THE DEMONS THAT LIVE INSIDE US

Your "Go-To". Support. Love. Family is suppose to mean everything. But what if you're not blessed with such a gift in your life? What if you have a family but they are everything you don't need in your life? Familia over Everything, right?

Just the other day Rodney King is found at the bottom of a pool. Tormented all his life by things unknown to us. It's tragic when the end can be so brutal. I think about my life story... the dysfunction. The disconnect. The built up anger... And wonder if I'm festering the mess inside of me.

It is impossible to believe it's not. Both of my parents, God help them, came from families where "Love and Family" did not mix. What I saw as a child was "surface matter". I didn't understand why we lived so far away from everyone. I was just mad as a child that I didn't have the closeness I wanted. I needed to feel complete. The truth of the matter is I didn't know who these people were. My mother's brothers, my father's mother, sister, and brother, my half brother and sister. Their family continuation didn't change much either.

I finally get the chance to "know" them for a few summers of my life when everything seemed good. I was happy to know I was connected to something I came from. But tell me why the tables turned leading up to my final years in high school? Seemed like everyone by this point separated emotionally and mentally from what was important in a family. What I didn't understand was it was always there....it just started to show it's ugly face.

By the time I graduated high school not a single person from my maternal or paternal side recognized my graduation. All I had was my mother, father, a friend I'm no longer close to, my bus driver, her mother --who is now deceased, a co-worker from working at Kroger and her housemate who looked for opportunity in all the wrong places. Those were the only people who congratulated me that one day in May.
It didn't make a difference when I graduated College in April 2007. Only my mom and dad were there. That's it. So what does family mean to me? It's very hard to say. I want to believe in what it means to be loved by a family... I want that for my life. I deserve it like anyone else, but I've never had it. I'm a lost wandering soul.

There has always been something upsetting me. I've covered it up- with the constant "you have a chip on your shoulder" or "it's going to come back on you" or "you have a bad attitude" thrown at me from my parents. I showed emotion like any other person but for some reason it was just "wrong" to my parents. I felt ashamed. Guilty. I put on a false face to show that I wasn't those things because what they said to me sounded so bad. I put all my time and energy into "proving" to those around me I was worthy. I was loyal. I was good. I was trustworthy. A good friend. Doing all of this left me used, taken for granted, made-fun of, and delusional to mistreatment. It left me alone feeling even more insecure than what I needed to feel.

I desperately wanted to feel "home" with the ones I loved. But it wasn't there. As I got older The unsettled emotions inside of me formed into infrequent rage. It wasn't all the time, just every blue moon the emotions festered up to surface. I lashed out on my parents at different times when I just couldn't take any more. I was holding onto what I had left--my own damn self. I cried many days and nights from feeling alone. No one understood what I felt --where I was coming from. If I wear my emotions on my sleeve then I do it proudly. What is a heart if we don't use it??? My parents were taught to build a fortitude to protect themselves because they experienced this indifference to family love in their youth.

When you have no where to turn what happens? You go straight to the wrong things that can torment and destroy you. For some reason I stayed away from those things. I am excessive when I like something but God must have been standing next to me every step of the way because no liquor came to my lips to induce me into a drunken stupor, no unexpected early babies, no promiscuity, no drugs or chain smoking bad habits, no failing bad grades, no cutting, no choking, no beating, no bullying... Nothing but my hope that my future will be different. That it will change. I stayed strong for myself because that's all I had. Whether someone believed in me or not it didn't matter if I didn't hold strong to my Self.

I seemed to run into many un-promising individuals. I still do to this day... which I'm believing must be my faith since birth. I just don't understand how it seems okay at first and then it ends sorely. I can talk to the person 1 day and everything is fine then wait a few months and I call them again... it may or may not be good. That will always be the mystery of my life. So the question that I can answer is- What about family to turn to? Ha..that's all I can say...

Even now at 27... the worst position I could be in. At home, no job, no money-- only a humble soul, the Lord to look to, and my mother working to provide for both of us-- there is no family support elsewhere. I could go into all these f* up details about that and why not? I have nothing to lose. My father passed in April 2008 and everything else seemed to slide downhill afterwards. There were promises of care, giving, love, and support when both families combined for the first time under one roof. Life is as it was before my father passed to this day. My mother and I, alone --endured a falling accident that required 911 to be called and an ambulance to arrive at the same time the basement flooded basically half way up the stairs during a major storm, severe sickness for two weeks, super weight gain, broken water heater in the winter, toxic job for two years with a vengeful, demeaning supervisor, unjust termination from an ungrateful job, and the intent from another to underhandedly terminate from constant viciousness from the supervisor. We went through some trials. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? It doesn't kill you --it just pains a good part of your happiness.

I would like to think I've matured in some kind of way. I've had experiences that hurt me. I wish I had more happy times and less heartbreak but maybe it contributes to my approach. If I want something I go after it. I work up the nerve to do things other people have called brave. I just don't see it that way. I guess being my own person has left me not afraid of certain things. I embrace my directness and blunt quality of saying what's on my mind and how I feel. I don't want to cower away from those qualities about myself. I'm tired of holding back what I feel for fear of how it will be perceived. I've been shunned for it. Those that take the time to get to know me will realize I mean well. I'm not maliciously trying to say things to hurt someone and cut them down. I've been bullied, ignored, mistreated, and misunderstood in my youth. It's not who I am.

I want to be more happy than sad. I like to make people laugh and enjoy the company of anyone who allows me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel that way around everyone so when I am around those people...watch out! It's like unleashing the dragon, seriously lol. I enjoy what's enjoyably good. I care about what people think, their opinions, their hopes, dreams, aspirations... We don't give each other enough time to enjoy each other for who we are. I notice how we get antsy and impatient when a person elaborates on something they're talking about. What's wrong with just listening? Do we know how to listen anymore? We are so quick to judge and get annoyed with someones' differences. We should do better. Yes there are times we may not be in the mood, but guess what? There is someone out here who may not want to deal with how we are sometimes. So it's a give or take.

What I take from my life is what I want in my future. I want to be in a family that exemplifies everything that was missing from mine. Seems to be the only way to do that is to marry into one. If that's the case I hope it happens. I don't mind it being his --or her family because honestly I don't know who I'll fall in love with. I'm not professing any form of sexuality, just being for real. But for any who question I am heterosexual. I know that I want to have the best relationship with my partner that I can have so marriage counseling is on my list. I will not carry the baggage of my childhood into another life to continue. The cycle must break somewhere and I want it to completely stop with me. Alot of the backlash I endured through my parents and their families existed before I was born. Even if it started while I was growing up I will not take the guilt for everyone's' misgivings towards each other. It's easy to blame the side of the family that lived well, had good education, and didn't have to worry about the government's support.
So that is the plan for myself. Until then I'm still dealing with the distance from my extended family. I've seen the light and if I allow it to run my life I'll turn bitter like them.

I may not seem to be an important factor to anyone but I thank God everyday for waking me up and allowing me to fulfill His need for me on this Earth. I don't know exactly what it is but I feel my best when I'm giving support and concern back to others. You don't even have to ask for it --I just do it. I'm probably still seeking that love and support that didn't come from my family. Regardless if it is or not I hope I'm bringing light into the lives of those around me. If I'm accomplishing that then that's all that matters. I still see rainbows and dance/sing to my own Self when I'm watching music videos on tv. It will get better. I have to believe it will.

Incorrect Perceptions

              Behind the Shiny Glass

We’re so quick to sit back and get jealous over Entertainers, Performers, Celebrities, and those of the likeness. Do we ever stop to think what could really be going on? Just because they’re on tv looking exceptionally sexy and handsome, appearing on numerous tv shows, going to the flyist destination spots we would just love to go to, doesn’t mean life is easy for them. Remember they’re working for money just like we do every day. The only difference is we see them “publicly” everywhere. That is the sacrifice they make. We need to understand unless we can individually make the same sacrifices of working hour to hour- nonstop on certain days, making numerous appearances, eat nor sleep hours in between, and be separated from your family and friends traveling from state to state or country to country and still keep a “professional” and happy smile on your face then see how well you will do. I think it was interpreted best at Whitney Houston’s funeral when her brother stated,    

I don’t know what it’s like so I’m trying to view underneath the cover or veil. We need to be more sensitive and compassionate. They are not robots or auto-bots. They’re real living people like you and me. We don’t know if they go to these exclusive resorts and hot islands just to work. They may not have a chance to enjoy the surroundings or activities to the fullest because their assignment may be to involve the location. The most fun they probably get out of it is getting done-up, incorporating the destination in their work, or filming a music video in the spot. Yes, we hear about the clubs and parties in abundance. So they’re getting out and having fun that way. Guests of the night. Amenities in over-flow. So that’s living the good life! But what we also know is that these parties and gatherings they’re also networking and forming bonds with others who work in the same industry. Everyone comes out at night and want to party. So why not have a location set-up like a party that will attract any and everybody. There you have it! Everyone under one roof. 

We’ve heard famous stars admit they do not like to party and stay out all night. It is not the life for everyone especially when you’ve done it so much you’ve worn yourself out. The responsibilities of having children and a family is another reason. So they are human too, just like us. Hollywood equals big money, which means working round the clock. There’s no way anyone could live their “high-life” working a minimum wage job or any of these well-paying jobs out here. You can live well in nice neighborhoods but to live luxuriously on a daily basis you must work big to make big money. Big bosses and big businesses are the closest associations on the spectrum.

I’m not declaring or advocating in being THE Spokesperson for the Rich and the Famous. I don’t live their lives or know what goes on but we need to stop and think first before assuming what we “see” truly is the real thing. We wouldn’t want others to perceive our lives with false pretense. Think about when you watch performers on tv doing tricks and dancing. It looks easy as pie but that’s what hard work looks like. Effortless. Think about the amount of time, practice, and dedication it took just to make it look that way. Perfect. I believe in the saying, everything is not always as it seems. More than likely what you’re viewing is for “face value”. What happens behind the scenes of many situations is not as pretty as what you’re seeing right then and there. In life we don’t want others to see how ugly and disturbed our personal lives are. We try to cover it up and tie it with a bow on the surface. As people we are ashamed if our lives are not as pieced together as we would like it to be.

I can go further as to discuss how in everyday life the same applies. Judgments are passed each and every day. In my opinion it comes from insecurity, fear, and jealousy. For instance I don’t have to know anyone, which is typical of going out into the world, and if there’s something about another young woman that I want, lack, or just have a problem with for no reason then I know I’m passing judgment. Sometimes it’s subconscious, other times on the surface, and also quite frankly, just me having a rotten day or in a bad mood. If we’re able to recognize why we judge each other so harshly we can regroup our mindset and treat each other better. It could just be a human thing or the way society has been taught to view each other. We do live in a country where we still can’t find the common balance in our differences racially and culturally. It may play a very significant role as to how we get jealous and intolerable of each other’s personalities and corky ways.

I notice how we can’t deal with each other just by watching my favorite shows every day and when I interact with people in my life. One of the things that irritate me the most is when someone is talking and another person is literally talking over them. Let me explain further. If you ask someone a question and expect them to answer why would you wait until they start talking to already be asking another question??? I don’t know what’s going on with this society but if that isn’t rude I don’t know what the h*ll is. As you can tell with my usage of profanity, it really heats my blood up. Whatever happened to listening??? I recall conversations of my past and through the people I’ve known there were overly long-winded encounters to the point where I did multiple tasks with the phone on speaker or just flat out fall asleep! I can understand how a thought springs to mind and you want to share it before the conversation turns left, but there is a difference between over-talking and forgetting there’s another person on the other line, and just being chatty. It can come across as being self-absorbed and rude. I like a good conversation. Especially if the topic is something very interesting that can lead into other topics of discussion, much like sub-categories of chatter. I love questions that allow you to give a personalized deeply-rooted answer that is significant to the person as well as someone else. Questions that can be asked the same exact way but everyone will give their own unique answer based on their walks of life. That excites me!

Okay another way I experience judgment. I could be out anywhere needing service of some kind and I’ll either encounter a warm personality or a rotten one. Usually I’m encountering other females, sad to say in these environments. You’re not exempt though fellas! I’ve encountered some pms males out here too. I don’t know about you but I can meet someone and can tell almost instantly if they’re going to be ugly towards me. Pay attention to the face. The face tells so much. I usually see a transition. Also pay attention to what you feel inside. If you don’t have the same feeling you felt before you shook the person’s hand or placed your order, then more than likely you’re feelings are correct.  I won’t bypass the fact that there are days when we’re not in the best mood. We don’t want to deal with anyone, let alone get out of the bed, but we must depending on our daily priorities [running errands and working ]. But what I’m mainly talking about is when you’re out by yourself, one other person, or a group and you see the interaction from a serviceman or servicewoman change from one person to you. Then it becomes personal. Then you sit back and wait to see if they do little subtle things to show they’re trying to create a blood bath with you. It’s a shame to go out into the world and deal with these things but it is a part of life. When you’ve had enough of being stepped on you’ll start piping up and letting your voice be heard. I am typically a shy person by nature until you get to know me. Then you must sound the alarms. As I get older I see how important it is to speak up. It shows you will not take crap off of anyone, you’re aware of what wrongfully has been done to you, and you demand respect as a person.

I’ve learned to appreciate others’ differences even when it’s annoying. We’re all different for a reason. No one is supposed to be like the next person, society just pushes it to the limit. If we appreciate others for their differences then it will be easier for us to appreciate our own selves. It’s also easier to accept others for who they are if you’ve experienced a setback in your life. I grew up in an environment where I wasn’t treated the best. I was already shy so it made matters worse. As a kid I was bullied and ostracized in my peer group and it made my growing up years difficult to handle. I couldn’t wait to get out of school altogether only to find In the Adult world the same mistreatment exists! It cannot be escaped so the only way to survive is to stand up to it face to face with your vulnerabilities outward and the confidence to show, I AM good being me and I don’t care what you think. That’s how I’ve come to grips with it. Go through something time and time again and watch your patience run out. You will get so fed up and irritable that the true survivor in you will come out. Aint takin’ no shit kinda person! In this life we meet sweet people and we meet mean people. Sometimes we meet people with masks and we see 1 person one second and another the next. It’s all a big puzzle. But as long as we appreciate ourselves we can judge each other less and find the great things that each one of us possesses.

Slave To The Music

Music Abducted Me. Did it Claim You too?

            Ask yourself,  “Am I a Slave to the Music?” 
                   Then ask, “What does it  ‘mean’ ?” 


This can very easily have a positive or negative meaning. First, let’s focus on the positive. Music is universal. It is a language that human and animal kind, understand alike. It bridges the gap that words & writing may not extend to. You can wake up in the morning & have your favorite song circling around in your head. The next thing you know you’re either humming or singing it out-loud as you make-up your bed & get yourself ready for the day with a smile on your face. Depending on the type of song, music can heal, bring joy, or allow us to release the pains that come with every-day life. 

For instance, if you live a life like mine, music is your friend & your comfort when you have no one else around. You can smile & feel the happiness it gives you or allow it to connect with your anger & drown out your pain. “To Be a Slave to the Music” is to let music into your soul. You may not be a prima donna opera singer or soul-singing virtuoso but there’s something about the way music makes us feel that we just want to express it. Some of us sing & dance, others may paint, draw, write poetry, get inspired to do insurmountable things, & so forth. The list goes on. Many of us dream about singing alongside our favorite Artist or to just be in their presence as they are creating their music. To experience a moment like that would be the essence of many of our lives. Even if we may never have that miraculous experience we stay content with the music the Artist delivers to us. It is in the music that we feel closest to them & ourselves.

Now on the other-hand, being a “slave” to the music can have a negative effect on us if we’re not careful. It is very easy to obstinately say, No, not me! I love my Artists & the music they produce, but I’m not “obsessed” with it or them. It is a tug & pull with the emotions we may feel, especially if we’ve seen the Artist in interviews reveal their strengths & weaknesses. This information instantly makes us feel closer to them. They no longer seem so “unattainable”. They actually seem “REAL” like you & me, which they are to some extent. It’s hard to tell if we are truly seeing the Artist for who they are or if they’re just putting on their best face. We all put on our best faces when the opportunity calls for it. It is part of their job to show their selves in the best light to gain their followers. But is it worth compromising honesty and authenticity to put forth an exaggerated image just to show an ass of yourself later when the cameras are not on you? It’s hard to say. For myself, I want to see the best part of my Artists when they’re sharing their selves but I don’t want it to be a cover from who they really are. It is devastating to find out that an Artist you look up to so highly & think so fondly of is just a jerk after all. As part of the audience, a listener, a fan, it is something I’ll never receive a real answer for. The lifestyle they live creates the barrier between our lives & theirs. Trust is a factor because now they must be cautious of who is trying to win their favor for a moment in the spotlight. 

                         

The more & more we learn about who they are in various interviews as well as the music they produce bridges the gap between fame & the lives that “you & I” live. Before we know it, we play the music all day long & all night. We may sleep with it playing in the ear-phones of our CD or mp3 player. Then just like that we’re hooked. It is the power of music. Music is the Master & the listener is the Slave. The difference is this happens unexpectedly in some cases, not by choice. There are people who would probably not see a problem in this kind of relationship because music can be “harmless”, as we tell ourselves. But a fine line can be crossed when you start fantasizing and imagining your life with the Artist & actually “act” on it. That’s when the trouble starts. 

When that high from the joy they make you feel starts to become jealousy or anger when they don’t “acknowledge” or respond to you, can easily turn your every-day life into shambles. You feel you are being slighted by the artist when you reach out to him or her & all you see is responses to everyone else. Your mind starts whirling. In the beginning you may sweep it under the rug but over time when you see the same repetitious behavior you may start questioning, “What’s wrong with me? What makes me so different that this artist is not showing me any love?” What do I have to do to get their attention? And subconsciously you could be unknowingly thinking, “How can I win their affections?” 
{We forget they have heavily laden schedules & numerous fans daily}

This could create a cycle of inappropriate behavior or various measures of expression to get their attention. Many fans show “inappropriate” behavior firsthand hoping to get a response instantly. The more modest fans just wait passively and express an occasional Hi, how are you? & I love your music. Sometimes being the passive fan can get played-out very quick when there are no results. The best example I can think of is the song Stan, the 3rd single from Eminem’s third studio album Marshall Mathers LP. The elements of the song brings a somber, mellow, emotionally charged intense atmosphere with the rain, thunder, & Eminem’s narrative but the melody will capture you. It is a deep & powerful song right to the very end when he raps: 
     

“Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
and had his girlfriend in the trunk, and she was pregnant with his kid
and in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was.. it was you
Damn!”

Wikipedia quotes,  "Stan" has been called one of Eminem's best songs and is considered one of his signature songs. Rolling Stone magazine ranked "Stan" at #296 in their list in The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time. The song was also listed at #15 on VH1's list of the greatest hip hop songs of all-time. In April 2011, Complex magazine put together a list of the 100 Greatest Eminem songs, ranking "Stan" at #2. 
                                               
That’s a bad ass song! It connects to everyone. That’s why it is one of his iconic songs. An Artist has made the biggest contribution to man-kind when he or she can take you inside their mind & make you “feel” what they feel. It is the biggest contribution because it gives us something to relate to as human beings. We say to ourselves, “Finally someone else is going through what I’m going through or has been through it before.”

Just ask yourself, “How do I know I am not Stan? How do we know we have not reached that point of no return with our infatuation with a music Artist?” It’s so easy to get caught up. Music Artists may or may not know how much power is in their hands. To evoke emotional responses from your fellow man is enough power to equate to the super-natural, even God. It may not be too far from the truth since many people idolize their favorite artists. I’m speaking of the relentless groupies, the sold-out concerts, the memorabilia, and the “die-hard” fans. Some are ashamed of their behaviors; others don’t see it, & the rest justify it as being something special that makes them happy. There are Artists who pride themselves on being referred to as “Gods”. They are aware of the power they possess & revel in all the glory. They don’t have a clue what they are getting their selves into, or maybe perhaps that’s what they want. 

It can get out of hand. Many artists don’t realize it can be a serious matter handling something so fragile. Then when confronted with the extremity they are scared out of their wits because they’re playing 2 characters. The Artist is the 1st character & the individual is the 2nd. The Individual is baffled by this reaction whereas the Artist may enjoy the overall attention. I shouldn’t mistake the fact that the Artist can still get scared from too much response as well. Even they can’t live in the façade forever. They are still human, just like the rest of us. Either way it goes we’re all Slaves to the Music, whether we like it or not. If music moves your soul there’s really nothing you can do about it, just make sure it has a place in your life but doesn’t dictate your life & control your actions for the worst.

<3 Serenada’s Pen

 

Challenging The Prison We Set Ourselves In

2:33pm April 17, 2012

Enough becomes 'Enough' when you feel caged in from what is "out of your control". I've lived my life, 20 + years, by everyone’s' standards & rules. The time of change surfaces when you lose your grip on 'Control' & it turns you into the ugliest thing that's tearing you down in the first place. 

I'm discovering that I'm not the only one who is in this mental place of suffering. From a 2-hour conversation with a friend on the phone yesterday, I realize I'm not the only one who feels like a little spec on a sheet of paper. It doesn't matter if you're single, living at home with family, jobless, or married, with kids, & equally unemployed. If you feel the walls are closing in on you, there is no escape or hope from your predicament.

In so many ways I pride myself as a 'voice of reason', even if that may sound conceited. I'm not perfect nor am I an expert on many things, but like Oprah stated of herself, "All my life I have always known I was born into greatness", I believe many of us possess an awareness of knowing, and we tap into intuitively. Psychology & Sociology studies are nowhere in my education so I wonder how I'm able to connect the dots on topics that are challenging for many people to grapple. 

As my friend & I talked the deliverance of my understanding centered around "Change". Change is the key to turning an unfulfilled and unsatisfactory dilemma into a healthy, productive, direction that is fulfilling. There comes a point when we MUST say to ourselves, "Enough IS ENOUGH", when the only thing we're doing is pacifying our problems. One of the main points I tried to make to my friend was, you NEED to stop dwelling in your own self-pity. Moping, Groping, wah this & that is not gonna "Change" anything! We've had this conversation before & as her friend it was my duty to speak to her with "Reason". She may not heed my advice due to ego or feeling defeated, but at least I know it was put out there & she could choose to do what she wanted with it.

It can be scary to be hit with the realization that everything we're used to may not be as healthy as we thought. The realization may be: Family doesn't act or support like a FAMILY, My career is not the career I wanted, my husband or wife is not compatible with me, I started a family too early in my life, my parents did not prepare me for life in the long-run,  I'm holding myself back from life & what I could be 'Giving' to it, & in my friend's case, No one is THERE FOR ME. 

'NO ONE IS THERE FOR ME' sounds like a common frustration I can believe people experience everywhere. I can definitely relate to this because I equally felt this way growing up. She's doing EVERYTHING for everyone with nothing being given in return. This is not to be confused with the act of giving in terms of gifts or acts of kindness with nothing to be expected in return or you miss the whole point. Even though it goes hand in hand, this form of 'giving' is when you're put in the position of care-giver, or money lender, the leader, the supporter, the giver. Much of yourself is put towards everything but in the end you feel depleted, resentful, & unfulfilled. 

After hearing her release tension on this feeling I asked her, So what are you going TO DO about it? It is what It is, another favorite line of mine [Basketball Wives & other reality shows]. This method I'm using could be a form of Problem-Solving, so I take pride in using it to get to the root of a problem & better place. What I came to find was she kept using 'Defeat' as her answer. She kept saying, ' I DON'T KNOW'. So of course I had to re-affirm that she does know what to do & she does. It's just a matter of Doing it! 

Even though discussing many of her set-backs would be beneficial due to being relatable, I'd rather respect her life & not go into extreme detail. But it does allow me to state to the masses- If we're going to LIVE the life we want, we must face what is making us unhappy, depressed, unfulfilled, angry, frustrated, whatever. I'm here to let you know, I'm equally in the sinking ship. There are many facets of my life I NEED to change & make better. So I'm not exempt! I think discussing this topic in a candid, analytic, fulfilling way can bring a sense of awareness & hope to all who feel trapped. We can pull each other together, bring relief to know we're not alone, & regain control of our lives for a better future.