my childhood into another life to continue. The cycle must break somewhere and I want it to completely stop with me. Alot of the backlash I endured through my parents and their families existed before I was born. Even if it started while I was growing up I will not take the guilt for everyone's' misgivings towards each other. It's easy to blame the side of the family that lived well, had good education, and didn't have to worry about the government's support.
So that is the plan for myself. Until then I'm still dealing with the distance from my extended family. I've seen the light and if I allow it to run my life I'll turn bitter like them.
I may not seem to be an important factor to anyone but I thank God everyday for waking me up and allowing me to fulfill His need for me on this Earth. I don't know exactly what it is but I feel my best when I'm giving support and concern back to others. You don't even have to ask for it --I just do it. I'm probably still seeking that love and support that didn't come from my family. Regardless if it is or not I hope I'm bringing light into the lives of those around me. If I'm accomplishing that then that's all that matters. I still see rainbows and dance/sing to my own Self when I'm watching music videos on tv. It will get better. I have to believe it will.
Just the other day Rodney King is found at the bottom of a pool. Tormented all his life by things unknown to us. It's tragic when the end can be so brutal. I think about my life story... the dysfunction. The disconnect. The built up anger... And wonder if I'm festering the mess inside of me.
It is impossible to believe it's not. Both of my parents, God help them, came from families where "Love and Family" did not mix. What I saw as a child was "surface matter". I didn't understand why we lived so far away from everyone. I was just mad as a child that I didn't have the closeness I wanted. I needed to feel complete. The truth of the matter is I didn't know who these people were. My mother's brothers, my father's mother, sister, and brother, my half brother and sister. Their family continuation didn't change much either.
I finally get the chance to "know" them for a few summers of my life when everything seemed good. I was happy to know I was connected to something I came from. But tell me why the tables turned leading up to my final years in high school? Seemed like everyone by this point separated emotionally and mentally from what was important in a family. What I didn't understand was it was always there....it just started to show it's ugly face.
By the time I graduated high school not a single person from my maternal or paternal side recognized my graduation. All I had was my mother, father, a friend I'm no longer close to, my bus driver, her mother --who is now deceased, a co-worker from working at Kroger and her housemate who looked for opportunity in all the wrong places. Those were the only people who congratulated me that one day in May.
It didn't make a difference when I graduated College in April 2007. Only my mom and dad were there. That's it. So what does family mean to me? It's very hard to say. I want to believe in what it means to be loved by a family... I want that for my life. I deserve it like anyone else, but I've never had it. I'm a lost wandering soul.
There has always been something upsetting me. I've covered it up- with the constant "you have a chip on your shoulder" or "it's going to come back on you" or "you have a bad attitude" thrown at me from my parents. I showed emotion like any other person but for some reason it was just "wrong" to my parents. I felt ashamed. Guilty. I put on a false face to show that I wasn't those things because what they said to me sounded so bad. I put all my time and energy into "proving" to those around me I was worthy. I was loyal. I was good. I was trustworthy. A good friend. Doing all of this left me used, taken for granted, made-fun of, and delusional to mistreatment. It left me alone feeling even more insecure than what I needed to feel.
I desperately wanted to feel "home" with the ones I loved. But it wasn't there. As I got older The unsettled emotions inside of me formed into infrequent rage. It wasn't all the time, just every blue moon the emotions festered up to surface. I lashed out on my parents at different times when I just couldn't take any more. I was holding onto what I had left--my own damn self. I cried many days and nights from feeling alone. No one understood what I felt --where I was coming from. If I wear my emotions on my sleeve then I do it proudly. What is a heart if we don't use it??? My parents were taught to build a fortitude to protect themselves because they experienced this indifference to family love in their youth.
When you have no where to turn what happens? You go straight to the wrong things that can torment and destroy you. For some reason I stayed away from those things. I am excessive when I like something but God must have been standing next to me every step of the way because no liquor came to my lips to induce me into a drunken stupor, no unexpected early babies, no promiscuity, no drugs or chain smoking bad habits, no failing bad grades, no cutting, no choking, no beating, no bullying... Nothing but my hope that my future will be different. That it will change. I stayed strong for myself because that's all I had. Whether someone believed in me or not it didn't matter if I didn't hold strong to my Self.
I seemed to run into many un-promising individuals. I still do to this day... which I'm believing must be my faith since birth. I just don't understand how it seems okay at first and then it ends sorely. I can talk to the person 1 day and everything is fine then wait a few months and I call them again... it may or may not be good. That will always be the mystery of my life. So the question that I can answer is- What about family to turn to? Ha..that's all I can say...
Even now at 27... the worst position I could be in. At home, no job, no money-- only a humble soul, the Lord to look to, and my mother working to provide for both of us-- there is no family support elsewhere. I could go into all these f* up details about that and why not? I have nothing to lose. My father passed in April 2008 and everything else seemed to slide downhill afterwards. There were promises of care, giving, love, and support when both families combined for the first time under one roof. Life is as it was before my father passed to this day. My mother and I, alone --endured a falling accident that required 911 to be called and an ambulance to arrive at the same time the basement flooded basically half way up the stairs during a major storm, severe sickness for two weeks, super weight gain, broken water heater in the winter, toxic job for two years with a vengeful, demeaning supervisor, unjust termination from an ungrateful job, and the intent from another to underhandedly terminate from constant viciousness from the supervisor. We went through some trials. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? It doesn't kill you --it just pains a good part of your happiness.
I would like to think I've matured in some kind of way. I've had experiences that hurt me. I wish I had more happy times and less heartbreak but maybe it contributes to my approach. If I want something I go after it. I work up the nerve to do things other people have called brave. I just don't see it that way. I guess being my own person has left me not afraid of certain things. I embrace my directness and blunt quality of saying what's on my mind and how I feel. I don't want to cower away from those qualities about myself. I'm tired of holding back what I feel for fear of how it will be perceived. I've been shunned for it. Those that take the time to get to know me will realize I mean well. I'm not maliciously trying to say things to hurt someone and cut them down. I've been bullied, ignored, mistreated, and misunderstood in my youth. It's not who I am.
I want to be more happy than sad. I like to make people laugh and enjoy the company of anyone who allows me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel that way around everyone so when I am around those people...watch out! It's like unleashing the dragon, seriously lol. I enjoy what's enjoyably good. I care about what people think, their opinions, their hopes, dreams, aspirations... We don't give each other enough time to enjoy each other for who we are. I notice how we get antsy and impatient when a person elaborates on something they're talking about. What's wrong with just listening? Do we know how to listen anymore? We are so quick to judge and get annoyed with someones' differences. We should do better. Yes there are times we may not be in the mood, but guess what? There is someone out here who may not want to deal with how we are sometimes. So it's a give or take.
What I take from my life is what I want in my future. I want to be in a family that exemplifies everything that was missing from mine. Seems to be the only way to do that is to marry into one. If that's the case I hope it happens. I don't mind it being his --or her family because honestly I don't know who I'll fall in love with. I'm not professing any form of sexuality, just being for real. But for any who question I am heterosexual. I know that I want to have the best relationship with my partner that I can have so marriage counseling is on my list. I will not carry the baggage of my childhood into another life to continue. The cycle must break somewhere and I want it to completely stop with me. Alot of the backlash I endured through my parents and their families existed before I was born. Even if it started while I was growing up I will not take the guilt for everyone's' misgivings towards each other. It's easy to blame the side of the family that lived well, had good education, and didn't have to worry about the government's support.
So that is the plan for myself. Until then I'm still dealing with the distance from my extended family. I've seen the light and if I allow it to run my life I'll turn bitter like them.
I may not seem to be an important factor to anyone but I thank God everyday for waking me up and allowing me to fulfill His need for me on this Earth. I don't know exactly what it is but I feel my best when I'm giving support and concern back to others. You don't even have to ask for it --I just do it. I'm probably still seeking that love and support that didn't come from my family. Regardless if it is or not I hope I'm bringing light into the lives of those around me. If I'm accomplishing that then that's all that matters. I still see rainbows and dance/sing to my own Self when I'm watching music videos on tv. It will get better. I have to believe it will.
Posts
