Doing Many Things And Completing Zip

I don't know how effective "multi-tasking" is when it wears a person out in the end. Seems like the only accomplishment that has been made is the depletion of energy of the body and soul. Should we prove that we're capable of doing so many things at once or is it better to show we can do many things, just not at the same time? I would like to say that I work my best doing one thing at a time very well and if I want to and able, will add on more. Success feels more rewarding to me when I know what I can handle and knowing when I can do more. Depending on how I'm feeling for the day I may just want to focus on one thing instead of a dozen others. We seem to cram so much in at once and we wonder why we resent what initially gave us pleasure in the first place. Just saying, what are we rushing for to complete by many deadlines at a time?!? Americans we are overworked. Adapting a new way of managing work could do us good.

Perfectly Planned

I just look at them and think, You have no idea…

For anyone who has speculated that the life of an “only child” is so spectacular and “perfect” you don’t have a clue. To directly put it, you don’t know anything about it. As a child everything was pre-made, done for me, any problem that arisen it was fixed. When you see life as an organized, readily made organic routine you don’t look to the future thinking everything will change. I hoped for change because unlike the presumed notion that all sibling-less kids are happy with everything they could possibly ask for it wasn’t enough. What child wouldn’t want to live in a home where they have both of their parents, a two-story home, three meals a day, a bed to sleep in, decent clothes to wear, (toys if younger) and nothing else to worry about??? Who wouldn’t want to be secure? It is in our nature to maintain and provide what is necessary to be comfortable and safe. It is a fundamental that we must have to function properly. What I’m frankly saying is we all need these things… It is what we add on in addition to it that becomes the misunderstanding, especially for single-children homes.

You want to call me a spoiled brat, go ahead but I will correct you and say it is wrongfully misused and insulting. Would you mind me calling you a self-righteous judgmental asshole? I’m sure you wouldn’t. Summing up an individual into a category and labeling them is exactly what is wrong in our society right now. First of all I don’t know who came up with such a title to describe single children with both parents. It implies that generally we’re all ungrateful kids who get whatever we want. Has anyone stopped to think that perhaps what is given is what the parents choose for the child to have? I guess it has never been viewed that way. It’s not necessarily whatever the child wants, but I will agree that we are much readily able to have certain things if we ask (and do all the right things parents want). I’m referring to things. I’ve escaped some situations with the protection at hand much more easily than otherwise expected. I value those unexpected holidays like Valentine’s Day or Easter when my mother would buy little gifts and create a cute basket. I’m sure many of us can possibly relate to that.  If it was my choice I would trade in all that I have for the bond and closeness that is non-existent from those that matter most. Over the years it has gotten worse and now it’s only a memory and ideal of what I want family to be.

Whether we feel we’re justified in it or not doesn’t change the fact we don’t allow ourselves to open up to learn about who someone is. There are times I’ve been proven wrong but it doesn’t change me from getting to know someone else. I am this way because I have been categorized and labeled all my youth: whether it had anything to do with my upbringing, my personality, my ability to learn, or anything else—I  can’t stand it because I know what resides in me is a character, a somebody, a whole being, that is not given a chance to be seen. We listen to what each other say about someone and we immediately form an opinion. All possibilities for seeing the true essence of him/her  is robbed because of what someone else has put in our heads. The sad part is we allow it to cloud our judgment. Every once in a while I’ll catch someone brave enough to say, “Think for yourself” and I love it because that’s what I always try to do no matter what. One of my biggest pet peeves is someone telling me what my thoughts are or telling me the decisions I’m about to make as If they’re controlling my body like a remote controlled robot. You want to know what a hell-raising bitch looks like take a trip inside my mind because it’s happening at those very moments. I’m an easy-going person, at least I’ve always believed myself to be, and I believe in you and anyone else having your own freedom. I live under this notion that if I don’t run your life then you can’t run mine. So when I come across anyone who thinks they can live my life better than me I have a problem with that…

Do you want to know the similarities between a child who has it "all" and a child who has nothing? Do you really? I know there are people reading this thinking, Give me a break! We already know the “vast” differences. But just give me a chance to explain and maybe this will shed some light and help you to view people’s circumstances a bit differently. A child who has it all may have the perfect picture life but feel completely alone. Things only tide us over, keep us occupied for a moment of pleasure, but they don’t fill the void of what you really need. What only children may miss is for others to see them for who they really are. When a child is alone with no parents, no family, no home, nada they have to rely on basic instincts to survive.  It’s about finding love and on this journey it can lead to the wrong places, bad places, bad people. Things overshadow what is really there and important. When it becomes the basis of any relationship there’s a need to go out to find what fills the emotional void. Besides an orphan or foster child having no one an only child experiences loneliness through the distance and lack of understanding from their parents when their emotional needs are not met and having no siblings to share and confide in. Having an extra body that is the bridge between parents is missing therefore the child must learn to cope and figure things out. This is not to blame because there are cases like mine whereas it would’ve been life threatening for more children to be brought into the world. This happens, this is life.

What varies according to every only child’s life is the closeness with extended family. I was unfortunate especially in my late teens, early adult years… With my mother and father’s presence in my life it was familiar and safe. I was upset by the detachment within my extended paternal and maternal family but it didn’t hurt as much as it does now since my father is no longer living. The void of him has made a difference and impact in my life especially being at home with my mother. Her work life has not changed and therefore she is just as consumed in it as she was when he was alive. Because I’m left with the knowing that he is not around and my extended family has not reached out to be comforting, supportive, and present it has affected me more than ever. My father was present at the birth of his daughter’s second son by his first marriage. He will never see the potential birth of children I bring into this world or walk me down the aisle if I ever get married. He will never know my children or meet the man I want to marry. Even though I’m almost 30 I still feel there’s something I’m missing and was left out of knowing. There is no manly-guide in my life anymore. There is nothing for me to base anything from and now I must rely on my instincts and continue asking God for guidance. Life will take a swing at you and remind you that not all good and secure things will last. This was my wake-up. I believe that the Lord is creating curbs in the road of life to change the course of our lives for the better. We all have a timeline and my father’s ended at the time it did. Mine is still going therefore the path that was once made has reverted in a different direction for something else to take place.  

I want to make this one point very clear. It doesn’t matter what you have or how you have it if you don’t have the foundation of strong family ties you have absolutely nothing. There is a void, emptiness, and hole that cannot be filled with monetary and material things. Unless you have a strong bond with friends that are a constant in your life then you’re not going to find it otherwise. When you don’t have the security of extended family and lose a parent you will definitely feel the sting of loneliness. It doesn’t matter how much your family pisses you off you must think about is it worth distancing and separating yourself. I know that what lies within my family’s history is much deeper than what saying “Sorry” can fix. The unexplainable can create a much bigger gap than what can be explained. My days are spent uncertain of tomorrow or where my future leads but I keep hope in knowing that in spirit the Lord guides me through all my challenges teaching and helping me to grow inside and out. As an only child I’ve learned to rely on a higher being when I was misunderstood, taken for granted, ignored, and mistreated. In the end it’s all we ever have, so I hope I’ve shed some light on what it means to walk a path “perfectly” alone and you can find an understanding that is most of the time misunderstood.

The Green Still Lives & Grows

I start off my story-telling series with this visual of a basket of thriving green. I'm not much of a planter or someone with a green thumb. From a young age I can recall nearly drowning a soil plot with a single seed of a sprouting bud. It was a toy from McDonalds possibly or a small gift back when kids actually had toys that gave them something to do and actually "learn". We are the last of what can be considered "innocent" because I don't know where we're going in today's society with "raising children".

But anyhow, all spring and summer hardly any growth was happening and being that I don't tend to plants as regularly I wasn't watering it like I should. Astoundingly it really started to show new growth by the end of the hot days of summer somewhere around the last couple of weeks of September. Surprisingly I hadn't noticed the progress until then and was exited by it and unsure of what will happen with the cold days upon us. If he/she decides to weather the storm will be a miracle for me. It will be a strong green to hang on through the bitter cold of Georgia's winter. If we're lucky it won't be dreadfully cold to the point it just weathers up and dies. Maybe this time I'll consider another option of  keeping it thriving with a  heater, something warm. 

You will be surprised to know this basket of soil was at one point a beautiful bouquet of white lilies, tall and kind. It was a gift out of condolence during our time of mourning in April 2007. My mother and I lost my father at 58 during one of his normal, routine days of work on a Monday. It was a gloomy, overcast day, looked like it would rain and I can't remember if it ever did. He came into my room before he went to work to tell me he was leaving. Usually I would peep out the front door hole and watch him drive down the street, turning right out of the driveway in his 1998 sporty black Honda Civic, until I couldn't see the car anymore because it turned the corner at the end of the road we lived on; but that day I stayed in bed. I didn't get up and went back to sleep. My father and I were not super close like many father daughter relationships, we argued, there was tension, it was bothersome. He got on my last nerve and we just butted heads for the realness of it all. I've always understood that when two people just can't deal with each other it is because they are so much alike its like two repelling forces. We just clashed. So the last memory I have of my father was during the start of the roughest years that lied ahead for me in my middle 20's - we were at that place of rubbing each other the wrong way and it was apparent every day including that particular day. So I stayed in bed. 

It wasn't even noon, from what I account because details were a blur from my recollection after that, and I was sitting at my new DELL 1525 Laptop with custom design magenta lid cover getting ready to figure out how to set-it up when I realized he had taken the instruction manual in his bag to work. My father was always trying to do more, frankly in my opinion because it became routine for my mom to tell him to do "Honey-Do's" or help with "something" or another. I remember the night before he was up late, as was customary of his nighttime boutness, and had my computer opened and looking it over. He wasn't like a Geek Squad techy, but he knew enough to pass relying on his techy co-workers/ work colleagues especially one he was particularly close to Lee, to aid in figuring things out. That's what I remember...the light on in the room with the tv on, sitting at the table with my laptop open figuring something out. We weren't close so at that time it annoyed me he was all engaged in my computer and I hadn't had the chance to do anything with it. That's just how it was, the life it was. 

The phone rang and I went over to the caller I.D. to see who it was and it was his work number. I answered it and this woman asked if it was me. The weirdest thing happened, I had a feeling - I "knew" something was wrong and feeling that sudden uncertain knowing fear I hung up. For some reason I had gone upstairs, we live in a two-story house, and went into that same room he was in the night before and answered the phone when it rang again.  It was the woman that worked with dad. She sounded upset and I just knew. This is where it gets very fuzzy for me...

I can't remember word for word what she said because my memory doesn't pick that up now, but in paraphrasing she told me, something happened to him... I know she was hysterical and I couldn't continue listening, not even a second longer to hear everything she had to say - just hung up in the middle of her talking. She asked if it was me and that my mother was at the hospital...two people were coming to get me to take me to the hospital to be with her. I'm not sure at this time if my mother had tried to reach me to tell me what was going on but I'm sure she did through tears and extreme emotion. Too much was going on. I got dressed and not that long came a knock at the door. It was a medium-height and frame white man with curly brown hair dad worked with and a woman who also worked with him sitting in the passenger seat of his jeep. I just get in and all this random small talk between long intervals starts happening in unsettling quietness. No one told me what the case was, what really happened.
I was left in the dark with bits of information without really being told anything - riding in the car downtown. I caught the man glancing back and forth at me through the rear view as if he was trying to read me. It annoyed me. My emotions were probably unreadable, it was a solemn moment in time. I looked out the window not sure what to think or what I would find when we got to the hospital.

They dropped me off at the entrance and I was met outside by another woman, my father's boss I think, unsure. She led me into the sanctuary to my mother very upset with a tear stained face being consoled by who was probably my dad's boss. It was so strange I just went along with the motions still unknowing of what was going on. My mother was relieved to see me and found some composure with me being there. I think she asked me if I was told what happened and I told her no, or it was about dad. It still didn't hit me when the chaplain came into the room. He said a prayer and we all bowed our heads... I guess in my mind I thought my father was not well or fighting something and we were praying for his recovery. Mom and I went back to the room where he was in a hospital gown lying on the bed with the sheets pulled up with the monitor going and tubes coming out of his nose. Mom stood there rubbing his gray hair (my father had premature gray hair), emotional. I just saw him lying there unsure of everything. I didn't want to touch him knowing what I was possibly looking at and didn't want to feel the cold. There was dried blood under his nostrils and it made me wonder. That's all I could think about, what happened? Why is there dried blood under his nose? Those questions were not answered with certainty since no one seemed to know what actually happened. My father kept to himself and my mother usually referred to him as a "loner", the story on this will be in another entry. He didn't sleep well at night, having nightmares, and staying up late most of the time falling asleep in the same room I've mentioned at the beginning. He worked in an environmental firm as the scheduling manager and on occasion would fall asleep at his computer in his office space. With it being an open space with windows it was easy for anyone to walk by and notice everything.
This Monday he was found lying on the floor. Even though he was given CPR to resuscitate him it didn't work... no one knows how long he was unconscious. I keep thinking 15 minutes, my memory keeps showing this number, but unsure. We, my mother and I believe that he hit his head on the table and it knocked him out, but I feel that is only part of the conclusion. Something else happened but the autopsy results showed nothing was wrong. He died of natural causes.   

My father had just got a new pace maker since the last one was not at its best anymore. A smoker for as long as I can remember growing up. I remember him having the procedure done the actual day of Halloween 2006. There were no problems with his heart to cause what happened. So we were left with knowing that there was no cause of his passing except it was his time to go. And it's so weird reflecting on this because I remember when I was still taking classes, at Bauder college downtown in Atlanta, and a Sunday before returning back to the apartment him asking me, "If anything was to happen to him would me and my mother be okay". He was a worrier, and I told him confidently everything would be fine and I meant that. I felt that with my mother's strong, take-charge, handling everything ways with my independent and go-getter ways there was nothing that could break us. I was also saying it "matter-of-factly" with no inkling that something was awry or the future would hold this change in life's dynamic. The sad part is in my mind I could actually believe we would be okay without him, assured we would be fine. It's something you don't want or need to experience to find out. There is no one in your life that you can do without or be okay without. My father and I did not have the best or closest relationship but with him not being here it has changed so much of our lives. We were already 3 in a home, just us and no other family, and with him gone it created the worst strain that continually grows. I grew up feeling lonely, misunderstood, and struggled with my peer-oriented relationships, extended family relationships, and authority figures, along with my parents. The later years of my 20's have been the hardest, most challenging, miserable, and loneliest times of my life. I prayed throughout my teens that life would be better because I couldn't fathom my future being any worse than the moments I've had. So you can understand my emptiness and hopelessness to experience the 20's where you're having the time of your life while messing up and learning your way to maturity - to have advanced challenges to face.

Besides not having the strongest support system from neither side of my paternal or maternal families I realized that time was passing and I still didn't know where to go with myself. To be quite honest I'm still trying to figure that out but I am in a much better place now if I decided writing would be my purpose. The issue that lingered in the air before my father passed was the rising tension about me still being at home. My life didn't have much meaning and I didn't know who I was. I'm still learning about who I am currently right now but think about this. Imagine not having a strong relationship with your extended family especially during the loss of a parent, not having the comfort and support of close friends, no job, living at home still, and not knowing what to do next. It can feel like the bottom is about to give out, which is what eventually happened to me with my health. You're not supposed to be in your 20's with issues involving your well-being. Vitality, right? Not so, never have I experienced a single debilitating migraine, my mom used to have them when I was in middle school and early high school, until now. It took five years to experience it but never before has it been a problem. What the female body goes through during high stress is overwhelming and crazy. I think it was the hardship of experiencing loss having an internal affect I failed to believe. When we left Georgia and stayed in California to spend time with family we hadn't seen since I was 16 my body expanded like a balloon. Feminine complications set in and I was off-track for three months. It was abnormal. With everything my mother and I were still sorting out emotionally I never brought it to her attention but she was aware of how much weight I gained. Upon returning home something else was happening that was unusual. I felt light-headed like everything was spinning, especially during the night, and thankfully approved medical insurance allowed me to go to the doctor. I was able to get regulated again over time and eventually the "vertigo" episodes  ceased.... just too much was going on. But it wasn't over yet...more on the horizon lasting from October 2008 until March 2011 at a demeaning job took me for another loop in my life...

Opposite Side of the Tracks

"Dangerous & Violent Love" along with other episodes I've seen on Dr. Phil has encouraged me to start talking about a very sensitive topic that has affected me for as long as I can remember. I'm searching the internet for a specific form of abuse and what I find is the opposite of what I expect. I know personally what I've experienced is something that is extremely personal and hard to deal with even now as an adult. There are times I don't view myself as an "adult" and have to convince myself that I'm 28, not a child anymore. Even saying it can feel strange....and other times it feels fine. I've made points in status updates on Facebook and Twitter to emphasize the uniqueness in my  life compared to others (even though I don't know anyone's story other than my own) because when you feel the way I do you believe your life is "different". I'm not where I would like to be or where I would've liked to be if I had an idea of what it is that I would want to be. I know this may sound like one of the characters in Alice in Wonderland or Yoda from the Star Wars Trilogy but hopefully you're able to understand my point. LOVE has a very strange meaning in my life, that has never been the "ideal" that I wanted it to be. I say ideal because I'm believing now after years of growing up that I see things "perfectly" or "happily" and life is not that way. I want to believe there are happy times and loving people out here but my youthful timeline has presented muddled forms of everything I believed to be "right" or true.

It is best for me to start with the confession that I know for myself....I'm alone. No sympathy or pity I'm seeking when I say this, but I've learned to accept the fact that I'm alone. The peace I've obtained from learning we come into the world alone and leave not alone has helped me to manage. My growing faith and reliance on a higher being, The Divine, guides me to happier places and hope for better. Have you had days where you feel at a loss and other days you're fine? Well it can be scary at times when you don't have a handle on things. It could just be the fact there's no "control" that I have in my life presently I'm confident and happy about. It can be tough trying to stay ultimately positively when mentally and emotionally you keep drifting back to a place you don't want to think about and want to move away from.
There were plenty of disagreements...misunderstandings because let's face it I'm not easy to understand and I guess relate to. I've spent my youth having to "explain" myself and apologize for everything I did because it was always taken out of context. When I'm able to analyze myself (take a moment to think before acting or speak before talking) I realize I'm impulsive and quick to react. I've tried to slow myself down and really assess what I've heard or seen before having something to say or do about it.... and I've come to find that when I do give myself a moment I'm able to address the situation much better than anticipated. I'm feeling better and honestly quite embarrassed because I realize I could've made an ass out of myself. It really is important to try hard to put one self into another person's shoes (even if it's challenging to understand their perspective) because you find a commonality. It spares the drama and indifference that is likely to happen. So Reader I ask you to walk in my shoes as a black female living in a small little town going to a predominately white school all your years (with the exception of a few ethnic kids) and living in a neighborhood on a main road, no kids playing in the streets, people walking up and down the pathways, old neighbors, and having an extremely distant paternal and maternal family dynamic.

Some would say I lived the "charmed" life because there wasn't the piddle to post problem for me and there was no financial struggle since both matriarch and patriarch held down the fort. Life was clock-work. Work, school, weekend, and so forth. Remember being told, what you don't know won't hurt you? There's some right and wrong to that. Children don't know nor do they understand why things are the way they are. I've always been filled with many questions and as an adult its been a relief to receive answers to those questions. It didn't matter whether I liked it or not. I just wanted to know the truth. There were ALWAYS people "wondering" about what our lives were like. It was annoying. Mostly work related people but also family which made it odd. I could never understand what was so 'fascinating' or why people were so nosy but my mother's response to it taught me that they were "wrong" and low-down for it. I adopted that attitude too. As an adult I believe some people were just concerned or worried, not knowing how to really tell us. It's a tricky thing wanting to be honest with someone you know and not knowing how to begin speaking to them on a personal note without causing tension or causing defense. Sometimes I just want to not give a d*mn because I just say what's on my mind and don't like to walk around my words. But there's something about getting older that you realize you are doing a service to yourself and others when you're mindful of your words and show tact. So I'm addressing those people and then there's others who are just seedy, shady people that must be kept at bay. It's hard to tell the difference because I've been let-down and hurt by those that I believed would ride or die until the end. Hurt doesn't even seem like the appropriate word...it's more like betrayed. It's life lessons like these that mold us into the people we are. Gain a wiser more careful approach. But I understand now and that's all that matters.

There was a concern for me that people had....I didn't know why. I thought I was fine and they had no business acting as though something was wrong with me. This touchy and defensiveness I'm aware of about myself came from growing up and being the target of negativity. There's a fighter in me that came from being the victim of prejudice, bullying, and mistreatment from every direction. From the inside looking out I viewed myself as a non-threatening, harmless, quiet, shy, scared, anxious girl who didn't understand why people treated her so roughly. What I came to find was I was being treated as though I was troublesome and "bad". I couldn't be myself without there being a connection to something "wrong".
I just wanted people to like me and more importantly accept me... There was no reassurance or a place to draw strength from with my family. I was alone to walk the path and learn the hard way of dealing with the challenges and stresses of my environment. It was a battle and instead of learning quickly it turned into a slow ordeal that became unbearable and torturous. All my years in school I felt trapped and wishing to be set free. Many times writing I want to get out of here. It seemed to lag on right down to the last year in high school. Just when I thought I couldn't hang on any longer it all ended. Graduation finally arrived and it felt like a ticket to a freedom that took too long to get there. I walked away from those years thinking life would be better but there was one thing stopping me that I didn't resolve with and that was my family life. Friends come and go even though "childhood friendships" are those memories of your past that bring some wholesomeness. That was another part that never felt complete and I'll touch on that later.

LOVE...love..love... well if it means knowing you're related to people who come from the same "bloodline" as yourself then that's what I've known growing up. "Blood is thicker than water" I held close to my heart and still do. How I view it though is much different from understanding my family dynamic. Nowadays blood is thin and water is still the same, if you get my drift. Many of you come from families that you know without a doubt you can turn to in any situation and lean on when times get hard. You're so lucky, fortunate, more than you know... Truth be told milestones have never been a big hoopla. Holidays come and go. After listening to rap Artist Drake's single "Too Much" (currently on homepage http://RPRAI.com) it connected with me when he mentions his family's dynamic...it parallels my own with the "distance". If he's feeling the way I do the need to talk about it and direct it head-on helps in confronting the issue instead of pushing it under the rug or ignoring it. Which leads me into saying this, how I've come up in this generation is a far-cry from the old school generation (my parents and their parents). We're about addressing everything and leaving nothing unspoken, even taking it so far as to show acceptance towards unacceptable and profane aspects of life. In other words using the crude word f*** open-ended and playfully referring to each other as "b*tch and ho" and the list goes on. Not to confuse my mention of this as adoration or glorification per se, more so showing how us young people are turning a new leaf to what was once rejected.

What do you think of when you hear someone tell you "I love you" or actually say it yourself ? One major issue I notice is the use of it without the meaning these days. I've heard it more times than I'd care to mention but it's sickening. Love means so much to me and it should to all of us to say it when we mean it. Sporadic and sparing phone calls from those I thought "loved" me ended with I love you as if it was a closing statement, a salutation to a letter to just say. It's even more strange and uncomfortable for me to say it now than when I was a kid. It meant so much to feel a part of something bigger than myself and my shortcomings. It was a let-down and a major disappointment when all the pieces of the puzzle came together as I witnessed the deterioration of my vision of love in a family. Realizing we're not as "close" as a family should be allows me to aim for those important values when I have a family of my own one day. I don't want to hover, spoil, or smother my child or children but give them a sense of home and closeness that seemed to lack in my own. I've been blessed to have both parents and lived without concern of where we would be living the next day or if we had anything to eat. I'll forever thank God for these blessings. Saying I love you and showing love are lessons to be learned over again and every day I try to do something unselfish that gives of myself back to one or more people. I'm also on a journey to surround myself with people who embody a sense of love because I want it to absorb into my character - to be a better person than I was in my past and to not give up on it in.

So this covers inside my world and life a bit and I'll be returning with more and hopefully progressively you'll learn all sides of who I am and find some relation to your life.

SP

GET A GRIP : Ladies, IT'S TIME TO GET REAL WITH IT [Mature Audiences]

Let's stop the lies that we are telling ourselves once and for all.

It's about time I decided to get this pen to work and actually talk about some real topics.
So let's begin with the #1 topic on the tops of females and males minds. SEX

After video and video of watching the same redundancy. The same innuendo in tv shows.
The same "I wish I had the stud in high school" scenario being played out over and over again on "reality" tv. Guys chasing tail and girls chasing the fool... Doesn't it all become rather stupid?

How long can the same actions be repeated before it really sinks in that it's NOT working?
I may be viewed as an "over-thinking, imaginative, idealist" but I'll tell you one thing - having some good damn sense never hurt nobody and it sure kept my ass out of a lot of stupid, wasteful, and troublesome situations.

This is for my ladies....I'm addressing this to you because I am one of you and maybe in my "idealist" mind it can help many of us get on track to where we belong in this wack society of "female empowerment" that is questionable.

If we are truly "empowered" then why are we still chasing and not allowing ourselves to be chased? It's just simple laws of nature. The male is the hunter and we are the "unfortunate" prey, or though it seems. When you look at it from that stand-point it sounds rather hopeless and degrading. We're more than just the animal getting caught and humped to death until the hunter has had enough. We are living breathing creatures with hearts, minds, and souls. And that's the truth. We deserve to be treated with the utmost respect of THE higher order of the animal kingdom as Queens on our thrones. And we deserve nothing less than a KING to rule beside us.

When I read or learn of a female "giving up her goodies" or her lady treasures to her man without so much as a reason why it burns me up when I realize she's been hanging onto the dude for years and he still hasn't made a real commitment to her. Commitment meaning he has not suggested he wants to be with her for the long run and actually MEANS it. Not living together, or in other words "shacking up", but actually putting an actual engagement ring on her finger (putting a damn ring on it!) and professing his intentions of a future with her. That is a solid deal. There are cases where the guy is mixed up and can't get his priorities straight and slip up a time or two but for the most part if he's going to make that big commitment to you then he means business. He sees you as a future life partner, the mother of his children, and a reason for being a man with real obligations and purpose.

Let me backtrack and emphasize this once more, "When a fellow woman or young lady gives up her lady treasures to her guy without so much as a reason why and it burns me up...." Let me tell you why. I may be completely wrong but there is a gut feeling I have that tells me some of it will register. If we're going to break it down to the simple idea of "Hunter and Prey" think about what it feels like when you accomplish something that you've worked so hard to achieve. Feels empowering doesn't it? Makes you feel you've gained something valuable. You've earned your damn keep...

Well that goes for the Hunter or "the male". If a guy feels that he has earned his stripes he is going to walk around proudly and treasure his accomplishment rather than have it handed to him on a silver platter. When was the last time you felt proud of having a reward handed to you without doing a damn thing for it?!?!! I bet you didn't know what to do with or could understand why you received it in the first place. If you're feeling me on this one then you will be able to follow my rant lol.

Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with giving a lil sumthin sumthin if the mood hits. That's the whole point, both sides need to be feeling it. But when one side is just handing it over then there's something very wrong with the scenario. That person is neglecting their needs and wants, lowering themselves to an insignificant place. I know this because in my life I'm always giving to those around me and in return I've been given everything other than the same equal return. You feel like shit. You continue to do it because you hope one day someone will treasure your giving and kindness. The problem with it is you never know when that day will come so you may spend your entire life just waiting, until it's over. So for me and you it's a lesson we need to cop to quick because let's face it, we deserve a hell of a lot more.

If it's your birthday ladies then let it be YOUR birthday, not his. If you find yourself giving him all the glory of the day then you f*cked up. I just have to be very candid here.... He should be the one showering you with gifts, making you feel special, giving you a damn lap dance, and stripping for YOU lol 
When I learn that a fellow woman is doing all those things plus extra on her special day ( and let's not forget every other holiday that counts like the anniversary of your relationship, Valentine's Day, i.e.) I know that she is fighting for something. What was there in the beginning that he was readily showing and proving to her diminished and she's trying to get it back. Somewhere along the line it dwindled down and there seems to be a distance or lack in chemistry. It's not as passionate, or lustful, or hot, whatever the case may be. We all know relationships have their ups and downs. It's life. We're all human. When you get used to something you sorta lose your attention on how precious and valuable it is until the worst happens. But you don't want it to get to that point.

I'm not an expert, just giving a perspective. Maybe the relationship is hot and the case may be you both may not be as compatible as you thought you were. Maybe it's a thing where he's bored and wants to try something else. Hurts Ladies I know, but you got to understand The Hunter. We know all the tricks of the trade but we ignore them and play the dumb damsel in distress. We allow ourselves to get hurt when we know what's going on. We cry, we whine, we beg, we plead, we grovel on the damn ground, and we get stupid jealous because we let our power get away from us. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest this so if any of you feel that it doesn't work feel free to share your thoughts because this is all a discussion we all need to have together. Period.

The next damn time you decide you're going to open your legs for a guy without him so much as earning the right to enter the kingdom of heaven really think about what you're doing.... We live in a time where 12 year olds and disgustingly younger than that are losing their damn virginity, just because of all the foolishness of our time: curiosity, lack of knowledge, no parental guidance, peer pressure, sexual explicit garbage on tv, profanity and suggestive content on regular damn cable tv...
Little kids are knowing far too much before their time and are already hip to shit that used to be back in the day strictly for adults only. SEX is treated as simply as pouring a glass of juice, meaning there's no "value" involved in it's meaning anymore. Everything is so desensitized.

But let me get back to my original point, there's beauty in the chalice that lies between our legs. It forbears life and it gives us the closet feeling to God that we can feel on this physical earth. Why does it deserve to be handed over as if it's a disposal?!?? Just tell me that...why does our bodies need to be treated as objects to leave gunk and stuff into as if we are not made of better?!!!? The next time you go find love with Mr. so and so with your (O.P.P) on display remember what he's thinking of after he's had it and didn't do a thing to earn it. You may have him again for a few more times but expecting a real connection and relationship to develop is a fool's game.

I don't know about you but unless I'm horny there's not going to be a rump in the forest. Ladies, it's time to let your man know about what makes you happy too. He can want it all day and night but unless you're in the mind-set too there is no mutual interaction. There's nothing worse than being in a situation you don't want to be in with your mind not in it. Remember how orgasms work? If you're not mentally there then it's just an object going in and out of you. What good is making love if it's just that, no feeling, just allowing yourself to be used that way? You might as well hang your womanhood up on a coat rack and never look back at it again. You DESERVE more. We are Queens.

Lastly let me emphasize this point once more, if a guys knows he has you then there's no going back to where it was before when he was pursuing you. I'm sure somewhere in the male manual it's possible but it will take a hell of an effort to get back to it. Continue being chased and being the prey because the ultimate power lies in your hands. You hold the scepter and to make the decision of whether you want to invest your valuable time in him or not. This is how I see it... it takes a lot more effort to chase and pursue than it is to be the one pursued. The Hunter or the male has to deal with his ego and whether or not he will be able to handle the blows if you say no or reject him. And if he's really diggin you it's even harder. When I was younger it annoyed me when random guys came up to me throwing lines and acting goofy because I didn't understand it and I didn't understand the power I possessed. IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE GAME THEN YOU WILL FEEL LIKE "PREY" OR THE VICTIM.

If you keep him chasing you then you won't fail. Keep him on his toes. Don't have him believe he's got you wrapped around his finger and you're easy to take. There's no pride in the win. He will take what he wants, get tired of you quick, and throw your carcass back out to the wild for the vultures to pick all over it. Gruesome analogy lol but it got you thinking though, right? If you've noticed in your own relationships if not your girlfriends and the women in your family, you find yourself fighting for his attention and eventually turn into the nagging, fussy woman that you allowed yourself to become. When you look at it from the outside, like a fly on the wall, you'll see how crazy it looks. He's basically blocking you out, not hearing a damn thing you're saying, and you're just wasting your breath. He's got you whooped. He believes in his mind that he doesn't need to take the relationship to the next step, potentially marriage, because he's got everything he wants. The saying is 100% true, WHY BUY THE COW WHEN YOU CAN GET THE MILK FOR FREE. Yes, Yes, Yes and 100% Hallelujah. You ALL should be saying AMEN Sister! Why do YOU deserve to be wifey material when you've already gave all that you got? He has nothing to fight for. So he's riding the wave until you blow a gasket about when is he ever going to propose and ask you to marry him. He'll make you feel like you're overreacting and whatever other reasons he can come up with about why he hasn't done it. You don't know if he ever will and the indecisiveness of it all is deafening. 

We're learning and teaching our younger sisters and daughters to be the man's dream...to be this image, this walk, this talk, this hair, these eyes, lips, nose, legs, stomach, butt, every damn thing...
We're offering ourselves on a silver platter for their pleasure but they haven't given anything to deserve such rewards. Why are we DOING this? That's what we need to ask ourselves...WHY am I objectifying myself for a man's love and affections? I'll tell you this ladies because many of us have been subjected to this all our lives. When you grow up not understanding your real, true worth, not had anyone tell you you're worthy, special, beautiful, and all that you comprise of is valuable and should only be given to those who will respect it, then you become vulnerable to the evils of the world. You don't know what you've never understood. If your father was never in your life, left it at a certain age, died unexpectedly, abused you, molested you, or never talked to you about the world with males in it then you're missing one of the most valid, important messages of being alive on this earth as a female. I didn't have that "boy talk" with my father but I learned through observation, tried and true experiences, and learning from the women in my life about what it means to feel value and know what is valuable to me as a female and a woman. As women it is our duty to remind ourselves, each other, and our girls these things or we forfeit our own self-worth and dignity.

I don't have kids but if I ever have a daughter she will know directly from me what every part of her body should mean to her and how she should carry it. SEX is a part of life. It is life and we all need to stop acting like it's taboo with our youth. They are learning about it the wrong way that is harming and even killing them. It's our fault every time a kid gets a disease or gets pregnant super young because it could've been prevented if they received the attention and concern from us. AIDS is still a major factor whether or not there are medicines to treat it. It's still in our bodies and who deserves to live with the virus roaming in their bodies?!!? I know I'm talking about numerous things but my point is strictly just value your mind, body, and soul. A relationship should be healthy, meaningful, and trusting. When we notice our guys acting uninterested, it's not the time to start handing over our goodies, but to reevaluate the situation. If push comes to shove go back to basics - get to know each other all over again without SEX firsthand. Whatever happened to flirting, seduction, and making out? Do people even make-out anymore?!!!? I guess it gets too hot and heavy. But maybe that's the point, maybe there should be a form of sexual tension or resistance just to keep him wanting you. Give him a run for his money instead of handing it over. As long as both of you are on the same playing field then there's a chance of a future. Courtship is not dead. Kissing a lady's hand is not ancient. Opening up a door and letting a guy pull your chair out for you is not old-fashioned. It's respectable gentleman etiquette. It ain't the fact you can't do it yourself. It's allowing a man to be a man and be considerate to you because you deserve to be treated like a Queen.

 

Why Even Get Out Bed

It's an odd thing. How we're able to repeat our actions and train our subconscious to do the talking and walking for us when the rest of us is not there. "There" meaning in the present, willing to do all the things we do in a single day if we chose to do any and everything at all. But do you ever wonder how we manage to continue the same pattern of how we rise in the morning and do it again the next day? Does it help you to feel in control of something, anything, when everything else is falling apart? Or is it just the right thing to do because you've been taught to hit the alarm when it goes off and get up, straighten your bed, put on the morning coffee, and get yourself ready for another joyous or tireless day of going to that job or whatever you do in your day-to-day life.

So why get out of bed when there's no reason to get up? How do you find a reason to continue the same routine? You keep telling yourself, Today will be different. I'll make a difference today...or just "give it a go, just one more time". It must be scary for someone who has the fear of not knowing what tomorrow will bring so they live in a state of anxiety and paranoia while everyone else seems to easily and readily get going every day with no problem. At least there's something to work with, something to give a biological or chemical diagnosis towards, but what if you know there's nothing wrong with you...

You've been doing the same thing for as long as you can remember since your mother, if you've been fortunate to hear the constant persistence engrained in you, Time to get up! Get up sleepyhead! Or in my case a mother and an annoying cousin who happens to call on a Saturday morning at 11 to "remind" you that you're still in bed. Thinking about it makes me laugh inside because if you need someone to get you going just allow a family member to call "out of the blue" while you're in a sleep oasis to bring clarity to your life, or start your day off wrong in my opinion.

It's engrained. It is the way of life. Everyone else does it...your mother and father, your siblings, your friends, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your neighbors, the mailman. That's what it looks like, or so it seems. You can blame it on being sick why you don't feel like getting out of bed, which is exactly how I'm feeling right now. The difference is I'm feeling better today than I did 3 days ago but you just lay there just wanting to lie in it, your bed, and your thoughts. Then you can start giving a face to it. It's your frustration, anger, your aggravation, your lost and brokenness, and just feeling tired. There's a difference between your eyes partially closing from a long day and just feeling the kind of tired that falls upon you when you wish it would go away.

When your life is not on the right track or you find yourself questioning, why am I not where I want to be? What is the easiest way to excuse it all away? What do you tell yourself? This is what we should ask ourselves every day. What am I going to do to make it better, what am I willing to change about myself or the situation to make living my life better? It's about getting out of a place of bad and ultimately reaching a place of "better" or good. I'm not an expert otherwise I would be charging per session by now but I do think it's what we should be talking about with each other and not rotating it over and over again in our heads.

Maybe if we all listened to each other instead of wanting to "hear" only ourselves talk we can learn from what the other person is sharing and let it influence the repair of the problems in our own lives. We talk so much, expletive, we talk so damn much! If you only knew the people I know you would understand how strongly I feel about this. It's like screaming inside of a glass jar or more realistically behind a sound proof wall. The words you say just float upward or dissipate while all you hear is a never-ending tractor trailer collision and train horn steam-rolling on tracks of non-stop self-involvement. Just by experiencing these kinds of people in my life I've felt the need to personally teach myself to listen more and talk less. Unfortunately there are times I get so passionate and opinionated about a TV show, the news, or what someone has said or done that I must get it out. It could feel like a "never-ending story" but I guess you're learning about that right now with the length of this entry.

So how do you get out of that bed you're supposed to at least get eight hours of sleep in at night? Simple, just remind yourself you'll feel fatigued and experience the most annoying energy-deprived bed cramps for a good part of the day. Side note, it helps to have hot water in the shower beat down on the spot for a moment. Believe me that is another issue to turn you into Oscar the Grouch while figuring out how to change the scheme of crazy and bother in your life.

But in some unusual way if there's any possibility that my ridiculous, mundane, below sea level "average" life can make a difference with a pen full of sarcasm, silliness, and sincerely good intentions continue reading and I'll be sure to give you just that. Who knows it may give you something to smile about as you figure out your own life or give it a jump-start in knowing you're not the only one who is trying to pull their self out of the bed every day.

Celebrity Combo

Jenny McCarthy, Donnie Wahlberg Are Dating: Pair Spends Fourth of July Together

Read more: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/jenny-mccarthy-donnie-wahlberg-are-dating-pair-spends-fourth-of-july-together-2013127#ixzz2ZLbYSv4k

Now this is an unexpected couple! When I heard Jenny McCarthy was going to be the next co-host on the The Vew Monday (after Barbara Walters stated there will be no one taking Elizabeth Hasselbeck's place for awhile and they haven't decided on the next person in line) I wondered how that was going to work out. Jenny actually holds her own the many times I've seen her as a guest. I'm just not digging that raunchy ex-playboy mate persona she has. To be honest I've never cared much for her because of that because I guess in my mind I viewed her as skank and not a woman of intelligence, conversation, and smarts. Learning about her son with autism and how proactive she is in making it a priority in society to bring attention to autism I've been able to view her much differently. Still on her late night show on VH1 it brought back the over-the-top raunchy that turned me off about her. I only watched 1 episode to see what it was all about, not my thing. It was the episode with rap Artist Eve and Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger. Too "tell-all" for me. To see that she's been dating NKOTB member Donnie Wahlberg intrigues me a bit because it may actually be a good match! I wonder how it became official and both of them have kids from previous relationships so they're accustomed to the ways of wedding bells if they decided to go further. On the View on the topic of Autism her and Sherri Shepherd may have something in common and build a bond, who knows. I know Sherri misses Elizabeth and I'm still surprised to this day how on her last day she wasn't there. I would've thought she would've been there for her girl's last day...strange.

Drugs & Alcohol Wiping Out Today's Generation

Cory Monteith's Tragic Death: "Everyone Is in Shock"

Read more: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/cory-monteiths-tragic-death-everyone-is-in-shock-2013147#ixzz2ZL9wpCPr

After finding out he overdosed on Heroine and Alcohol it's sad to me...

When I think about people who struggle with addictions like this it pains me to think they may never find peace past it. It lingers. It's suppressed but it lingers and only people who have been through it know. It's a lifetime battle and to be so young dealing with it is terribly sad. This speaks to my entire generation. We're all falling a part. There's so many evils out here and many of us are lost, broken, confused, and don''t know what we're here for. Our purpose on this earth and if many of us had positive role models and the mentorship we needed we wouldn't fall prey to these harsh realities of life. In Cory's case he was dealing with the divorce of his parents and struggles as a kid growing up. How we learn to manage the hardships in our lives makes a big difference in how we live our lives. If we don't have an outlet then we go straight to the worst things. People may just be mourning and completely upset but the reaction I've noticed has been very mild and disconnected. I'm surprised by the lack of emotion I've seen in the face of his untimely passing. He was a GLEE star. Leading stars no one could mistaken and I know there were thousands of fans of that show. Maybe in Hollywood they knew he had an addiction and just left it at that. Nothing they could do or didn't try to do for this young man. He left this earth at his youthful prime and if he was a silly, fun, sweet guy he's in the best place with our Lord until we see him again. I personally thought he was cute and seeing him talk these past few days I feel like he could've been someone I would've liked and wanted to be around. It's such a waste. We need to care about each other and really push for each other when we're battling the worst. Society is pulling away from each other. We can't do that and expect to continue life on this planet.