There Is No Place For You With Love. Her Story Has To Be Told. Listen To Her.

There are no words to describe someone who cannot be happy for you. Who says the closest people in your life cannot be the meanest, cruelest, most unforgiving, and unrelenting. Every day you wake up to realize you have been living with the same person who can't even say Good Morning or Good Night to you the night before, unless you said it. Has a problem with wherever you are and complains about your presence in every space you share with them. Gets defensive and combative often when you question anything they say to you or when you inquire about them. This hidden, secretive, untrustworthy side to them you know exists but they deny it. This person cannot admit to it. Telling all their private behaviors will expose them. 

But you know. You can't help but to know after many years of living with them. They reject the notion you know anything about them. I guess it makes sense. Do they know anything about you? Yes and No. Know enough to criticize, condemn, demean. Know enough to use it against you if necessary. But never to expose them. They are flawless, never wrong, and not weak. To show it is to be less than, rather than above. It is their personal strength to stand over others and feel powerful and strong. Knowing they have control over everyone and everything. No, exposing themselves will be disastrous! No longer have power. Can't move in the shadows and do what they want without you knowing. Can't lie knowing you don't even know the truth. Telling you what they want you to know and get away with deceit.  

No. they don't know you. They know what they need to find ways to use you. You don't matter. You don't exist. No pay, just labor. Use you to run around and make life easy for them. Anytime you come around they entertain anything you say to them but are waiting you to finish to tell you to do something. Did you hear me? Did you hear a word I said? In your mind, scared to speak out loud for fear of what they will do. The temperament is instant and raging. The mouth is reckless and ruthless. It tears away at your innards and depraves your soul. Words cut like knives. The hatefulness in every word. Do you even care about me? Do you even love me? Scariest thought to think. The fear in the idea. Who will love me if you don't? Loving myself is not enough. I have nowhere to go. No one to confide in to care about me. I am alone. You taught me "Love doesn't exist in this home". You are born to serve me. To make sure I am content. Nothing else do I want or need of you. Your existence is only for me to use at my will. No one is going to love you but me.

How do I view my life? Who am I? What is My Worth? Sleeping Beauty in the castle with the dragon below. Who will save her? Where is her Prince? Cinderella in her home. Tending to the cinders by the fireplace with ashes on her clothes and body. Standing over the sink filled with water and soap. Day and Night cleaning the silverware. Washing the dishes. Singing over the sink words that sometimes makes sense and other times don't. 13 years. 11 years just the 2 of us. Just the 2 of us. The Mighty Pair. Everything to convince me we are a team "we". What I lie. We means "me". We means "you" do this for me. There never was a team. No duo. No partnership. Nothing. Born into this world as Nothing to you. 

Left me to figure it out when I needed you the most. Stayed away from me when I waited for you. Waited for you to love me. Waited for you to care about me. Waited for you to change. Wasted years. Wasting my time. My Youth gone. The days of carefree, hope & wonder, excitement for what lies ahead-The Future, is gone. You crushed my dreams. Confusing my aspirations with your own. Expecting me to be You. Living my life like it is yours. Never fully accepting I Am Not You. Never Been You & Never Will Be, You. To Be Anyone But You Is A Disgrace. It Is Shameful. You Turn The Other Way. You break me down and shatter my soul. Leaving me there to perish and die. Sometimes you "care" and other times not. Broke me down with your hatred and left me there shattered and broken.

Look All Around. What Do I See? The World Staring Back At Me Serenely. The Image of Perfection. The False Perception of Happiness & Joy. It Looks Sweet. Joyful. Beautiful. Loving. But it's not. How do I know? Not at first. Took time. I can't bear listening to anyone tell me "it's not what it seems". It has to be better than not ever feeling loved. Loved for being who you are. The good and the bad. Young girl- Who told you they loved you? No one. Who meant it when they said it? No one. What does it mean to you when someone says, "Love You". It is just words. There are no meaning. Are you Unhappy? Yes. Do you mask your unhappiness with blocking out your pain? Yes. Do you feel Blessed for having the resilience to pick yourself up, smile, laugh, and dance? Yes. Without it I would not be here. How I lived this long is a miracle. This young girl is now a woman. Young but not as young as twenty. Learned a lot and grew a lot. She Still Feels Stuck. Held Back. Held Down. Chained. To The Past That Won't Let Her Go. She Still Has To Tell Her Story. She Still Has To Live Her Life. 

She Is Living Her Life And She Needs To Talk About It. You Need To Listen To Her.