One of the hardest realizations to come to grips with is realizing you may be stuck with your own ideas, thoughts, ambitions, hopes, dreams, aspirations...
Jealousy is not good. Envy is even worse, but when you've lived your life without a huge support system naturally it happens. Mean spirited doesn't seem so "mean" when you're hurting inside. When it doesn't seem to get better.
Everyone has a story. A past. A Future hopefully too. Do we spend time actually learning about each others' stories, our pasts, why we could be the way we are? Everyone is so busy doing things. So busy and less focused on what's happening right before their eyes.
Maybe being busy is a way to not have to think about our pains or maybe it's a way to ignorantly turn a blind eye to what we don't want to understand because it challenges our beliefs.
We shouldn't be so busy, so selfish, so mindless to what each other is doing...
The worst can happen and everything that seemed "fine" and perfect can just fall a part...then what?!!
Try living each day in the same routine fashion...it's the same as the day before, nothing new.
Try waking up each morning with a feeling that the weight of yesterday doesn't feel so heavy. That's God.
Whether your faith is strong, average, or doesn't exist at all, God is important in my day to day life.
My life is not typical, in my eyes, but maybe it is "normal" to many. That I don't know and somewhat afraid to find out.
In my younger years I was afraid, worried, self-conscious about what others thought of me. I am relieved to say now, it's not so bad. Some of you may gasp at this, but when a woman can wear a t-shirt, bra less to get the mail with walkers passing by in front of her house noticing her, as her chest flops all over the place, and it doesn't make an ounce of a difference... it is a far cry from those lonely childhood days when the world was a scary place, unknown, and intimidating. Do we become more secure and okay with ourselves as we get older? I'm starting to believe yes, in some ways we develop a sense of comfort in our own skin. In my case I am and I thought it would never happen.
There really isn't much to say about my life...who I am really. It's rather boring and I've told different people the same thing. I've confessed to the idea of actually writing my own story but really it would just be a lot of stuff that isn't pleasant to read. I was angry, very angry, and upset with who I was, where I was, why I was going through it, and had no one to express it to. A lot of lonely tears, and crying to sleep, just to get myself back together again and continue on.
Do you ever wonder why you're born into the family you're in? All the happy families out here I would've scorned you and rolled my eyes at the mere thought of your closeness. Now I love every bit of what you embody because more than ever it "matters". I was a kid then and kids are just trying to find their way. Figuring out who they are and what the hell this "living life" is all about. But the irony in me saying this is I've always felt family oriented, I just had a sucky dysfunctional one. There was nothing I could do about it. Just the way cards fell. I never knew how much "family" meant until these years later since my father passed April 2008. The distance, the detachment, the underlying issue that makes no damn sense whatsoever is the story of my life.
There is a right for me to say this when there has been no outpouring of love and support since his passing and whether my mother and I were doing alright. The ignorance that lies within the minds of the foolish...
I can't help but to think in the back of minds the thought are "well-off" is the reason for this, but that is so cold and cruel, don't you think? Who could think that way, but it is possible. We are not well-off...We are blessed by God to still be able to maintain despite the issues within an older house, despite the fact I'm jobless, despite the fact my mother is working for two, me and her, despite I'm almost 30 and still trying to figure out who the hell I am and what my purpose is...
Could my blog really be one last bit of hope? Maybe. Maybe it is just an idea thrown in the wind and I have these high hopes of its success. Yea, I want it to be worth the time and effort. I've spent basically every day since the idea of "bloggerviewing" popped into my head working on building it from the ground up. It is my claim to fame, what keeps me a float. It may seem confusing to some of you out there who wonder why doesn't she just go out or just pick up a small job around her way, but guess what, walk in my shoes. I'm still making up for lost time.
Writing is essentially ingrained in me for the many times I escaped from the emotional moments. Wore my right hand down so much from aggressively writing so fast for fear of forgetting that eventually carpal tunnel set in. Currently I'm unsure if it's fixed me 100% because I'm typing so much. I do notice my shoulder cap feeling sore and that has to not be a good sign. Using the same muscles every day. Now I stretch it hoping it helps. My left hand is slowly starting to show signs of carpal tunnel and I was told that it goes from one hand to another. "Hang in there lefty, just for a moment..." that's what I need to think because now is not the time for major medical issues. Surprised I made it so long without catching anything major. The last cold was back during the holidays.
It's important to pay attention to the little things... the "stupid" little things that are really the only importance worth living for. Who cares about celebrities and the latest break-up...what about what you're doing every day to make a difference. What have You done today that can make an impact in another life? It doesn't have to be much, but have you said Hi, or waved to a complete stranger? Have you said, Have a Good Day, addressing it to the public?, have you offered your skills and talents to someone who needed it? It's not just limited to these few things. There are many ways of giving back without feeling you're being exposed or put in a vulnerable position. Even if you do feel that way, just do it anyway, it's a fulfilling thing to feel that you can't buy or obtain anywhere else.
At the end of the day even though I'm sensitive and emotional sometimes, I really don't give a damn if who I am is not good enough to someone else. I'm good enough in the eyes of God to be here and live. If I'm here then I have purpose and any of you out there who have been made to feel you don't have purpose, wake up now! Even if you don't see what your efforts will bring in the long-run don't give up on your gut-feeling to continue. You're meant to do it and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. It's tough, very very hard, depending on your circumstances but believe it will all come to fruition. Just Believe.
Jealousy is not good. Envy is even worse, but when you've lived your life without a huge support system naturally it happens. Mean spirited doesn't seem so "mean" when you're hurting inside. When it doesn't seem to get better.
Everyone has a story. A past. A Future hopefully too. Do we spend time actually learning about each others' stories, our pasts, why we could be the way we are? Everyone is so busy doing things. So busy and less focused on what's happening right before their eyes.
Maybe being busy is a way to not have to think about our pains or maybe it's a way to ignorantly turn a blind eye to what we don't want to understand because it challenges our beliefs.
We shouldn't be so busy, so selfish, so mindless to what each other is doing...
The worst can happen and everything that seemed "fine" and perfect can just fall a part...then what?!!
Try living each day in the same routine fashion...it's the same as the day before, nothing new.
Try waking up each morning with a feeling that the weight of yesterday doesn't feel so heavy. That's God.
Whether your faith is strong, average, or doesn't exist at all, God is important in my day to day life.
My life is not typical, in my eyes, but maybe it is "normal" to many. That I don't know and somewhat afraid to find out.
In my younger years I was afraid, worried, self-conscious about what others thought of me. I am relieved to say now, it's not so bad. Some of you may gasp at this, but when a woman can wear a t-shirt, bra less to get the mail with walkers passing by in front of her house noticing her, as her chest flops all over the place, and it doesn't make an ounce of a difference... it is a far cry from those lonely childhood days when the world was a scary place, unknown, and intimidating. Do we become more secure and okay with ourselves as we get older? I'm starting to believe yes, in some ways we develop a sense of comfort in our own skin. In my case I am and I thought it would never happen.
There really isn't much to say about my life...who I am really. It's rather boring and I've told different people the same thing. I've confessed to the idea of actually writing my own story but really it would just be a lot of stuff that isn't pleasant to read. I was angry, very angry, and upset with who I was, where I was, why I was going through it, and had no one to express it to. A lot of lonely tears, and crying to sleep, just to get myself back together again and continue on.
Do you ever wonder why you're born into the family you're in? All the happy families out here I would've scorned you and rolled my eyes at the mere thought of your closeness. Now I love every bit of what you embody because more than ever it "matters". I was a kid then and kids are just trying to find their way. Figuring out who they are and what the hell this "living life" is all about. But the irony in me saying this is I've always felt family oriented, I just had a sucky dysfunctional one. There was nothing I could do about it. Just the way cards fell. I never knew how much "family" meant until these years later since my father passed April 2008. The distance, the detachment, the underlying issue that makes no damn sense whatsoever is the story of my life.
There is a right for me to say this when there has been no outpouring of love and support since his passing and whether my mother and I were doing alright. The ignorance that lies within the minds of the foolish...
I can't help but to think in the back of minds the thought are "well-off" is the reason for this, but that is so cold and cruel, don't you think? Who could think that way, but it is possible. We are not well-off...We are blessed by God to still be able to maintain despite the issues within an older house, despite the fact I'm jobless, despite the fact my mother is working for two, me and her, despite I'm almost 30 and still trying to figure out who the hell I am and what my purpose is...
Could my blog really be one last bit of hope? Maybe. Maybe it is just an idea thrown in the wind and I have these high hopes of its success. Yea, I want it to be worth the time and effort. I've spent basically every day since the idea of "bloggerviewing" popped into my head working on building it from the ground up. It is my claim to fame, what keeps me a float. It may seem confusing to some of you out there who wonder why doesn't she just go out or just pick up a small job around her way, but guess what, walk in my shoes. I'm still making up for lost time.
Writing is essentially ingrained in me for the many times I escaped from the emotional moments. Wore my right hand down so much from aggressively writing so fast for fear of forgetting that eventually carpal tunnel set in. Currently I'm unsure if it's fixed me 100% because I'm typing so much. I do notice my shoulder cap feeling sore and that has to not be a good sign. Using the same muscles every day. Now I stretch it hoping it helps. My left hand is slowly starting to show signs of carpal tunnel and I was told that it goes from one hand to another. "Hang in there lefty, just for a moment..." that's what I need to think because now is not the time for major medical issues. Surprised I made it so long without catching anything major. The last cold was back during the holidays.
It's important to pay attention to the little things... the "stupid" little things that are really the only importance worth living for. Who cares about celebrities and the latest break-up...what about what you're doing every day to make a difference. What have You done today that can make an impact in another life? It doesn't have to be much, but have you said Hi, or waved to a complete stranger? Have you said, Have a Good Day, addressing it to the public?, have you offered your skills and talents to someone who needed it? It's not just limited to these few things. There are many ways of giving back without feeling you're being exposed or put in a vulnerable position. Even if you do feel that way, just do it anyway, it's a fulfilling thing to feel that you can't buy or obtain anywhere else.
At the end of the day even though I'm sensitive and emotional sometimes, I really don't give a damn if who I am is not good enough to someone else. I'm good enough in the eyes of God to be here and live. If I'm here then I have purpose and any of you out there who have been made to feel you don't have purpose, wake up now! Even if you don't see what your efforts will bring in the long-run don't give up on your gut-feeling to continue. You're meant to do it and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. It's tough, very very hard, depending on your circumstances but believe it will all come to fruition. Just Believe.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment