Adulthood...already?!?
Where did time go, or in my case where did my time go???
Today triggered these thoughts after a job interview for another part-time position (to make ends meet since the past few were not secure in longevity). I know my age, even more so that I'm still job hunting with the same position in mind -part-time. It may be questionable to these interviewers why someone who is on the brink of turning thirty, not in a higher position or seeking more than a position that high schoolers run after for chunk change (with the security of mommy and daddy taking care of them at home, oh those were the days!) I guess in the back of my mind I'm hoping for my life to change so a window of hope or "never-may come" hope opens to blow me out with the wind to wonderful possibilities. It could just be unreasonable optimism -perhaps it is. But to avoid sounding too woe as me and broken-down I continue to maintain a sense of hope for my future I'm still quite uncertain and honestly lost in.
What I've come to find, despite how redundant the process of retail interviews or job interviews are in general, is that I may be an adult now and almost thirty but I'm still trying to find balance in my life and comfort in myself. I've come so far from where I used to be, but the battle of maintaining the confidence is much harder when there are constant reminders of how others are perceiving you -family maybe even friends and those you must interact with outside of your home for one reason or another. It shouldn't matter at all what the next-door neighbor thinks or a random stranger in public (who you may never see again) but I'll share what makes these unimportant people 'matter' and it's not what you expect. When there are voices in your ears influencing every move and decision you make in life making you feel at a loss you can't help but to internalize "what the world thinks of me". I honestly don't want to spend my days caring because what I hold myself to: Giving back to humanity, showing the best sides of myself, finding my own happy and living that every moment given, contentment with myself, associating with people who lift me up and help me to grow matters more to me than measuring up to everyone's ideal of what they want me to be. I'm not a robot or a programmed device. Tell that to the voices or voice that is always speaking in my ear.
Personality, we all have one -my mom says. Only I know my past, my hurts, pains, and experiences. Perhaps the people I've experienced them with may know, but I'm not concerned on their memory because more than likely it hasn't hurt them as much as it has affected me. I've thought I knew my personality (as of late) and from the interview today it has made me question and take a second look. What I see myself to be or want to be because it's 'perfect and right' is not what the world sees me. The interactions and experiences I've had with the world has been less than pleasant. For every good interaction it was highly praised and gratifying. I sensed it and felt the need to be more 'giving, caring, etc.' and in return it has served as a 'weakness' for people to take advantage, use, and take me for granted. Can't win for losing. There's almost a fear tinged with being too open, friendly, and welcoming out here in society. There's always the wrong people stepping into the light with their false appearances to show you exactly why exposing too much of yourself is a bad idea. If there's any lesson I've learned it is to protect what's private and personal, show kindness and decency, and try to be as positive in all situations as you can. There's no good in opening up entirely because for every good person there is a bad, looking for an opportunity to cause trouble, pain, and ruin someone's life.
How it all came up was with a question the Interviewer asked. I'm believing the answer I'm giving was what she was looking for but instead was thrown suddenly completely off my rocker. It makes me nervous and turns my mind from glass half-full to half-empty for any hope of being offered the position. If there's one thing I've encountered it is the turn-off from the hiring manager for not receiving the answer to their question they were looking for. It threw me off so much I needed to inquire deeper to figure out exactly what she 'wanted' me to say...it fired me up. I wanted so much to say it's not that I'm avoiding the question or disregarding it. It is honestly just your discontent for not receiving the response the way you exactly wanted! There is really nothing that can be done about it and it's quite unfair.
It's amazing how the original question I can't remember but the revised I can. In summary she says, Let me redirect you back to the question, because you went off it. Let me start over because you may not be understanding the question, you're missing what I'm asking you. What motivates you to come to work everyday? Do you enjoy the environment, teamwork, engaging with customers..etc?!??
The clarity dawned on me that if I didn't make sure she understood that of course I have interests in the activities and things I attribute my time and effort -she would turn me down and it would've been a waste of time. I felt like I was spilling my guts with any and everything that popped in my head to satisfy her almost to the point where umm and ya know became the lingering last words to a few sentences. Interviews can rattle your brain but I didn't expect it to be that discouraging and challenging.
I tried. That's all that can be said...just wish I felt more sure than what I went into the interview thinking.
But don't think she got away with it. I put her 'through the ringer' as she said she did to me, and let her have it with my direct and off-beat questions. Totally different reversing roles because what I learned to be negative -talking too long was not a problem for her. Would it matter in this case? She has a paying job and I'm trying to get a job. She can actually do whatever she wants that's why it's a vulnerable place to be in. It turns me back to 'Personality' and what it means to 'have one'. She had me perplexed even more when she said 'she could see some of it there somewhere' and that she was trying to 'pull it out more'. I've never had anyone intentionally try to figure me out or dig to do it. There was one major compliment that came out of it all and it was how professional and prepared I was. It wasn't what she was used to seeing and with the expertise I have (how long I've worked in retail) it shows. And I wonder what difference it would've made if I never laughed...I can only imagine how much that would've been held against me. Truth is every manager is different and looks for specifics in potential associates. To hold against me that I didn't show enough personality would be a terrible discredit to me when interviews are meant to be taken seriously and not a giggly gab fest.
Here I am. Thinking back to my earlier days (because I still consider myself young) wondering where did they go. Reflecting back there were many times I was asked, Will you be ok? At the time I didn't see the big deal and wanted to be treated as though I could handle my situation, had it all under control. Rely on me as responsible and mature. Don't worry about me. Don't worry about me being alone. I wish it never happened. If I could take it back I would. In the long run it actually did affect me...and not for the better. It's not that I didn't have a childhood. Thank God I had anything remotely close to one! It just seems that my memory returns to the lonelier points as a child growing up rather than the happier moments. I think what happened was I was made to think in advance for my age and was ahead of those in my age group. Already experiencing troublesome emotional challenges that a child shouldn't have to deal with. It made it hard for anyone to relate because it made no sense to them. There was a point where I knew my existence was the only thing that was alive but not me. For years there was blame towards the ones who provided me shelter, food, clothing, and medical/health needs. It seemed like the sensible thing to do since I felt like I was missing something. I've learned that I did. Did anyone care about the girl living with her mom and dad -shy, quiet, reserved, detached?!!? More than compassion and concern the response I received mostly from the outside world was detest and criticism. It's like I was put on this earth to be treated tough and hard. There were so many days left unattended (emotionally and mentally) to myself, in my mind space, in my room, in a life I was living but didn't feel connected to. Each day came and went.
Maybe that's what the world saw, my anger, loneliness, pain... I was the easy target of any predator so there must've been an angel by my side that kept me from danger. Let's just say that now actually being 'expected' to be an adult is not as special and rewarding. It reminds me of the past and not having the complete unconcerned innocence of not being so maturely adult. It almost feels as though I didn't grow up and I'm still there at a younger age 'thinking I'm responsible, relied upon, confident, and certain' like an adult. Somewhere between there the gap was large and it lost me. No one checked in to make sure I was mentally maturing and developing well. It was all left up to 'chance and luck' I suppose. That's another story.
Where did time go, or in my case where did my time go???
Today triggered these thoughts after a job interview for another part-time position (to make ends meet since the past few were not secure in longevity). I know my age, even more so that I'm still job hunting with the same position in mind -part-time. It may be questionable to these interviewers why someone who is on the brink of turning thirty, not in a higher position or seeking more than a position that high schoolers run after for chunk change (with the security of mommy and daddy taking care of them at home, oh those were the days!) I guess in the back of my mind I'm hoping for my life to change so a window of hope or "never-may come" hope opens to blow me out with the wind to wonderful possibilities. It could just be unreasonable optimism -perhaps it is. But to avoid sounding too woe as me and broken-down I continue to maintain a sense of hope for my future I'm still quite uncertain and honestly lost in.
What I've come to find, despite how redundant the process of retail interviews or job interviews are in general, is that I may be an adult now and almost thirty but I'm still trying to find balance in my life and comfort in myself. I've come so far from where I used to be, but the battle of maintaining the confidence is much harder when there are constant reminders of how others are perceiving you -family maybe even friends and those you must interact with outside of your home for one reason or another. It shouldn't matter at all what the next-door neighbor thinks or a random stranger in public (who you may never see again) but I'll share what makes these unimportant people 'matter' and it's not what you expect. When there are voices in your ears influencing every move and decision you make in life making you feel at a loss you can't help but to internalize "what the world thinks of me". I honestly don't want to spend my days caring because what I hold myself to: Giving back to humanity, showing the best sides of myself, finding my own happy and living that every moment given, contentment with myself, associating with people who lift me up and help me to grow matters more to me than measuring up to everyone's ideal of what they want me to be. I'm not a robot or a programmed device. Tell that to the voices or voice that is always speaking in my ear.
Personality, we all have one -my mom says. Only I know my past, my hurts, pains, and experiences. Perhaps the people I've experienced them with may know, but I'm not concerned on their memory because more than likely it hasn't hurt them as much as it has affected me. I've thought I knew my personality (as of late) and from the interview today it has made me question and take a second look. What I see myself to be or want to be because it's 'perfect and right' is not what the world sees me. The interactions and experiences I've had with the world has been less than pleasant. For every good interaction it was highly praised and gratifying. I sensed it and felt the need to be more 'giving, caring, etc.' and in return it has served as a 'weakness' for people to take advantage, use, and take me for granted. Can't win for losing. There's almost a fear tinged with being too open, friendly, and welcoming out here in society. There's always the wrong people stepping into the light with their false appearances to show you exactly why exposing too much of yourself is a bad idea. If there's any lesson I've learned it is to protect what's private and personal, show kindness and decency, and try to be as positive in all situations as you can. There's no good in opening up entirely because for every good person there is a bad, looking for an opportunity to cause trouble, pain, and ruin someone's life.
How it all came up was with a question the Interviewer asked. I'm believing the answer I'm giving was what she was looking for but instead was thrown suddenly completely off my rocker. It makes me nervous and turns my mind from glass half-full to half-empty for any hope of being offered the position. If there's one thing I've encountered it is the turn-off from the hiring manager for not receiving the answer to their question they were looking for. It threw me off so much I needed to inquire deeper to figure out exactly what she 'wanted' me to say...it fired me up. I wanted so much to say it's not that I'm avoiding the question or disregarding it. It is honestly just your discontent for not receiving the response the way you exactly wanted! There is really nothing that can be done about it and it's quite unfair.
It's amazing how the original question I can't remember but the revised I can. In summary she says, Let me redirect you back to the question, because you went off it. Let me start over because you may not be understanding the question, you're missing what I'm asking you. What motivates you to come to work everyday? Do you enjoy the environment, teamwork, engaging with customers..etc?!??
The clarity dawned on me that if I didn't make sure she understood that of course I have interests in the activities and things I attribute my time and effort -she would turn me down and it would've been a waste of time. I felt like I was spilling my guts with any and everything that popped in my head to satisfy her almost to the point where umm and ya know became the lingering last words to a few sentences. Interviews can rattle your brain but I didn't expect it to be that discouraging and challenging.
I tried. That's all that can be said...just wish I felt more sure than what I went into the interview thinking.
But don't think she got away with it. I put her 'through the ringer' as she said she did to me, and let her have it with my direct and off-beat questions. Totally different reversing roles because what I learned to be negative -talking too long was not a problem for her. Would it matter in this case? She has a paying job and I'm trying to get a job. She can actually do whatever she wants that's why it's a vulnerable place to be in. It turns me back to 'Personality' and what it means to 'have one'. She had me perplexed even more when she said 'she could see some of it there somewhere' and that she was trying to 'pull it out more'. I've never had anyone intentionally try to figure me out or dig to do it. There was one major compliment that came out of it all and it was how professional and prepared I was. It wasn't what she was used to seeing and with the expertise I have (how long I've worked in retail) it shows. And I wonder what difference it would've made if I never laughed...I can only imagine how much that would've been held against me. Truth is every manager is different and looks for specifics in potential associates. To hold against me that I didn't show enough personality would be a terrible discredit to me when interviews are meant to be taken seriously and not a giggly gab fest.
Here I am. Thinking back to my earlier days (because I still consider myself young) wondering where did they go. Reflecting back there were many times I was asked, Will you be ok? At the time I didn't see the big deal and wanted to be treated as though I could handle my situation, had it all under control. Rely on me as responsible and mature. Don't worry about me. Don't worry about me being alone. I wish it never happened. If I could take it back I would. In the long run it actually did affect me...and not for the better. It's not that I didn't have a childhood. Thank God I had anything remotely close to one! It just seems that my memory returns to the lonelier points as a child growing up rather than the happier moments. I think what happened was I was made to think in advance for my age and was ahead of those in my age group. Already experiencing troublesome emotional challenges that a child shouldn't have to deal with. It made it hard for anyone to relate because it made no sense to them. There was a point where I knew my existence was the only thing that was alive but not me. For years there was blame towards the ones who provided me shelter, food, clothing, and medical/health needs. It seemed like the sensible thing to do since I felt like I was missing something. I've learned that I did. Did anyone care about the girl living with her mom and dad -shy, quiet, reserved, detached?!!? More than compassion and concern the response I received mostly from the outside world was detest and criticism. It's like I was put on this earth to be treated tough and hard. There were so many days left unattended (emotionally and mentally) to myself, in my mind space, in my room, in a life I was living but didn't feel connected to. Each day came and went.
Maybe that's what the world saw, my anger, loneliness, pain... I was the easy target of any predator so there must've been an angel by my side that kept me from danger. Let's just say that now actually being 'expected' to be an adult is not as special and rewarding. It reminds me of the past and not having the complete unconcerned innocence of not being so maturely adult. It almost feels as though I didn't grow up and I'm still there at a younger age 'thinking I'm responsible, relied upon, confident, and certain' like an adult. Somewhere between there the gap was large and it lost me. No one checked in to make sure I was mentally maturing and developing well. It was all left up to 'chance and luck' I suppose. That's another story.
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