How Many Steps Did I Walk -9,221. For How Many Miles -3.5. Let's Talk About It & The Human Interactions.

Walking 9,221 steps for 3.5 miles from my house on the bicycle and golf cart path all around Lake Peachtree my social interaction begins. A warm day hitting close to 80 degrees but remained in the mid to high 70 degree mark. The time, close to 3:00 PM started my journey. No one around during this sunny time on this day of the week in April 2 days before the month of May begins on Saturday. I am wearing white soft cotton T by Talbots comfort wear capris, a loose breathable cotton top with flutter sleeves, elasticized string-tie neckline and elasticized waist. It is medium length. Brand Old Navy. White Red-outlined flowers against a purple background. My walking shoes, SKECHERS striped red and white, with worn down aerosol gel foot supports in worn down, bad shape needing replacing! Wore them anyways and felt it throughout the walk until the final stretch. Decided to wear my hot pink "gold" rimmed medium sized hoops from Talbots. Today I decided to wear an actual outfit instead of work out, walking attire. These days it doesn't matter whether I wear either. I'm still sweating in them! Then to the hamper it goes. 

My calves hurt today! Hurt really bad. Not all my walking days are like this. I hate it when they are though. I made it 2 miles to the end of the road where the tiny residential park in that area rested. It was like approaching an oasis. I kept telling my feet in my mind, "C'mon don't give out on me! We're almost there then I will take my weight off of you", which is 186.2lbs. (Accurate reading from my visit to the Clinic Monday for my Annual Exam. 5'3 and 186.2lbs. Not Good. Need To Drop It!) Reaching the bench at the park was The Biggest Relief and I sat there for maybe 15 minutes. Listening to my favorite session TINY DESK. The performer Raphael Saadiq. The wind was rustling the leaves on the trees and it can be felt all around. Against my face, arms, and through my loose top. It felt nice! For a warm day these are the type of days that work for me. The sun is out but the clouds cover it at times making it less hot. The wind must be breezy with a slight coolness to it, not hot! For Heaven's sake, No! Never like the Sahara Desert. The time is approaching for it. By mid-May there's no hope for cool breezes after that. Nothing but the smoldering hallucinating dehydrating humidity of Georgia. Ain't no way you're going to catch me in that monster. Heeeellll Noooo Sir/Ma'm! I'm getting my steps in while I can.

Rotating my feet as I'm sitting at the bench there is a mother and daughter playing basketball in the caged court a distance away from me. I'm thinking, this must be "coach mommy" time. The daughter spent most of the time throwing balls and missing them. Running after each one quickly. It just felt like the right narrative. The woman had brown hair just like the girl did. Wearing typical "around the house" clothes, not like a coach. There were also some other people scattered, a couple of moms with their kids on the swings, a man and another kid on the slide. Appeared to be together. Bottles of water and a dark blue large lunch bag sitting on the park table and bench they chose to sit at. Mine was not far away but not close which I preferred. I keep my distance during this Pandemic. I can feel the numbing from walking on the bottoms of my feet. The muscles contracting in my calves. Listening to Saadiq perform his 36 minutes set with guest Lucky Daye. I rest my legs and feet for a moment to be present feeling nature around me. This is meditative. I am very Blessed to be able to do this especially during this time of day in this neighborhood. You would've never caught me saying anything like this when I was younger wanting nothing more than to get away.

This is strictly my observation... I have come to the realization as a female, a Black Female, the more engaging and social types from the non-social. When I see Caucasian White women there are 3 kinds I've seen so far, considering the area where I live. The single strolling or exercising White woman in her 40's into 60's. The single White female in her 30's. The group of 3-4 White females in their early to mid-40's. 

Then there are the other groupings. White women in their 40's to early 50's with their partners, boyfriends, or husbands. Single strolling or jogging White men in their 50's. Solo White males running in their mid 30's to early 40's. Focused and determined male and female cyclists in their 50's on up. The silly stupidly reckless teenager driving erratically and/or driving too fast.

In my sole opinion I must tell the truth from what I feel and what seems to be the common thread in society through the repetition in media outlets. The blatant disregard the walking group of  3-4 White women I've experienced is real. It is very rare in these groups I'll receive a single "hello" by mouth movement and/or sound included or the simple easy greeting of hand waving as I walk by. One on the end closest to me will say something but don't expect the other 2 "snobs" to do it. It is truly a group mentality! I'm so glad I stand on my own as an individualist. No one can sway me to act differently from what feels honest and true to my nature. No one. 

 In this community waving is a common gesture. Most people do it out of friendliness, commonality, or just acknowledgement of another human. Not everyone will do it for many reasons that are rightful such as, "I don't know you, Don't feel like it, Don't care. No reason to do it." It's all justified. No one is obligated to do anything but it is considerable. It is not a requirement unfortunately to be "considerate" but Selfishly it is nice to receive it! 

Being nice and kind is a personal trait, habit, and state of being. I realize people are not going to be this way. The millions of walks of life that exist, No Way! I don't know everybody on the planet, who does?!!? Who knows what someone is going through. Who knows what's going on in their head. For instance I walked across the bridge towards the end of a length of walking past the library and Lake Peachtree 3 different types of people in a row walked by me. 2 women walking in their 40's or 50's, a woman and man walking in their early to mid 60's, and 1 guy in his early 30's walking wearing dark shades a blue shirt and dark blue jogging pants. At least 1 person in these pairings waved except for the last one, the guy. He looked like he was in a daze or angry. Hard to tell when you're wearing black shades. Waved at him and he kept walking straight ahead like he wasn't up to engaging with anyone. Something was going on with him. I could sense it. Instead of letting it irk me my reasoning are all the things listed above and frankly, Who cares! I choose, "I don't know you" and "I don't care" as the response. This person has no significance in my life. But Hey, doesn't it just make you feel weird?!! You wave at someone and they don't return it back. I've experienced it so much I just say something under my breath. So yeah, I don't always take it so easily but it's soon forgotten. I'm listening to my music by the way. I'm Good! 

This walking excursion I had to sit another time on this 10K pole walking path. On the other side of the lake it was truly Beautiful. The bench was facing the water and seeing the sun light flicker off the movement is one of the Most Wonderful things about nature. It is natural sparkle. To the right of me an elderly couple were sitting on a wooden sturdy swing. The left side of me when I first sat down 2 Black females, very young looking possibly in their early 20's or teenagers, sat in another similar swing set. Contently just looking at the water. Solemn but peaceful, I could tell. Limited people at this time of day at this spot. It can get congested depending on the day and time. Here and there a bike rider aka cyclist, a walker, a few kids with their moms. Before I knew it around 20 minutes later the 2 Black females got up and left and a White woman and her son sat in the swing leisurely eating what looked to be a treat of some kind, maybe yogurt or ice cream. The elderly couple still sitting in the swing nearby, just at ease, peaceful. And there I was sitting on the bench shaded fairly well from the sun by the tree and its leaves overhead. Someone's kid's shoes and socks left at the top of the back rest on the end. The breeze was lovely when it blew and I closed my eyes many times. Imagining what my future looked like with kids. Bringing them outdoors to spots like this and feeling a sense of joy a mother would feel. I tend to daydream Blissfulness and Perfection when I'm happy. Believing there is such a thing-A possibility. Whenever I let myself get too caught up in the idea it tends to backfire and show me what life really does look like when the eyes are open. 

I still want to believe there is a chance at it even if it's only for a temporary amount of time. I want to hope it can last longer than a moment. There are people in this world who have found the fountain of youth and the point of this life-this physical existence. Be Happy. Find Happiness. You Don't Have To Live With Pain and Suffer. Do What You Can To Get Out of the Confines of Your Circumstance and Find Your Damn Happy. It is Too Beautiful Out Here Not To Be. Our God Gave Us So Much To Live For To Not Allow Ourselves To Have It. 

To be human is to feel all the emotions that come with living this physical life. Denying our feelings only makes us suffer. We must experience all of them. But once we do, don't let it be long term. Allowing the heart to heal allows for Beauty to return and Grace Herself into one's life again. I think this is the hardest lesson for many people to grasp. Don't get me wrong, there are times it will be hard as hell, but after dwelling in that space for so long it gets tiresome. You feel weary and you want to breathe and be alive again. There comes a point where the suffering just eats you up and you're just f*cking sick of it. I chose to live and come out of my lowest point. It took 2 years to feel "normal" (even though I still have much healing to do) but I let God walk with me through it. Guide and bring me out. One day I felt my body change and I knew my body and soul were recovering. I still kept myself at a slow pace, not letting myself get too anxious and fearful of returning back to where I came from. I worked too hard to be ok. Eventually I felt better.

It looked like more company appeared when I turned my head again. 2 kids included! Energetic boy and girl. He had a band-aid on his knee. 1 indication of a "rough and tumble". Both of them eating a treat. The boy, thinking he could be risky walked down towards the lake. Where I sat the incline had rocks and I kept saying to myself, Child be careful. He walked along the rocks and got past them then walked further to the right looking back to make sure mommy wasn't watching. Typical boy. Then eventually his sister ran to where he was safely on the grass. Young girl having fun. Eventually I got up after listening to the rest of Raphael Saadiq (the part where he talks about never experiencing A Black Marching Band because his high school in East Oakland didn't have one- I 2nd that! And if he ever had the chance to make his own music A Tuba was going to be in a song to pay homage! Shout out to NOLA, New Orleans. I remember the song too. It was during the turn of the millennium. I was in high school and saw the music video either on BET or VH1 Soul) and feeling my last breeze off the lake and kept walking. I still had some corners to turn but the shade from the trees were worth the walk. Solo walking through a forest. Saw a couple of ducks walking my way. So close and cute. Looking up I noticed a few people parked with their golf cart in a shaded area near the lake. Animals in the wilderness these days are easier than I've ever known before. In my childhood they were nothing like this! Fearful & Timid. Generations change even with them! 

As I reached a turning point a couple on a golf cart whizzed on by going straight. I watched them at my split in the path and it felt like a movie scene- 2 people traveling in one direction like a happily ever after scene. I'm so day-dreamy like that. Then I kept walking. Coming up on the left side of me a White man in his late 50's walking/jogging by waved easily and I waved back. Met a Black man in his mid 60's to 70's on a golf cart as I crossed a gritty messy recently cemented neighborhood road and he seemed all too pleasant enough to wave at me. I waved back of course. By the end of my walk there still wasn't many people around. It truly was a day meant for me. After turning the last bend walking past a couple in their 60's there were 2 women and their 2 daughters ahead of me. I decided instead of going roundabout, walking straight, cross a mini bridge, and go through a neighborhood to reach the same path going home, to walk across the waterway bridge. I took my earphones out my ears listening to TINY DESK Jazmine Sullivan (who sounds pretty darn good if I might say!) and listened to the rushing water admiring the architectural genius of the design. Rectangular flat surfaces with water spilling over the sides making this marvelous, loud, rushing water sound that has your mind in another realm. Next to them rectangular storage for the water you can see. 

On the way home this group remained in front of me. Both girls seemed to be fascinated by my presence, somewhat lingering behind close to where I was walking. Their moms encouraging them to come on. 1 blonde girl with straight hair and the other possibly Hispanic with brown hair. Eventually they stayed with their mothers. We reached near to the end of my walking day at a stop sign. Somehow more people appeared on 2 sets of golf carts and a bike. I was taking my time in no rush. My legs and feet were tired but I felt energized like they were accustomed to the walking by this point and felt less strained. A line of cars appeared on the right side. A couple of cars on the left from the light turning on the highway. A white SUV stopped to let everyone cross and I knew I didn't want to rush across. Motioning for them to go I stayed to let these cars pass. It was around 4:00 PM there was some traffic. It wasn't as easy so I waited a moment with my empty water bottle bottom pressed to my lips. A car was spaced a part from another far but not too behind coming up until I could dart across the golf cart crossing. 2 golf carts were on the opposite side and I ended up having to jump the curb onto the grass due to the lack of path for me to walk on. Common for what I have to do to get home it seems. 

The women and their daughters were further ahead and I felt a bit saddened by the thought they forgot about me, the solo female walking behind them. The girls I was thinking of closely walking with their mothers engaged, not at all aware of anything else. I walked up the last hill to the neighbor's driveway across from us, bid them farewell as they turned the corner, looked both ways before crossing the road, then jotted across. Skipped the mailbox and the empty garbage can. Just went straight inside using my key on the chain on my left wrist. Yelled I was home upstairs. Took off my glasses, walking meter, mobile phone with earphones, sat my empty bottle on the kitchen counter, and went straight to the bathroom. After that I was hot, my legs were still "moving" contracting muscles from the walk, went upstairs, took off my clothes. Yup, I'm a nudie. Put on my "after walking" loose tee, went back downstairs turned on the box fan in my direction, got a chair for balance, and did my "after walking" 4 step stretching exercises to avoid any stiffness and cramping the following days. 

It's important to drink LOTS of water after what I did. Gulped a good portion then I was hungry! I only ate a banana and it was around 4 something. Experts say if you feel hungry after exercising your body is really saying its thirsty. Hunger and thirst are 1 in the same. The body can't tell it a part. You just have to know what your body is asking for and usually it is hydration. When I feel that starved feeling with gurgling sounds it's when I know I'm hungry. From last night after bringing in food from Dogwood Church pantry and washing the packaging with soap and water, I took out a cup of Kraft mac and cheese in the cup. Don't knock it until you try it! Follow my advice for creamy and soft noodles if you like this texture after reading. In the toaster oven discovered remaining hash browns and buttered toast, now softened. Ate it all in the "cleaned" kitchen (no dishes in the sink or stove-everything orderly put back into place). 

Tip For Creamy And Soft Kraft Mac And Cheese In The Single Serving Instant Cup. 

Patience Required. I know you're hungry but trust me it's worth it!

After adding water to the Fill-Line Pour in a small drizzle of Grapeseed oil or Olive oil.

Add The Powder Cheese In The Packet Then Stir Everything Together.

I Tried Adding Black Pepper To See How It Would Taste And It Was Fine.

If You Try This And Discover You Need More Salt To Taste Add A Few Pinches During This Process!

After It Is Done In The Microwave after 3 minutes Stir Again And Lay The Plastic Covering On Top.

Take A Light weight Covering such as a Microwave Spill Cover or Lid To A Pot and Place It Over It.

Let It Settle For 8-10 minutes. Come Back And You Will Have Creamy, Cheesy, Yummy Mac & Cheese. 

You May end up Eating a 2nd cup. I've Been Tempted! Think of this as actually making Ramen or Nissan noodles in a cup. I use the same process with that too. The noodles taste fuller and the vegetables/meat seem more plump. The heat still retains but not as fiercely.

These Jobs Are Looking For What?!!?

Good evening Kool World.
Need to share this. Is there anyone else out here who thinks these part-time jobs are expecting TOO MUCH from candidates to join their 'team' and work for them?!??
It has become increasingly ( and my opinion only ) STUPID the run-around and lagging-on for the interview, the follow-up, and the offer itself!
Recently I applied for a job that was perfect for it's location. Went through the process: application online, resume, call-initiative (introduced myself to the manager/hiring mgr to tell her that I was interested in the position and completed the application and resume on Indeed.com), received a call from the hiring mgr to schedule interview day & time, spent an hour with the general manager who was also female for over an hour on a Sunday, basically told I fit exactly what they were looking for (I came prepared, had the expertise, and I'm hired for the position), expect to receive a call Friday while she coveres other information: background check etc. & I'm assuming references (and this is the kicker) and after she interviews other candidates. But of course I had nothing to worry about, because more than likely I would be offered the position.
During interviews not only am I being asked the tough questions, I do the same right back! From research online, there are questions you can ask the manager since you're going to be working under them or with them. In your search engine try 'QUESTIONS TO ASK DURING AN INTERVIEW'. About.com has Questions asked during job interviews and the answers you can adjust to your understanding for the job you're applying for.
I'm waiting anxiously for Friday but know that in retail the interviewer never offers a job or calls back when he/she says they will. And I was right. I call back Tuesday because Mondays are the days no one likes, chances of her being there are slim since Store Managers usually are getting prepared for the week and busy, or just plain not there. Reached her on Tuesday and was given the excuse of how busy it was in the store over the weekend, more than what they expected, she had to catch up with the interviews she had done, and apologized for not being on top of things but will let me know what to expect in the next couple of days, so call back then. I had no reason to think otherwise of what was happening. Her voice was all chipper and up-beat and 'cordial' -all the perfect makings of retail persona. So this is what happened...The following morning as I'm online I happen to check my mailbox and see a message from the company. I had applied at two different companies but they were under the same parent corporation. My mind impulsively assumes the 'you have not been selected for the position for this job' was for the other job I had applied for. Then something struck me and I re-read the message, paying close attention to the subject line. Not what I thought, it came from the company I very least expected. Wasn't I just on the phone with the store manager the other day and she said to contact her in the next couple days?!!? Yes.
With my mother being in retail she tells me don't think nothing of it, I've received those generic letters all the time, it doesn't mean anything. They're sent out automatically after so much time has passed. There's nothing that can be done about it. But still I couldn't help to wonder Why? and What the hell is going on? I just had an interview - why would an e-mail like that not be stopped from being sent to my mailbox? It's misleading and quite frankly f*cked up. I decided to give her a call the next day to be clear on what was going on, hoping it was an error and nothing to worry about.
You want to talk about played, bamboozled, mis-lead, lead-on, lied to, cheated, and set up for failure and false sense of hope! Tell me why with the most calm and courteous tone I could muster the answer I receive from this shady low-down individual is 'That's right, you have not been offered the position'. After waiting around, stalling, and believing there was a possibility, even from her lying false mouth that's all I receive as the end result. Did she not say, I am a direct person, I know what I like and what will work, and more than likely I'm hiring you for this position because I believe you will make a good fit. She gave her word up-front and center (and it meant NOTHING).
So I let her have it! But first I needed to know What did I not show that was not a 'good' fit since you (I addressed her) told me I would be offered the position, was what they were looking for, and had the expertise (her words). She tries to give the ole' spill -the truth is you were our runner up but after going through the interviewers we found that would better suit/fit our team for what we're looking for at this time. I'm even more purplexed, puzzled, whatever the hell you want to call it  because it was two-sided, contradictory, & absolute backwards nonsense.
Why worry at this point what I'll say? I didn't get offered the job. So I threw it all back in her direction exactly that.
IT WAS A LET-DOWN, DISSAPOINTMENT, AND DISCOURAGMENT AFTER SPENDING AN HOUR TALKING AND GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER, BEING CONSOLED THAT I HAD THE JOB, AND JUST NEEDED TO WAIT FOR THE CALL. I BELIEVED IT WAS FOR THE NEXT STEP IN THE PROCESS, NOT TO RECEIVE A GENERIC MESSAGE THAT I DIDN'T GET THE POSITION AS IF I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE TO MY NAME, SOME RANDOM PERSON WITH NO EXPERIENCE. I EXPECTED A PHONE CALL FROM YOU, NOT THAT. I CALLED BECAUSE I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT.
YOU SAID YOURSELF THAT YOU'RE DIRECT AND KNOW WHAT YOU WANT WHEN YOU SEE IT AND THAT'S WHAT I BELIEVED- WHAT YOU SAID. I'M ALSO DIRECT AND MEANT HOW MUCH I RESPECTED THE COMPANY AND WHAT IT STOOD FOR. I MEANT WHAT I SAID WHEN I WANTED TO WORK HERE. I LET A POTENTIAL JOB INTERVIEW GO BECAUSE I RELIED ON WHAT YOU DIRECTLY SAID TO ME BECAUSE YOU SOUNDED SINCERE...
And of course her reply was to defend herself. All that I didn't give a damn to hear... 'You Need to Understand 2x and it just fell on deaf ears! I can't remember anything else because her saying that shut me completely down. What I understand is everything I was told was a waste of my time and I'm presently without a job. At that point I wanted to curse her out, YOU'RE GOING BACK ON YOUR WORD AND NOT OFFERING ME THE JOB and you're telling me I NEED TO UNDERSTAND. Kiss my ass. That's all I felt. What annoys me is the competitiveness of these fly-by-night, simple, highschooler retailers out here trying to create the 'SUPER' Team to reach and exceed sales goals every day. If the location is suffering there's something wrong with what's going on inside the store (with management) and/or the traffic is sparse. No super team will make a difference. Not sure what is being saved AND now it's no concern of mine. There was no mention of 'commission' and that changes the dynamic in my opinion.  
So just to note to myself I inquire 'What are the chances of any positions opening up?' We're probably not going to be needing anyone else right now. You can apply again in the summer for any openings. Just the typical 'I-don't care' snootiness that is prominent where I live.
She ends the call with a rehearsed perked-up 'Your application will still be on file for the next 60 days and you have the opportunity to apply for other job openings'... blah blah blah in that sickingly annoying chipper, fake-ass, retail perfect voice that now sounds just as phony and two-faced as she is. I was like, yea, ok, hung up on her ass.
Now I'm back at square one. More determined & sharper than before.

I'll Do What I Must To Get Where I Need To

This came to my mind as I'm watching American Idol...

I noticed how the contestants I've seen who are in their late 20's, early 30's have the job position title with the word 'manager' in it.

And it got me thinking...

 

2 Questions for everyone, even those who fall in those age categories.

Do 20-30 year olds emphasize leadership? (at work, home, church, and all other facets of life)
If no, why do you feel they're lacking in leadership?

Are today's youth and young adults trying to reach success and reach the top by any means necessary? (like crabs in a barrel clawing at each other to reach the top)
If yes, why do you think they are using these measures to reach their goals?

Just Some Mad Ass Kids

The way our parents grew up was different on how their parents raised them. The world was different. It was about “you don’t discuss this or that, you keep this to yourself, you don’t show this (express) yourself. They faced challenges and hardships that were extreme for their generation and time yet the world they once knew no longer exists. These kids who have grown up into parents are trying to raise their modern day children the way they were raised or lack thereof and it doesn’t 100% apply. Discipline is still discipline regardless and shouldn’t be skipped around, but I’m not talking about that. Kids have to learn a new set of skills on how to survive in the world they live in.

This is 2014, not 1950-something. I hear all the time about kids having “mental illness” which very much is possible with some of us. But I personally have talked to a few people who are in the same age bracket as me and we’ve all come to the conclusion that there is a gap in communication and understanding with us and our parents. We have been addressed by our loved ones as having “something wrong” with us when we openly and candidly spill our pains, sorrows, and frustrations with them. It’s dismissal and rejection that causes us to turn away believing maybe there is something wrong with us but more importantly we’re not received by those we care about in confidence and vulnerability. That leaves a scar that ones like us bear and continue to hold on to without any resolution.

I’m also looking on the other side of the coin to understand that perhaps it does take others who “get it” to support and connect with us because that’s the only way we’re going to be the best we can be in our lives-as mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, granddaughters and so forth. Maybe the generation gap is so large that it is impossible for our parents to be a source of help, hope, and security for us- it takes a little bit more. We may just have to help each other, instead of ripping each other a part YOLO-ing and middle finger up-ing each other. Turning our backs on each other and separating into our elitist groups of entitlement and superiority will be the death and destruction of the future of our children. The signs are there if we only pay attention to them and correct them while we still have time. If we’re not willing to do that then I guess we’re saying to hell with everyone including those we love.

It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks but it’s not too late to change the youth around us. Iyanla Vanzant speaks of “pathology” and how we continue a process of bad behaviors and hurtful tactics that we pass on to each other (potentially in our families). Ever since I learned of this term it is part of my dialog with discussing the perils of pain many of us continue to endure. If we don’t face our demons now then when will we? They will still be there affecting the lives of our (my generation) children and children’s children. There is a MAJOR difference between behavioral issues and mental illness issues even though both are so much alike. If we eliminate closeness, bonding, and affirmation from our daily communications with these kids and not discipline them properly when they are “acting up” and showing out then we’re creating uncontrollable, fearless, immoral monsters. I’m a firm believer that it starts at home. We need to do a trial and error there first to make a diagnosis from that standpoint. Instead I’m hearing left and right about a child presumed to be “mentally ill” for the way they drawn in, rage out -having these wild disorders developed from feeling alone, misunderstood, and unheard. 

Also until we address Bullying as a source of destruction to the human spirit in this day and age we will never get a grasp on what’s really killing today’s children. Nobody wants to feel alone, especially with a hurtful secret. It’s toxic and as it stores in the mind of the afflicted it becomes an internal poison that breaks down the soul of the individual. Meaning they are a walking emotional breakdown! But because we live in a society where you’re deemed weird or odd for showing your emotions outwardly (even in 2014) something is potentially “wrong” with the individual when many of us have our own problems keeping our emotions within. It’s truly what needs to be focused on and it will take more than 1 or 2 people to do alone. It takes a whole body of people to change their way of thinking. However way we can make that possible it definitely needs to happen. To speak from the place of mistreatment, abuse, belittlement, ostracization,   

 

What sparked this entry was Katie Couric’s talk show – 3pm today with its first segment on a young Caucasian boy whose parents didn’t know what to do with his emotional/behavioral issues and deemed him mentally ill (experts/themselves).

Lee Daniel's 'The Butler' Is America's Story- Through the intimately raw Life-story of a Black Butler

Just had the opportunity to watch the first day release (Jan 14) on Red Box, The Butler with Forest Whitaker and Oprah. We made sure to get it before all rentals were unavailable. It is one of the BEST, soul-wrenching, life-joggling films I have ever seen. Not only does it tell the story of a black man who was a devoted Butler for 20+ years serving many presidents but it captures the world as it was in a time of racial indifference, hatred, violence, and the evolving movement of the US. Starting from his youth as a slave all the way throughout his life as a husband and father, the paths his sons took, the struggles of his wife (Oprah), and his own self-realizations from what he knew as a young man trying to find a way to survive and live in a world that rejected him to a well-lived man seeing the world change before his eyes and seeing the progressive results of the fight many blacks lived and died for so that one day we could see a man of color be our nation's president. It's a story that you will be engrossed in and once you're done you'll feel glad and proud to have seen it. 

After watching and turning back to "normal" tv it was like coming out of a trance. I was back in reality again...and what do I witness on tv, the same ole bullshit we all see on an everyday basis, reality tv, drama, falseness, and delusion (because before poppin in the movie we were watching Bravo). And it made me think again how so much involved we are in our imaginations and stories we made up for our leisure entertainment. We may have forgotten about where this country has evolved from... We're still in a rough place but in no comparison to what our ancestors went through- all of us. It's not just black history it's all our history. Whether we were the opposers or the ones being opposed. Movies like this allow us to re-think many aspects of our lives: what we have, what we want, how we treat each other, how we feel about ourselves....understand the importance of humility and humbleness. It touched me; what I'm trying to say, and I wouldn't recommend a movie unless I felt it was important to pass along. I need to do my duty (as we all do) by letting others know about work of art that is mind-turning and valuable, not just because I'm black but because as an American citizen it affects all of us.
 
Rent or BUY The Butler on DVD. It is available today!

Doing Many Things And Completing Zip

I don't know how effective "multi-tasking" is when it wears a person out in the end. Seems like the only accomplishment that has been made is the depletion of energy of the body and soul. Should we prove that we're capable of doing so many things at once or is it better to show we can do many things, just not at the same time? I would like to say that I work my best doing one thing at a time very well and if I want to and able, will add on more. Success feels more rewarding to me when I know what I can handle and knowing when I can do more. Depending on how I'm feeling for the day I may just want to focus on one thing instead of a dozen others. We seem to cram so much in at once and we wonder why we resent what initially gave us pleasure in the first place. Just saying, what are we rushing for to complete by many deadlines at a time?!? Americans we are overworked. Adapting a new way of managing work could do us good.

Perfectly Planned

I just look at them and think, You have no idea…

For anyone who has speculated that the life of an “only child” is so spectacular and “perfect” you don’t have a clue. To directly put it, you don’t know anything about it. As a child everything was pre-made, done for me, any problem that arisen it was fixed. When you see life as an organized, readily made organic routine you don’t look to the future thinking everything will change. I hoped for change because unlike the presumed notion that all sibling-less kids are happy with everything they could possibly ask for it wasn’t enough. What child wouldn’t want to live in a home where they have both of their parents, a two-story home, three meals a day, a bed to sleep in, decent clothes to wear, (toys if younger) and nothing else to worry about??? Who wouldn’t want to be secure? It is in our nature to maintain and provide what is necessary to be comfortable and safe. It is a fundamental that we must have to function properly. What I’m frankly saying is we all need these things… It is what we add on in addition to it that becomes the misunderstanding, especially for single-children homes.

You want to call me a spoiled brat, go ahead but I will correct you and say it is wrongfully misused and insulting. Would you mind me calling you a self-righteous judgmental asshole? I’m sure you wouldn’t. Summing up an individual into a category and labeling them is exactly what is wrong in our society right now. First of all I don’t know who came up with such a title to describe single children with both parents. It implies that generally we’re all ungrateful kids who get whatever we want. Has anyone stopped to think that perhaps what is given is what the parents choose for the child to have? I guess it has never been viewed that way. It’s not necessarily whatever the child wants, but I will agree that we are much readily able to have certain things if we ask (and do all the right things parents want). I’m referring to things. I’ve escaped some situations with the protection at hand much more easily than otherwise expected. I value those unexpected holidays like Valentine’s Day or Easter when my mother would buy little gifts and create a cute basket. I’m sure many of us can possibly relate to that.  If it was my choice I would trade in all that I have for the bond and closeness that is non-existent from those that matter most. Over the years it has gotten worse and now it’s only a memory and ideal of what I want family to be.

Whether we feel we’re justified in it or not doesn’t change the fact we don’t allow ourselves to open up to learn about who someone is. There are times I’ve been proven wrong but it doesn’t change me from getting to know someone else. I am this way because I have been categorized and labeled all my youth: whether it had anything to do with my upbringing, my personality, my ability to learn, or anything else—I  can’t stand it because I know what resides in me is a character, a somebody, a whole being, that is not given a chance to be seen. We listen to what each other say about someone and we immediately form an opinion. All possibilities for seeing the true essence of him/her  is robbed because of what someone else has put in our heads. The sad part is we allow it to cloud our judgment. Every once in a while I’ll catch someone brave enough to say, “Think for yourself” and I love it because that’s what I always try to do no matter what. One of my biggest pet peeves is someone telling me what my thoughts are or telling me the decisions I’m about to make as If they’re controlling my body like a remote controlled robot. You want to know what a hell-raising bitch looks like take a trip inside my mind because it’s happening at those very moments. I’m an easy-going person, at least I’ve always believed myself to be, and I believe in you and anyone else having your own freedom. I live under this notion that if I don’t run your life then you can’t run mine. So when I come across anyone who thinks they can live my life better than me I have a problem with that…

Do you want to know the similarities between a child who has it "all" and a child who has nothing? Do you really? I know there are people reading this thinking, Give me a break! We already know the “vast” differences. But just give me a chance to explain and maybe this will shed some light and help you to view people’s circumstances a bit differently. A child who has it all may have the perfect picture life but feel completely alone. Things only tide us over, keep us occupied for a moment of pleasure, but they don’t fill the void of what you really need. What only children may miss is for others to see them for who they really are. When a child is alone with no parents, no family, no home, nada they have to rely on basic instincts to survive.  It’s about finding love and on this journey it can lead to the wrong places, bad places, bad people. Things overshadow what is really there and important. When it becomes the basis of any relationship there’s a need to go out to find what fills the emotional void. Besides an orphan or foster child having no one an only child experiences loneliness through the distance and lack of understanding from their parents when their emotional needs are not met and having no siblings to share and confide in. Having an extra body that is the bridge between parents is missing therefore the child must learn to cope and figure things out. This is not to blame because there are cases like mine whereas it would’ve been life threatening for more children to be brought into the world. This happens, this is life.

What varies according to every only child’s life is the closeness with extended family. I was unfortunate especially in my late teens, early adult years… With my mother and father’s presence in my life it was familiar and safe. I was upset by the detachment within my extended paternal and maternal family but it didn’t hurt as much as it does now since my father is no longer living. The void of him has made a difference and impact in my life especially being at home with my mother. Her work life has not changed and therefore she is just as consumed in it as she was when he was alive. Because I’m left with the knowing that he is not around and my extended family has not reached out to be comforting, supportive, and present it has affected me more than ever. My father was present at the birth of his daughter’s second son by his first marriage. He will never see the potential birth of children I bring into this world or walk me down the aisle if I ever get married. He will never know my children or meet the man I want to marry. Even though I’m almost 30 I still feel there’s something I’m missing and was left out of knowing. There is no manly-guide in my life anymore. There is nothing for me to base anything from and now I must rely on my instincts and continue asking God for guidance. Life will take a swing at you and remind you that not all good and secure things will last. This was my wake-up. I believe that the Lord is creating curbs in the road of life to change the course of our lives for the better. We all have a timeline and my father’s ended at the time it did. Mine is still going therefore the path that was once made has reverted in a different direction for something else to take place.  

I want to make this one point very clear. It doesn’t matter what you have or how you have it if you don’t have the foundation of strong family ties you have absolutely nothing. There is a void, emptiness, and hole that cannot be filled with monetary and material things. Unless you have a strong bond with friends that are a constant in your life then you’re not going to find it otherwise. When you don’t have the security of extended family and lose a parent you will definitely feel the sting of loneliness. It doesn’t matter how much your family pisses you off you must think about is it worth distancing and separating yourself. I know that what lies within my family’s history is much deeper than what saying “Sorry” can fix. The unexplainable can create a much bigger gap than what can be explained. My days are spent uncertain of tomorrow or where my future leads but I keep hope in knowing that in spirit the Lord guides me through all my challenges teaching and helping me to grow inside and out. As an only child I’ve learned to rely on a higher being when I was misunderstood, taken for granted, ignored, and mistreated. In the end it’s all we ever have, so I hope I’ve shed some light on what it means to walk a path “perfectly” alone and you can find an understanding that is most of the time misunderstood.

GET A GRIP : Ladies, IT'S TIME TO GET REAL WITH IT [Mature Audiences]

Let's stop the lies that we are telling ourselves once and for all.

It's about time I decided to get this pen to work and actually talk about some real topics.
So let's begin with the #1 topic on the tops of females and males minds. SEX

After video and video of watching the same redundancy. The same innuendo in tv shows.
The same "I wish I had the stud in high school" scenario being played out over and over again on "reality" tv. Guys chasing tail and girls chasing the fool... Doesn't it all become rather stupid?

How long can the same actions be repeated before it really sinks in that it's NOT working?
I may be viewed as an "over-thinking, imaginative, idealist" but I'll tell you one thing - having some good damn sense never hurt nobody and it sure kept my ass out of a lot of stupid, wasteful, and troublesome situations.

This is for my ladies....I'm addressing this to you because I am one of you and maybe in my "idealist" mind it can help many of us get on track to where we belong in this wack society of "female empowerment" that is questionable.

If we are truly "empowered" then why are we still chasing and not allowing ourselves to be chased? It's just simple laws of nature. The male is the hunter and we are the "unfortunate" prey, or though it seems. When you look at it from that stand-point it sounds rather hopeless and degrading. We're more than just the animal getting caught and humped to death until the hunter has had enough. We are living breathing creatures with hearts, minds, and souls. And that's the truth. We deserve to be treated with the utmost respect of THE higher order of the animal kingdom as Queens on our thrones. And we deserve nothing less than a KING to rule beside us.

When I read or learn of a female "giving up her goodies" or her lady treasures to her man without so much as a reason why it burns me up when I realize she's been hanging onto the dude for years and he still hasn't made a real commitment to her. Commitment meaning he has not suggested he wants to be with her for the long run and actually MEANS it. Not living together, or in other words "shacking up", but actually putting an actual engagement ring on her finger (putting a damn ring on it!) and professing his intentions of a future with her. That is a solid deal. There are cases where the guy is mixed up and can't get his priorities straight and slip up a time or two but for the most part if he's going to make that big commitment to you then he means business. He sees you as a future life partner, the mother of his children, and a reason for being a man with real obligations and purpose.

Let me backtrack and emphasize this once more, "When a fellow woman or young lady gives up her lady treasures to her guy without so much as a reason why and it burns me up...." Let me tell you why. I may be completely wrong but there is a gut feeling I have that tells me some of it will register. If we're going to break it down to the simple idea of "Hunter and Prey" think about what it feels like when you accomplish something that you've worked so hard to achieve. Feels empowering doesn't it? Makes you feel you've gained something valuable. You've earned your damn keep...

Well that goes for the Hunter or "the male". If a guy feels that he has earned his stripes he is going to walk around proudly and treasure his accomplishment rather than have it handed to him on a silver platter. When was the last time you felt proud of having a reward handed to you without doing a damn thing for it?!?!! I bet you didn't know what to do with or could understand why you received it in the first place. If you're feeling me on this one then you will be able to follow my rant lol.

Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with giving a lil sumthin sumthin if the mood hits. That's the whole point, both sides need to be feeling it. But when one side is just handing it over then there's something very wrong with the scenario. That person is neglecting their needs and wants, lowering themselves to an insignificant place. I know this because in my life I'm always giving to those around me and in return I've been given everything other than the same equal return. You feel like shit. You continue to do it because you hope one day someone will treasure your giving and kindness. The problem with it is you never know when that day will come so you may spend your entire life just waiting, until it's over. So for me and you it's a lesson we need to cop to quick because let's face it, we deserve a hell of a lot more.

If it's your birthday ladies then let it be YOUR birthday, not his. If you find yourself giving him all the glory of the day then you f*cked up. I just have to be very candid here.... He should be the one showering you with gifts, making you feel special, giving you a damn lap dance, and stripping for YOU lol 
When I learn that a fellow woman is doing all those things plus extra on her special day ( and let's not forget every other holiday that counts like the anniversary of your relationship, Valentine's Day, i.e.) I know that she is fighting for something. What was there in the beginning that he was readily showing and proving to her diminished and she's trying to get it back. Somewhere along the line it dwindled down and there seems to be a distance or lack in chemistry. It's not as passionate, or lustful, or hot, whatever the case may be. We all know relationships have their ups and downs. It's life. We're all human. When you get used to something you sorta lose your attention on how precious and valuable it is until the worst happens. But you don't want it to get to that point.

I'm not an expert, just giving a perspective. Maybe the relationship is hot and the case may be you both may not be as compatible as you thought you were. Maybe it's a thing where he's bored and wants to try something else. Hurts Ladies I know, but you got to understand The Hunter. We know all the tricks of the trade but we ignore them and play the dumb damsel in distress. We allow ourselves to get hurt when we know what's going on. We cry, we whine, we beg, we plead, we grovel on the damn ground, and we get stupid jealous because we let our power get away from us. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest this so if any of you feel that it doesn't work feel free to share your thoughts because this is all a discussion we all need to have together. Period.

The next damn time you decide you're going to open your legs for a guy without him so much as earning the right to enter the kingdom of heaven really think about what you're doing.... We live in a time where 12 year olds and disgustingly younger than that are losing their damn virginity, just because of all the foolishness of our time: curiosity, lack of knowledge, no parental guidance, peer pressure, sexual explicit garbage on tv, profanity and suggestive content on regular damn cable tv...
Little kids are knowing far too much before their time and are already hip to shit that used to be back in the day strictly for adults only. SEX is treated as simply as pouring a glass of juice, meaning there's no "value" involved in it's meaning anymore. Everything is so desensitized.

But let me get back to my original point, there's beauty in the chalice that lies between our legs. It forbears life and it gives us the closet feeling to God that we can feel on this physical earth. Why does it deserve to be handed over as if it's a disposal?!?? Just tell me that...why does our bodies need to be treated as objects to leave gunk and stuff into as if we are not made of better?!!!? The next time you go find love with Mr. so and so with your (O.P.P) on display remember what he's thinking of after he's had it and didn't do a thing to earn it. You may have him again for a few more times but expecting a real connection and relationship to develop is a fool's game.

I don't know about you but unless I'm horny there's not going to be a rump in the forest. Ladies, it's time to let your man know about what makes you happy too. He can want it all day and night but unless you're in the mind-set too there is no mutual interaction. There's nothing worse than being in a situation you don't want to be in with your mind not in it. Remember how orgasms work? If you're not mentally there then it's just an object going in and out of you. What good is making love if it's just that, no feeling, just allowing yourself to be used that way? You might as well hang your womanhood up on a coat rack and never look back at it again. You DESERVE more. We are Queens.

Lastly let me emphasize this point once more, if a guys knows he has you then there's no going back to where it was before when he was pursuing you. I'm sure somewhere in the male manual it's possible but it will take a hell of an effort to get back to it. Continue being chased and being the prey because the ultimate power lies in your hands. You hold the scepter and to make the decision of whether you want to invest your valuable time in him or not. This is how I see it... it takes a lot more effort to chase and pursue than it is to be the one pursued. The Hunter or the male has to deal with his ego and whether or not he will be able to handle the blows if you say no or reject him. And if he's really diggin you it's even harder. When I was younger it annoyed me when random guys came up to me throwing lines and acting goofy because I didn't understand it and I didn't understand the power I possessed. IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE GAME THEN YOU WILL FEEL LIKE "PREY" OR THE VICTIM.

If you keep him chasing you then you won't fail. Keep him on his toes. Don't have him believe he's got you wrapped around his finger and you're easy to take. There's no pride in the win. He will take what he wants, get tired of you quick, and throw your carcass back out to the wild for the vultures to pick all over it. Gruesome analogy lol but it got you thinking though, right? If you've noticed in your own relationships if not your girlfriends and the women in your family, you find yourself fighting for his attention and eventually turn into the nagging, fussy woman that you allowed yourself to become. When you look at it from the outside, like a fly on the wall, you'll see how crazy it looks. He's basically blocking you out, not hearing a damn thing you're saying, and you're just wasting your breath. He's got you whooped. He believes in his mind that he doesn't need to take the relationship to the next step, potentially marriage, because he's got everything he wants. The saying is 100% true, WHY BUY THE COW WHEN YOU CAN GET THE MILK FOR FREE. Yes, Yes, Yes and 100% Hallelujah. You ALL should be saying AMEN Sister! Why do YOU deserve to be wifey material when you've already gave all that you got? He has nothing to fight for. So he's riding the wave until you blow a gasket about when is he ever going to propose and ask you to marry him. He'll make you feel like you're overreacting and whatever other reasons he can come up with about why he hasn't done it. You don't know if he ever will and the indecisiveness of it all is deafening. 

We're learning and teaching our younger sisters and daughters to be the man's dream...to be this image, this walk, this talk, this hair, these eyes, lips, nose, legs, stomach, butt, every damn thing...
We're offering ourselves on a silver platter for their pleasure but they haven't given anything to deserve such rewards. Why are we DOING this? That's what we need to ask ourselves...WHY am I objectifying myself for a man's love and affections? I'll tell you this ladies because many of us have been subjected to this all our lives. When you grow up not understanding your real, true worth, not had anyone tell you you're worthy, special, beautiful, and all that you comprise of is valuable and should only be given to those who will respect it, then you become vulnerable to the evils of the world. You don't know what you've never understood. If your father was never in your life, left it at a certain age, died unexpectedly, abused you, molested you, or never talked to you about the world with males in it then you're missing one of the most valid, important messages of being alive on this earth as a female. I didn't have that "boy talk" with my father but I learned through observation, tried and true experiences, and learning from the women in my life about what it means to feel value and know what is valuable to me as a female and a woman. As women it is our duty to remind ourselves, each other, and our girls these things or we forfeit our own self-worth and dignity.

I don't have kids but if I ever have a daughter she will know directly from me what every part of her body should mean to her and how she should carry it. SEX is a part of life. It is life and we all need to stop acting like it's taboo with our youth. They are learning about it the wrong way that is harming and even killing them. It's our fault every time a kid gets a disease or gets pregnant super young because it could've been prevented if they received the attention and concern from us. AIDS is still a major factor whether or not there are medicines to treat it. It's still in our bodies and who deserves to live with the virus roaming in their bodies?!!? I know I'm talking about numerous things but my point is strictly just value your mind, body, and soul. A relationship should be healthy, meaningful, and trusting. When we notice our guys acting uninterested, it's not the time to start handing over our goodies, but to reevaluate the situation. If push comes to shove go back to basics - get to know each other all over again without SEX firsthand. Whatever happened to flirting, seduction, and making out? Do people even make-out anymore?!!!? I guess it gets too hot and heavy. But maybe that's the point, maybe there should be a form of sexual tension or resistance just to keep him wanting you. Give him a run for his money instead of handing it over. As long as both of you are on the same playing field then there's a chance of a future. Courtship is not dead. Kissing a lady's hand is not ancient. Opening up a door and letting a guy pull your chair out for you is not old-fashioned. It's respectable gentleman etiquette. It ain't the fact you can't do it yourself. It's allowing a man to be a man and be considerate to you because you deserve to be treated like a Queen.

 

Why Even Get Out Bed

It's an odd thing. How we're able to repeat our actions and train our subconscious to do the talking and walking for us when the rest of us is not there. "There" meaning in the present, willing to do all the things we do in a single day if we chose to do any and everything at all. But do you ever wonder how we manage to continue the same pattern of how we rise in the morning and do it again the next day? Does it help you to feel in control of something, anything, when everything else is falling apart? Or is it just the right thing to do because you've been taught to hit the alarm when it goes off and get up, straighten your bed, put on the morning coffee, and get yourself ready for another joyous or tireless day of going to that job or whatever you do in your day-to-day life.

So why get out of bed when there's no reason to get up? How do you find a reason to continue the same routine? You keep telling yourself, Today will be different. I'll make a difference today...or just "give it a go, just one more time". It must be scary for someone who has the fear of not knowing what tomorrow will bring so they live in a state of anxiety and paranoia while everyone else seems to easily and readily get going every day with no problem. At least there's something to work with, something to give a biological or chemical diagnosis towards, but what if you know there's nothing wrong with you...

You've been doing the same thing for as long as you can remember since your mother, if you've been fortunate to hear the constant persistence engrained in you, Time to get up! Get up sleepyhead! Or in my case a mother and an annoying cousin who happens to call on a Saturday morning at 11 to "remind" you that you're still in bed. Thinking about it makes me laugh inside because if you need someone to get you going just allow a family member to call "out of the blue" while you're in a sleep oasis to bring clarity to your life, or start your day off wrong in my opinion.

It's engrained. It is the way of life. Everyone else does it...your mother and father, your siblings, your friends, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your neighbors, the mailman. That's what it looks like, or so it seems. You can blame it on being sick why you don't feel like getting out of bed, which is exactly how I'm feeling right now. The difference is I'm feeling better today than I did 3 days ago but you just lay there just wanting to lie in it, your bed, and your thoughts. Then you can start giving a face to it. It's your frustration, anger, your aggravation, your lost and brokenness, and just feeling tired. There's a difference between your eyes partially closing from a long day and just feeling the kind of tired that falls upon you when you wish it would go away.

When your life is not on the right track or you find yourself questioning, why am I not where I want to be? What is the easiest way to excuse it all away? What do you tell yourself? This is what we should ask ourselves every day. What am I going to do to make it better, what am I willing to change about myself or the situation to make living my life better? It's about getting out of a place of bad and ultimately reaching a place of "better" or good. I'm not an expert otherwise I would be charging per session by now but I do think it's what we should be talking about with each other and not rotating it over and over again in our heads.

Maybe if we all listened to each other instead of wanting to "hear" only ourselves talk we can learn from what the other person is sharing and let it influence the repair of the problems in our own lives. We talk so much, expletive, we talk so damn much! If you only knew the people I know you would understand how strongly I feel about this. It's like screaming inside of a glass jar or more realistically behind a sound proof wall. The words you say just float upward or dissipate while all you hear is a never-ending tractor trailer collision and train horn steam-rolling on tracks of non-stop self-involvement. Just by experiencing these kinds of people in my life I've felt the need to personally teach myself to listen more and talk less. Unfortunately there are times I get so passionate and opinionated about a TV show, the news, or what someone has said or done that I must get it out. It could feel like a "never-ending story" but I guess you're learning about that right now with the length of this entry.

So how do you get out of that bed you're supposed to at least get eight hours of sleep in at night? Simple, just remind yourself you'll feel fatigued and experience the most annoying energy-deprived bed cramps for a good part of the day. Side note, it helps to have hot water in the shower beat down on the spot for a moment. Believe me that is another issue to turn you into Oscar the Grouch while figuring out how to change the scheme of crazy and bother in your life.

But in some unusual way if there's any possibility that my ridiculous, mundane, below sea level "average" life can make a difference with a pen full of sarcasm, silliness, and sincerely good intentions continue reading and I'll be sure to give you just that. Who knows it may give you something to smile about as you figure out your own life or give it a jump-start in knowing you're not the only one who is trying to pull their self out of the bed every day.