NBC's "The Voice" from last night

Absolutely enjoyed The Voice on NBC tonight with new members on the panel: Shakira and Usher. Shakira really fits in with the guys and it's kool. My mother asked me if she was better than Christina and honestly I feel that Shakira connects more. Both women are secure and strong female music Artists. So far the sass and spunk is infectious. Great performances too! Who caught Usher's slip up on Nashville being a state?!! Too funny he couldn't stop laughing. Blake is actually very funny too. Shakira is a great talker, knowing exactly what to say to reel 'em in. Great introduction.

I was emotional for two particular contestants: the 16 year old Caucasian girl who said she was teased for her "crooked" teeth and no one really knew she could sing and the black guy who's mother has lung cancer and at most has 6 months left to live. So touching and heartbreaking...his tears broke my heart. She was able to be there though and was yelling for him all the way when Usher turned his chair around. Very happy moment. The girl's name was Danielle and she is so cute with her blonde hair. Very sweet girl. This is one of the things that drives me crazy and probably because I experienced bullying, isolation, condemnation, and the likes in my youth. How is it that a girl like her could be treated so badly?!! How, as a society, do we choose who's "worthy" and who's not. What gives us the right to do that shit? Because of the crap she put up with she resulted in singing only to herself, in her room, and it wasn't until a Thanksgiving when she sang to her whole family did they realize this child had a gift. There are people out here right now who have amazing talents who felt the need to hide it for fear of something...

Anyways the show was bomb and you should definitely catch it tomorrow night as well. It was tough switching between it and Dancing With The Stars which was also excellent. Music is definitely a major part of my life, all of our lives. The dancing and the singing makes me happy because maybe that's what I secretly want to. The premiere of the show I missed with Kelly Pickler from American Idol. At the end there was a snippet for viewers to vote and I saw her. She is a bad ass dancer! Especially tonight with her partner Deric. Insane. Never knew the girl had it in her. She can sing and now she can dance! It continues tomorrow so I'll be tuning in then too. 

One of the hardest realizations...

One of the hardest realizations to come to grips with is realizing you may be stuck with your own ideas, thoughts, ambitions, hopes, dreams, aspirations...

Jealousy is not good. Envy is even worse, but when you've lived your life without a huge support system naturally it happens. Mean spirited doesn't seem so "mean" when you're hurting inside. When it doesn't seem to get better.

Everyone has a story. A past. A Future hopefully too. Do we spend time actually learning about each others' stories, our pasts, why we could be the way we are? Everyone is so busy doing things. So busy and less focused on what's happening right before their eyes.

Maybe being busy is a way to not have to think about our pains or maybe it's a way to ignorantly turn a blind eye to what we don't want to understand because it challenges our beliefs.
We shouldn't be so busy, so selfish, so mindless to what each other is doing...
The worst can happen and everything that seemed "fine" and perfect can just fall a part...then what?!!
Try living each day in the same routine fashion...it's the same as the day before, nothing new.
Try waking up each morning with a feeling that the weight of yesterday doesn't feel so heavy. That's God.
Whether your faith is strong, average, or doesn't exist at all, God is important in my day to day life.
My life is not typical, in my eyes, but maybe it is "normal" to many. That I don't know and somewhat afraid to find out.

In my younger years I was afraid, worried, self-conscious about what others thought of me. I am relieved to say now, it's not so bad. Some of you may gasp at this, but when a woman can wear a t-shirt, bra less to get the mail with walkers passing by in front of her house noticing her, as her chest flops all over the place, and it doesn't make an ounce of a difference... it is a far cry from those lonely childhood days when the world was a scary place, unknown, and intimidating. Do we become more secure and okay with ourselves as we get older? I'm starting to believe yes, in some ways we develop a sense of comfort in our own skin. In my case I am and I thought it would never happen.

There really isn't much to say about my life...who I am really. It's rather boring and I've told different people the same thing. I've confessed to the idea of actually writing my own story but really it would just be a lot of stuff that isn't pleasant to read. I was angry, very angry, and upset with who I was, where I was, why I was going through it, and had no one to express it to. A lot of lonely tears, and crying to sleep, just to get myself back together again and continue on.

Do you ever wonder why you're born into the family you're in? All the happy families out here I would've scorned you and rolled my eyes at the mere thought of your closeness. Now I love every bit of what you embody because more than ever it "matters". I was a kid then and kids are just trying to find their way. Figuring out who they are and what the hell this "living life" is all about. But the irony in me saying this is I've always felt family oriented, I just had a sucky dysfunctional one. There was nothing I could do about it. Just the way cards fell. I never knew how much "family" meant until these years later since my father passed April 2008. The distance, the detachment, the underlying issue that makes no damn sense whatsoever is the story of my life.

There is a right for me to say this when there has been no outpouring of love and support since his passing and whether my mother and I were doing alright. The ignorance that lies within the minds of the foolish...
I can't help but to think in the back of minds the thought are "well-off" is the reason for this, but that is so cold and cruel, don't you think? Who could think that way, but it is possible. We are not well-off...We are blessed by God to still be able to maintain despite the issues within an older house, despite the fact I'm jobless, despite the fact my mother is working for two, me and her, despite I'm almost 30 and still trying to figure out who the hell I am and what my purpose is...

Could my blog really be one last bit of hope? Maybe. Maybe it is just an idea thrown in the wind and I have these high hopes of its success. Yea, I want it to be worth the time and effort. I've spent basically every day since the idea of "bloggerviewing" popped into my head working on building it from the ground up. It is my claim to fame, what keeps me a float. It may seem confusing to some of you out there who wonder why doesn't she just go out or just pick up a small job around her way, but guess what, walk in my shoes. I'm still making up for lost time.

Writing is essentially ingrained in me for the many times I escaped from the emotional moments. Wore my right hand down so much from aggressively writing so fast for fear of forgetting that eventually carpal tunnel set in. Currently I'm unsure if it's fixed me 100% because I'm typing so much. I do notice my shoulder cap feeling sore and that has to not be a good sign. Using the same muscles every day. Now I stretch it hoping it helps. My left hand is slowly starting to show signs of carpal tunnel and I was told that it goes from one hand to another. "Hang in there lefty, just for a moment..." that's what I need to think because now is not the time for major medical issues. Surprised I made it so long without catching anything major. The last cold was back during the holidays.

It's important to pay attention to the little things... the "stupid" little things that are really the only importance worth living for. Who cares about celebrities and the latest break-up...what about what you're doing every day to make a difference. What have You done today that can make an impact in another life? It doesn't have to be much, but have you said Hi, or waved to a complete stranger? Have you said, Have a Good Day, addressing it to the public?, have you offered your skills and talents to someone who needed it? It's not just limited to these few things. There are many ways of giving back without feeling you're being exposed or put in a vulnerable position. Even if you do feel that way, just do it anyway, it's a fulfilling thing to feel that you can't buy or obtain anywhere else.

At the end of the day even though I'm sensitive and emotional sometimes, I really don't give a damn if who I am is not good enough to someone else. I'm good enough in the eyes of God to be here and live. If I'm here then I have purpose and any of you out there who have been made to feel you don't have purpose, wake up now! Even if you don't see what your efforts will bring in the long-run don't give up on your gut-feeling to continue. You're meant to do it and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. It's tough, very very hard, depending on your circumstances but believe it will all come to fruition. Just Believe.

Domestic Violence: Continuing The Discussion With 'Bullying'

The open dialog link back here continued further with Bullying, Stalking, and Cyber Stalking. This spoke to me on a very personal and burdening level and couldn't miss this opportunity to share my experience live on-air for anyone else out here who has been through similar. It is not a secret; especially to those who know me personally that I've been a major music fan of Miguel since I learned about him back in Spring of 2011. I had just departed my job for changes that were occurring in my life that prevented me from continuing and was at the lowest I could possibly be. My father had passed in 2008 and the truth is the recovery was still in limbo. Going to college didn't pan out the way I had hoped so here I was not sure where to go to next. After seeing what looked to be a bald young Indian guy in a video on VH1 Soul titled "All I Want Is You" my curiosity went through the roof when I saw the name, Miguel. To make a long story short when I had my opportunity to go to one of his concerts I had befriended another major fan of his in Atlanta. We went together, had a blast, and then went to the Velvet Room for the after-party hoping to catch him up-close there. While we were hanging out I snapped a quick shot of her while she was texting a friend. Little did I know what would come of that one single snap-shot the following week.

From randomly browsing my photo albums I had noticed comments being made about the picture from people I had never seen before. I've never had to adjust my security or privacy settings for photos I've posted on Facebook so what was happening were comments coming from people that knew her because I tagged her in the photo. After scanning through them I noticed the despicable and crudely personal comments being made about me as if they were part of my everyday life ranging from my facial features to my sexuality, they knew nothing about. Some would say it was the worst thing I could've done, but from quick response I fired back dissing the individual for saying nasty things. It set the fire that didn't seem to end...

Not being more suspicious that this so-called "friend" had over 5,000 friends I never would've expected the lashing that came out from these anonymous people. Females and males alike attacked me in all the ways a person can be bashed and belittled. I used to think if cyber bullying would ever happen to me it wouldn't affect me because I considered myself older, wiser, and more stronger in myself from what I've been through but I was wrong. It started to take a psychological effect on me without me realizing how serious it was. A harmless playful picture had me questioning if what I did was deemed a certain way. My inbox, before Facebook allowed it to be open for anyone not only your contacts to send messages, was being bombarded with long crazy hate messages. Not only that, I would receive these follow-up messages about a particular person being terrorized and also stabbed, yes 'stabbed', by the supposed "close friend" of the "friend" that they thought was me. It was beyond incomprehensible. It was like a crazy movie that somehow I stumbled into. Without sharing any other information, my twitter was hacked into causing me to create another password. My mentions had more hate messages and it lasted for a couple of weeks after blocking every person that was going this deep and reporting it to Facebook and Twitter. A few straggling messages would appear out the blue but after close to a month it all stopped. To make matters even worse when I brought it to the "friend's" attention she acted as though she had no idea what was going on. I knew it was suspicious right then! 5,000 friends and you don't know that they're sending someone you went to a concert with attacks and threats.
She sided with her posse believing it was something I had done to provoke them to act insane. I gave her the opportunity to vouch for me and she didn't because like a coward she retreated in the dark somewhere with me having to figure out what the hell was going on. She didn't call me, she text, and I made it short and to the point. Her response was way less than satisfactory so our interaction ended right there. It wasn't until 8 months later as I was checking my e-mails did I notice a message from her. Opened it and saw that it was a long apology with a history behind the individual who went on a tirade defaming my character. I've learned so far in my life that holding onto anger will only shorten life so in the back of my mind I had forgiven her and already moved on. If friendship was her expectation after that whole nearly traumatizing ordeal she had to be nuts. There was no way on this green earth that I would associate with someone who is connected to those kinds of people. It was something I had never seen before and frankly believe was evil. Even though she had these people apologize to me their apologies meant nothing. This was a cult. It was something unreal. I deleted their messages and swept it all behind me. There was one that wouldn't leave me alone because I didn't respond to her e-mail so I told him everything was fine and I would contact her. I never did and don't intend on it. There are some things you have to leave alone and not ever deal with again. If you were in this situation what would you decide to do? Share your thoughts Cool World; we need to create an open dialog about these deplorable issues facing us every day. Thank You For Tuning In.