Perfectly Planned

I just look at them and think, You have no idea…

For anyone who has speculated that the life of an “only child” is so spectacular and “perfect” you don’t have a clue. To directly put it, you don’t know anything about it. As a child everything was pre-made, done for me, any problem that arisen it was fixed. When you see life as an organized, readily made organic routine you don’t look to the future thinking everything will change. I hoped for change because unlike the presumed notion that all sibling-less kids are happy with everything they could possibly ask for it wasn’t enough. What child wouldn’t want to live in a home where they have both of their parents, a two-story home, three meals a day, a bed to sleep in, decent clothes to wear, (toys if younger) and nothing else to worry about??? Who wouldn’t want to be secure? It is in our nature to maintain and provide what is necessary to be comfortable and safe. It is a fundamental that we must have to function properly. What I’m frankly saying is we all need these things… It is what we add on in addition to it that becomes the misunderstanding, especially for single-children homes.

You want to call me a spoiled brat, go ahead but I will correct you and say it is wrongfully misused and insulting. Would you mind me calling you a self-righteous judgmental asshole? I’m sure you wouldn’t. Summing up an individual into a category and labeling them is exactly what is wrong in our society right now. First of all I don’t know who came up with such a title to describe single children with both parents. It implies that generally we’re all ungrateful kids who get whatever we want. Has anyone stopped to think that perhaps what is given is what the parents choose for the child to have? I guess it has never been viewed that way. It’s not necessarily whatever the child wants, but I will agree that we are much readily able to have certain things if we ask (and do all the right things parents want). I’m referring to things. I’ve escaped some situations with the protection at hand much more easily than otherwise expected. I value those unexpected holidays like Valentine’s Day or Easter when my mother would buy little gifts and create a cute basket. I’m sure many of us can possibly relate to that.  If it was my choice I would trade in all that I have for the bond and closeness that is non-existent from those that matter most. Over the years it has gotten worse and now it’s only a memory and ideal of what I want family to be.

Whether we feel we’re justified in it or not doesn’t change the fact we don’t allow ourselves to open up to learn about who someone is. There are times I’ve been proven wrong but it doesn’t change me from getting to know someone else. I am this way because I have been categorized and labeled all my youth: whether it had anything to do with my upbringing, my personality, my ability to learn, or anything else—I  can’t stand it because I know what resides in me is a character, a somebody, a whole being, that is not given a chance to be seen. We listen to what each other say about someone and we immediately form an opinion. All possibilities for seeing the true essence of him/her  is robbed because of what someone else has put in our heads. The sad part is we allow it to cloud our judgment. Every once in a while I’ll catch someone brave enough to say, “Think for yourself” and I love it because that’s what I always try to do no matter what. One of my biggest pet peeves is someone telling me what my thoughts are or telling me the decisions I’m about to make as If they’re controlling my body like a remote controlled robot. You want to know what a hell-raising bitch looks like take a trip inside my mind because it’s happening at those very moments. I’m an easy-going person, at least I’ve always believed myself to be, and I believe in you and anyone else having your own freedom. I live under this notion that if I don’t run your life then you can’t run mine. So when I come across anyone who thinks they can live my life better than me I have a problem with that…

Do you want to know the similarities between a child who has it "all" and a child who has nothing? Do you really? I know there are people reading this thinking, Give me a break! We already know the “vast” differences. But just give me a chance to explain and maybe this will shed some light and help you to view people’s circumstances a bit differently. A child who has it all may have the perfect picture life but feel completely alone. Things only tide us over, keep us occupied for a moment of pleasure, but they don’t fill the void of what you really need. What only children may miss is for others to see them for who they really are. When a child is alone with no parents, no family, no home, nada they have to rely on basic instincts to survive.  It’s about finding love and on this journey it can lead to the wrong places, bad places, bad people. Things overshadow what is really there and important. When it becomes the basis of any relationship there’s a need to go out to find what fills the emotional void. Besides an orphan or foster child having no one an only child experiences loneliness through the distance and lack of understanding from their parents when their emotional needs are not met and having no siblings to share and confide in. Having an extra body that is the bridge between parents is missing therefore the child must learn to cope and figure things out. This is not to blame because there are cases like mine whereas it would’ve been life threatening for more children to be brought into the world. This happens, this is life.

What varies according to every only child’s life is the closeness with extended family. I was unfortunate especially in my late teens, early adult years… With my mother and father’s presence in my life it was familiar and safe. I was upset by the detachment within my extended paternal and maternal family but it didn’t hurt as much as it does now since my father is no longer living. The void of him has made a difference and impact in my life especially being at home with my mother. Her work life has not changed and therefore she is just as consumed in it as she was when he was alive. Because I’m left with the knowing that he is not around and my extended family has not reached out to be comforting, supportive, and present it has affected me more than ever. My father was present at the birth of his daughter’s second son by his first marriage. He will never see the potential birth of children I bring into this world or walk me down the aisle if I ever get married. He will never know my children or meet the man I want to marry. Even though I’m almost 30 I still feel there’s something I’m missing and was left out of knowing. There is no manly-guide in my life anymore. There is nothing for me to base anything from and now I must rely on my instincts and continue asking God for guidance. Life will take a swing at you and remind you that not all good and secure things will last. This was my wake-up. I believe that the Lord is creating curbs in the road of life to change the course of our lives for the better. We all have a timeline and my father’s ended at the time it did. Mine is still going therefore the path that was once made has reverted in a different direction for something else to take place.  

I want to make this one point very clear. It doesn’t matter what you have or how you have it if you don’t have the foundation of strong family ties you have absolutely nothing. There is a void, emptiness, and hole that cannot be filled with monetary and material things. Unless you have a strong bond with friends that are a constant in your life then you’re not going to find it otherwise. When you don’t have the security of extended family and lose a parent you will definitely feel the sting of loneliness. It doesn’t matter how much your family pisses you off you must think about is it worth distancing and separating yourself. I know that what lies within my family’s history is much deeper than what saying “Sorry” can fix. The unexplainable can create a much bigger gap than what can be explained. My days are spent uncertain of tomorrow or where my future leads but I keep hope in knowing that in spirit the Lord guides me through all my challenges teaching and helping me to grow inside and out. As an only child I’ve learned to rely on a higher being when I was misunderstood, taken for granted, ignored, and mistreated. In the end it’s all we ever have, so I hope I’ve shed some light on what it means to walk a path “perfectly” alone and you can find an understanding that is most of the time misunderstood.