"Dangerous & Violent Love" along with other episodes I've seen on Dr. Phil has encouraged me to start talking about a very sensitive topic that has affected me for as long as I can remember. I'm searching the internet for a specific form of abuse and what I find is the opposite of what I expect. I know personally what I've experienced is something that is extremely personal and hard to deal with even now as an adult. There are times I don't view myself as an "adult" and have to convince myself that I'm 28, not a child anymore. Even saying it can feel strange....and other times it feels fine. I've made points in status updates on Facebook and Twitter to emphasize the uniqueness in my life compared to others (even though I don't know anyone's story other than my own) because when you feel the way I do you believe your life is "different". I'm not where I would like to be or where I would've liked to be if I had an idea of what it is that I would want to be. I know this may sound like one of the characters in Alice in Wonderland or Yoda from the Star Wars Trilogy but hopefully you're able to understand my point. LOVE has a very strange meaning in my life, that has never been the "ideal" that I wanted it to be. I say ideal because I'm believing now after years of growing up that I see things "perfectly" or "happily" and life is not that way. I want to believe there are happy times and loving people out here but my youthful timeline has presented muddled forms of everything I believed to be "right" or true.
It is best for me to start with the confession that I know for myself....I'm alone. No sympathy or pity I'm seeking when I say this, but I've learned to accept the fact that I'm alone. The peace I've obtained from learning we come into the world alone and leave not alone has helped me to manage. My growing faith and reliance on a higher being, The Divine, guides me to happier places and hope for better. Have you had days where you feel at a loss and other days you're fine? Well it can be scary at times when you don't have a handle on things. It could just be the fact there's no "control" that I have in my life presently I'm confident and happy about. It can be tough trying to stay ultimately positively when mentally and emotionally you keep drifting back to a place you don't want to think about and want to move away from.
There were plenty of disagreements...misunderstandings because let's face it I'm not easy to understand and I guess relate to. I've spent my youth having to "explain" myself and apologize for everything I did because it was always taken out of context. When I'm able to analyze myself (take a moment to think before acting or speak before talking) I realize I'm impulsive and quick to react. I've tried to slow myself down and really assess what I've heard or seen before having something to say or do about it.... and I've come to find that when I do give myself a moment I'm able to address the situation much better than anticipated. I'm feeling better and honestly quite embarrassed because I realize I could've made an ass out of myself. It really is important to try hard to put one self into another person's shoes (even if it's challenging to understand their perspective) because you find a commonality. It spares the drama and indifference that is likely to happen. So Reader I ask you to walk in my shoes as a black female living in a small little town going to a predominately white school all your years (with the exception of a few ethnic kids) and living in a neighborhood on a main road, no kids playing in the streets, people walking up and down the pathways, old neighbors, and having an extremely distant paternal and maternal family dynamic.
Some would say I lived the "charmed" life because there wasn't the piddle to post problem for me and there was no financial struggle since both matriarch and patriarch held down the fort. Life was clock-work. Work, school, weekend, and so forth. Remember being told, what you don't know won't hurt you? There's some right and wrong to that. Children don't know nor do they understand why things are the way they are. I've always been filled with many questions and as an adult its been a relief to receive answers to those questions. It didn't matter whether I liked it or not. I just wanted to know the truth. There were ALWAYS people "wondering" about what our lives were like. It was annoying. Mostly work related people but also family which made it odd. I could never understand what was so 'fascinating' or why people were so nosy but my mother's response to it taught me that they were "wrong" and low-down for it. I adopted that attitude too. As an adult I believe some people were just concerned or worried, not knowing how to really tell us. It's a tricky thing wanting to be honest with someone you know and not knowing how to begin speaking to them on a personal note without causing tension or causing defense. Sometimes I just want to not give a d*mn because I just say what's on my mind and don't like to walk around my words. But there's something about getting older that you realize you are doing a service to yourself and others when you're mindful of your words and show tact. So I'm addressing those people and then there's others who are just seedy, shady people that must be kept at bay. It's hard to tell the difference because I've been let-down and hurt by those that I believed would ride or die until the end. Hurt doesn't even seem like the appropriate word...it's more like betrayed. It's life lessons like these that mold us into the people we are. Gain a wiser more careful approach. But I understand now and that's all that matters.
There was a concern for me that people had....I didn't know why. I thought I was fine and they had no business acting as though something was wrong with me. This touchy and defensiveness I'm aware of about myself came from growing up and being the target of negativity. There's a fighter in me that came from being the victim of prejudice, bullying, and mistreatment from every direction. From the inside looking out I viewed myself as a non-threatening, harmless, quiet, shy, scared, anxious girl who didn't understand why people treated her so roughly. What I came to find was I was being treated as though I was troublesome and "bad". I couldn't be myself without there being a connection to something "wrong".
I just wanted people to like me and more importantly accept me... There was no reassurance or a place to draw strength from with my family. I was alone to walk the path and learn the hard way of dealing with the challenges and stresses of my environment. It was a battle and instead of learning quickly it turned into a slow ordeal that became unbearable and torturous. All my years in school I felt trapped and wishing to be set free. Many times writing I want to get out of here. It seemed to lag on right down to the last year in high school. Just when I thought I couldn't hang on any longer it all ended. Graduation finally arrived and it felt like a ticket to a freedom that took too long to get there. I walked away from those years thinking life would be better but there was one thing stopping me that I didn't resolve with and that was my family life. Friends come and go even though "childhood friendships" are those memories of your past that bring some wholesomeness. That was another part that never felt complete and I'll touch on that later.
LOVE...love..love... well if it means knowing you're related to people who come from the same "bloodline" as yourself then that's what I've known growing up. "Blood is thicker than water" I held close to my heart and still do. How I view it though is much different from understanding my family dynamic. Nowadays blood is thin and water is still the same, if you get my drift. Many of you come from families that you know without a doubt you can turn to in any situation and lean on when times get hard. You're so lucky, fortunate, more than you know... Truth be told milestones have never been a big hoopla. Holidays come and go. After listening to rap Artist Drake's single "Too Much" (currently on homepage http://RPRAI.com) it connected with me when he mentions his family's dynamic...it parallels my own with the "distance". If he's feeling the way I do the need to talk about it and direct it head-on helps in confronting the issue instead of pushing it under the rug or ignoring it. Which leads me into saying this, how I've come up in this generation is a far-cry from the old school generation (my parents and their parents). We're about addressing everything and leaving nothing unspoken, even taking it so far as to show acceptance towards unacceptable and profane aspects of life. In other words using the crude word f*** open-ended and playfully referring to each other as "b*tch and ho" and the list goes on. Not to confuse my mention of this as adoration or glorification per se, more so showing how us young people are turning a new leaf to what was once rejected.
What do you think of when you hear someone tell you "I love you" or actually say it yourself ? One major issue I notice is the use of it without the meaning these days. I've heard it more times than I'd care to mention but it's sickening. Love means so much to me and it should to all of us to say it when we mean it. Sporadic and sparing phone calls from those I thought "loved" me ended with I love you as if it was a closing statement, a salutation to a letter to just say. It's even more strange and uncomfortable for me to say it now than when I was a kid. It meant so much to feel a part of something bigger than myself and my shortcomings. It was a let-down and a major disappointment when all the pieces of the puzzle came together as I witnessed the deterioration of my vision of love in a family. Realizing we're not as "close" as a family should be allows me to aim for those important values when I have a family of my own one day. I don't want to hover, spoil, or smother my child or children but give them a sense of home and closeness that seemed to lack in my own. I've been blessed to have both parents and lived without concern of where we would be living the next day or if we had anything to eat. I'll forever thank God for these blessings. Saying I love you and showing love are lessons to be learned over again and every day I try to do something unselfish that gives of myself back to one or more people. I'm also on a journey to surround myself with people who embody a sense of love because I want it to absorb into my character - to be a better person than I was in my past and to not give up on it in.
So this covers inside my world and life a bit and I'll be returning with more and hopefully progressively you'll learn all sides of who I am and find some relation to your life.
SP
It is best for me to start with the confession that I know for myself....I'm alone. No sympathy or pity I'm seeking when I say this, but I've learned to accept the fact that I'm alone. The peace I've obtained from learning we come into the world alone and leave not alone has helped me to manage. My growing faith and reliance on a higher being, The Divine, guides me to happier places and hope for better. Have you had days where you feel at a loss and other days you're fine? Well it can be scary at times when you don't have a handle on things. It could just be the fact there's no "control" that I have in my life presently I'm confident and happy about. It can be tough trying to stay ultimately positively when mentally and emotionally you keep drifting back to a place you don't want to think about and want to move away from.
There were plenty of disagreements...misunderstandings because let's face it I'm not easy to understand and I guess relate to. I've spent my youth having to "explain" myself and apologize for everything I did because it was always taken out of context. When I'm able to analyze myself (take a moment to think before acting or speak before talking) I realize I'm impulsive and quick to react. I've tried to slow myself down and really assess what I've heard or seen before having something to say or do about it.... and I've come to find that when I do give myself a moment I'm able to address the situation much better than anticipated. I'm feeling better and honestly quite embarrassed because I realize I could've made an ass out of myself. It really is important to try hard to put one self into another person's shoes (even if it's challenging to understand their perspective) because you find a commonality. It spares the drama and indifference that is likely to happen. So Reader I ask you to walk in my shoes as a black female living in a small little town going to a predominately white school all your years (with the exception of a few ethnic kids) and living in a neighborhood on a main road, no kids playing in the streets, people walking up and down the pathways, old neighbors, and having an extremely distant paternal and maternal family dynamic.
Some would say I lived the "charmed" life because there wasn't the piddle to post problem for me and there was no financial struggle since both matriarch and patriarch held down the fort. Life was clock-work. Work, school, weekend, and so forth. Remember being told, what you don't know won't hurt you? There's some right and wrong to that. Children don't know nor do they understand why things are the way they are. I've always been filled with many questions and as an adult its been a relief to receive answers to those questions. It didn't matter whether I liked it or not. I just wanted to know the truth. There were ALWAYS people "wondering" about what our lives were like. It was annoying. Mostly work related people but also family which made it odd. I could never understand what was so 'fascinating' or why people were so nosy but my mother's response to it taught me that they were "wrong" and low-down for it. I adopted that attitude too. As an adult I believe some people were just concerned or worried, not knowing how to really tell us. It's a tricky thing wanting to be honest with someone you know and not knowing how to begin speaking to them on a personal note without causing tension or causing defense. Sometimes I just want to not give a d*mn because I just say what's on my mind and don't like to walk around my words. But there's something about getting older that you realize you are doing a service to yourself and others when you're mindful of your words and show tact. So I'm addressing those people and then there's others who are just seedy, shady people that must be kept at bay. It's hard to tell the difference because I've been let-down and hurt by those that I believed would ride or die until the end. Hurt doesn't even seem like the appropriate word...it's more like betrayed. It's life lessons like these that mold us into the people we are. Gain a wiser more careful approach. But I understand now and that's all that matters.
There was a concern for me that people had....I didn't know why. I thought I was fine and they had no business acting as though something was wrong with me. This touchy and defensiveness I'm aware of about myself came from growing up and being the target of negativity. There's a fighter in me that came from being the victim of prejudice, bullying, and mistreatment from every direction. From the inside looking out I viewed myself as a non-threatening, harmless, quiet, shy, scared, anxious girl who didn't understand why people treated her so roughly. What I came to find was I was being treated as though I was troublesome and "bad". I couldn't be myself without there being a connection to something "wrong".
I just wanted people to like me and more importantly accept me... There was no reassurance or a place to draw strength from with my family. I was alone to walk the path and learn the hard way of dealing with the challenges and stresses of my environment. It was a battle and instead of learning quickly it turned into a slow ordeal that became unbearable and torturous. All my years in school I felt trapped and wishing to be set free. Many times writing I want to get out of here. It seemed to lag on right down to the last year in high school. Just when I thought I couldn't hang on any longer it all ended. Graduation finally arrived and it felt like a ticket to a freedom that took too long to get there. I walked away from those years thinking life would be better but there was one thing stopping me that I didn't resolve with and that was my family life. Friends come and go even though "childhood friendships" are those memories of your past that bring some wholesomeness. That was another part that never felt complete and I'll touch on that later.
LOVE...love..love... well if it means knowing you're related to people who come from the same "bloodline" as yourself then that's what I've known growing up. "Blood is thicker than water" I held close to my heart and still do. How I view it though is much different from understanding my family dynamic. Nowadays blood is thin and water is still the same, if you get my drift. Many of you come from families that you know without a doubt you can turn to in any situation and lean on when times get hard. You're so lucky, fortunate, more than you know... Truth be told milestones have never been a big hoopla. Holidays come and go. After listening to rap Artist Drake's single "Too Much" (currently on homepage http://RPRAI.com) it connected with me when he mentions his family's dynamic...it parallels my own with the "distance". If he's feeling the way I do the need to talk about it and direct it head-on helps in confronting the issue instead of pushing it under the rug or ignoring it. Which leads me into saying this, how I've come up in this generation is a far-cry from the old school generation (my parents and their parents). We're about addressing everything and leaving nothing unspoken, even taking it so far as to show acceptance towards unacceptable and profane aspects of life. In other words using the crude word f*** open-ended and playfully referring to each other as "b*tch and ho" and the list goes on. Not to confuse my mention of this as adoration or glorification per se, more so showing how us young people are turning a new leaf to what was once rejected.
What do you think of when you hear someone tell you "I love you" or actually say it yourself ? One major issue I notice is the use of it without the meaning these days. I've heard it more times than I'd care to mention but it's sickening. Love means so much to me and it should to all of us to say it when we mean it. Sporadic and sparing phone calls from those I thought "loved" me ended with I love you as if it was a closing statement, a salutation to a letter to just say. It's even more strange and uncomfortable for me to say it now than when I was a kid. It meant so much to feel a part of something bigger than myself and my shortcomings. It was a let-down and a major disappointment when all the pieces of the puzzle came together as I witnessed the deterioration of my vision of love in a family. Realizing we're not as "close" as a family should be allows me to aim for those important values when I have a family of my own one day. I don't want to hover, spoil, or smother my child or children but give them a sense of home and closeness that seemed to lack in my own. I've been blessed to have both parents and lived without concern of where we would be living the next day or if we had anything to eat. I'll forever thank God for these blessings. Saying I love you and showing love are lessons to be learned over again and every day I try to do something unselfish that gives of myself back to one or more people. I'm also on a journey to surround myself with people who embody a sense of love because I want it to absorb into my character - to be a better person than I was in my past and to not give up on it in.
So this covers inside my world and life a bit and I'll be returning with more and hopefully progressively you'll learn all sides of who I am and find some relation to your life.
SP
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