Desirous

2005 August 28,

9:33 am

What I don't understand is how I can be this way or feel this way.

It's not every Sunday Morning. 

It's strange for this Sunday Morning.

I hope it's not a bad - thing. 

For reason I was feeling aroused and didn't want to move from my bed.

Instantly the thought went to C as my subject of encounter.

Probably because I know it is very unlikely for us to ever be as close and I can't stand him at times.

And because of his self-involvement and conceitedness shows he could care less either.

The Most Unlikely Pair. 

We're already too different and I doubt if we were together we would get along at all.

Why is it, I start seeing him as that?!!?

The image in my mind that I partake in "unbound-less" pleasure in?

That figure who wears all black trying to distant his feelings from me.

-This Fantasy-

This figure that was in my mind's work. It's like a "Real"- Soap Opera with both of us trying to figure out what we're going to do.

Whether to fake it or be real...

In this dream I don't care if there is a girl friend. 

She is younger than me and I'm closer to his age.

He has different girl friends all the time. 

I think, how could he pass me up and I'm more mature?!!?

I know I'm sexy , being who I am, and nobody else.

I can seduce him if I don't try to hard.

But what I really want is for him to seduce me...

I want to be lost and disillusioned by him.

We go out to dinner...

I'm wearing a wrap dress and stilettos or T-straps

Even though in reality I would not have enough expertise to wear them.

My hair is pulled up and a few strands fall around my face, brushing the sides of my neck.

Very little make-up, mauve or brownish-pink lip color, more on the pink side.

Nude but with a nice tint of pink and red.

Mascara, medium-dark eyeshadow, and black eye-liner.

My goal was for him to notice me - All the details that he could linger on in his imagination.

I imagine us eating something sensual and sumptuous while his eyes slyly catch my lips.

We just sit, talk, and laugh of course. 

I feel that we are growing closer to each other.

I make my move.

Moving closer to him because we were sitting sort of far a part at a round booth.

Underneath the table I rub his leg... He grabs my hand to stop. He did not like that.

I try again. Moving my hand from underneath his and take it again.

I guide his hand underneath my dress brushing up my smooth, freshly shaven thigh

to where my panties should've been. 

His fingers touch the curve of my hip-bone then onto the coarse dark curls.

I can not believe this is happening...

He stops, not wanting to go there with me. I'm not wearing any panties, he realizes.

I wanted to tell him there wasn't anything underneath the dress so he could imagine 

that one string tied to the side of my bodice would unleash the material covering my body.

He asks, Can we go? I say, Sure. 

We ride around for awhile without saying anything. 

He takes me to my house and walks me to my door.

He doesn't believe in having two girl friends at once, hurting the one he already has.